Coiled Pleasures

Ashes to Ashes, Direct to Disc

2012-01-24T22:36:00.006-05:00

Because I am an influential and powerful member of the media, people send me stuff. Usually things I have no use for, like self-published books on poker addiction, or invitations to offbeat political events.

A while back a DVD called "Ashes" came across my desk. The promo material says the release date for the DVD is Feb. 7, so ain't this timely.

Directed by Elias Matar, "Ashes" is the story of the driven Dr. Stanton, who wears his shirt collars too tight and is intensely studying everything at the hospital, occasionally remembering to go home and snuggle with his precocious daughter, his gorgeous wife, and their dopey pot-smoking friends.

But one day this kid gets left at the hospital. They can't figure out what's wrong with him, and while they're mulling it over the kid rears up and takes a big chomp out of the doc's arm.

Unfortunately, I must report that between this scene and the next action there's a whole lot of plot — about an hour's worth — that gets in the way of the story. And all of it's told in POV ShakyCam style.

Nothing says "low-budget" like the hand-held camera. Not necessarily bad, but...

Anyhoo, at long last the infection from the rogue jellyfish — did I forget to mention that? — gets to the doc, who pulls some serious zombie fu on some bangers who saunter by looking for trouble.

Meanwhile the dopey pot-smoking friend's wife goes to Doc Stanton's house, where she gets zombified by the precocious daughter. (Remember "precocious" can also mean "bratty and annoying and undead.")

And the stoner puts on his stingy brim fedora like the middle-aged postmodern butthead he is and drives around, finally finding the doc and shooting him. Twice. But not in the head, as any experienced zombie hunter will tell you.

And then the AIDS patient comes out of his room and wraps it all up. Trust me, it's poignant.

Summary: No breasts (automatic one-coil deduction). Pot-smoking male bonding scene, with stingy brim fedora. Slight lesbitation in corresponding female bonding scene. Hand-held camera. Nice "clenched-jaw-I-must-have-human-flesh" scene from the immortal Brian Krause (as Dr. Stanton). Kadeem Hardison as the lab guy. (You remember him from "Home Boyz From Outer Space" and "Yo Mothefucker II." Man, he got fat.) Of the stated running time of 88 minutes, fully 68 are devoted to walking around the hospital, driving somewhere, or working on subplots that never get resolved.

Not horrible, but not great either. A low budget doesn't mean you have to lard the flick up with a lot of pointless yakking. Lose a couple of the other actors and you'd have enough money for a battalion of little jellyfish zombie kids. Seriously.

Two and a half coils, mostly for trying to make an intelligent zombie flick with a budget of $11.67.

No pics to show, because the website won't let me steal them.

Stingy Brims and All

2012-01-24T13:19:00.003-05:00

Frank Sinatra does a pretty good job in the title role in the 1968 police procedural "The Detective."

Apparently he was a singer, too.

Sgt. Joe Leland picks up the homicide of a wealthy homosexual man, son of one of New York's movers and shakers.

Suspicion is quickly focused on Felix Tesla, the dead man's gay roommate (played with considerable weirdness by Tony Musante). He confesses, and gets a visit to Old Sparky.

Meanwhile, an inoffensive businessman commits suicide by jumping off the roof of the racetrack. It stays a suicide until an impossibly young Jacqueline Bisset comes into Leland's office and says it was murder.

So Leland digs in and finds out there are a bunch of people who don't want this thing dug into.

Eventually it links back to the earlier case and Leland realizes they fried the wrong guy.

What makes this film different is a frank(er) approach to sexual issues than was common at the time. The seamy side of New York's gay underground, the sexual dysfunction of Leland's wife Karen (Lee Remick) are exposed. It seems dated now, but think 1968 and stingy brim fedoras.

And raincoats. Lots of raincoats in this film. Plus some good buttondown collar rolls from Sinatra.

With Robert Duvall, Ralph Meeker and Jack Klugman.

Worth a look on a rainy afternoon. Three coils.

2012-01-24T03:45:00.003-05:00

Once again the Lands End cotton sweater vest saves the day. Adds just enough of a layer to allow me to skip the bulky overcoat.

NFL 2011 — Almost Super

2012-01-21T08:11:00.004-05:00

Monday morning: Ha. Nailed it.

I've been at .500 for the playoffs so that means with three games remaining if I pick everything right I can finish the season at .500 on the nose.

This is what passes for excitement around here in the winter. The sky darkens at about 3:30 p.m., the people snarl at each other in the checkout line, and the only girls I know are either half my age or have more children than teeth.

NY Giants +2.5 at SF. I like the Giants here because a) they are on a roll and b) I think they are marginally better than the Niners, and an excellent definition of "marginally" is two and a half points.

Baltimore plus 7 at New England. Shredding the Denver defense is not the same as playing the Ravens. Sorry, it isn't. Ray Rice out of the backfield is another offensive kettle of fish as well. Joe Flacco is no Brady. He might not even be a Tebow. But he can hand it off. Pats will win this but by their classic field goal.

Layers, Textures, Colors

2012-01-17T17:17:00.003-05:00

Haven't done much on clothes in a while.

So what to do when the weather finally flips and our extended autumn ends? Layer up, baby.

And dig out those odd vests. I bought the things one year from Orvis on sale and they've been mostly sitting ever since.

The fat wool tie is from the estate of Hugh MacMillan, a local notable. A friend of mine inherited a storage bin full of them.

No way to look svelte when sporting this many layers. Oh well, who cares.

Details: J. Press sack tweed; white oxford buttondown by Mercer and Sons; lined L.L. Bean chinos; Orvis blue herringbone vest; Johnstons of Elgin scarf; Hanna hat; no-name hankie; BFB (big fat bastards) shoes with a commando sole. Most of this was acquired from thrift shops, eBay, other enthusiasts or on sale.

NFL 2011 second round

2012-01-14T06:15:00.003-05:00

Last week's 2-2 was not helpful. Who knew the Falcons would fold up like that?

Saturday:

It goes against the grain not to pick a home underdog but I think the Saints will cover the 3.5 at SF. Just too much offense.

And in "GQ vs. Jesus," while I respect the resilient Broncos, the fact is just a few weeks ago the Pats put up 41 against them. I don't like the 13.5 spread, because New England has a habit of just squeaking by, but in this case I will concede it.

Sunday:

Baltimore -7.5 vs. Houston: I've thought all season that the Ravens were, pound for pound, the most balanced AFC team. Texans have overachieved to get to this point.

NY Giants + 7.5 at Green Bay: So I like the underdog here — and not the Broncos _ why exactly? Because I think the New York has the ability to do what the Chiefs did to the Packers a few weeks ago and keep this thing closer than this spread.

NFL 2011 wild card round

2012-01-07T10:19:00.002-05:00

A lousy regular season, finishing three games under .500. Let's try to make up the difference in the playoffs.

Saturday:

Bengals +3.5 at Texans. Speaking of lousy, Houston's been pretty dubious lately, and Cincinnati's on a bit of a roll.

Saints -10.5 vs. Lions: No way the young Lions get past Mr. All-Universe Drew Brees at the Superdome.

Sunday:

Falcons +3 at Giants: Yes, New York won the division. Barely. I like Atlanta's chances to blow this open with lots of passing.

Broncos +8.5 vs. Steelers. I think Pittsburgh will win this one, but a home underdog with a history of comebacks is hard to resist. Plus Steelers are banged up.

Shake, Rattle and Zzzz

2012-01-07T09:05:00.003-05:00

The Douglas Library in North Canaan, Conn. presents the immortal 2004 Sci-Fi Channel classic "Skeleton Man," featuring That Guy With the Kinda High-Pitched Voice Who Always Plays the Platoon Leader. As part of the four-flick set at $2, the investment in this film is therefore 50 cents.

Which is about 37 cents too much.

Here goes. Scene, Pacific Northwest. Archaeologists are looking at Indian artifacts. Guy dressed up as Guy Fawkes bursts in, kills dorky scientist and chases hottish middle aged science babe down the street to the power substation, where killing her is more fun. Then the killer tries to make a "Hey hey, ho ho, (fill in the blank) has got to go" chant work but "archaeology" doesn't rhyme with anything.

Then the mayor of New York sends in the Navy SEALS and they kill Oliver Cromwell. Afterwards everyone eats organic buckwheat pancakes and resists the urge to smoke.

Wait, I'm getting things mixed up here. Sorry.

Scene, Pacific Northwest. Archaeologists are looking at Indian artifacts. Guy dressed up in hooded cape and unconvincing skull mask bursts in, kills dorky scientist and chases hottish middle aged science babe down the street to the power substation, where killing her is more fun.

Cut to Army dudes in woods getting chased by Skeleton Man. I can't help but interject that if these guys spent as much time on cardio as they do on their biceps they would be better able to run away from supernatural skeleton men on horseback. Just sayin'.

Later, Army Capt. Doofus and his team search for the missing people. They do this by blundering around in the woods with day packs and a lot of electronic stuff that never works at the best of times and really isn't worth a rip when deployed in an area of Ancient Evil.

The team consists of four men, all meatheads, and four babes who had wardrobe adjust their nylon cargo pants just right before the cameras rolled.

Eventually only Doofus and Lt. Ta-Ta (the blonde with the semi-big nose) are left for the exciting showdown at the chemical factory.

No breasts (automatic one coil deduction). Painful dialogue. Nice butts on the ladies in the team, especially the demolitions expert. Surprisingly little blood for a film littered with corpses. Decapitation. Suggested brain-eating. (No, wait, I'm getting mixed up with Occupy Portland again.)

In a word, it sucks. Avoid.

Best Opera Ever

2012-01-06T15:53:00.005-05:00

This is highly symbolic.

A while back I got interested in Japanese gangster films and discovered the work of Seijun Suzuki, who is a flippin' genius of sorts.

"Pistol Opera" is a completely deranged flick — take a pound of Godard, add Fellini to taste, and serve on a bed of Japanese weirdness.

Stray Cat is the No. 3 assassin in the Guild. For some reason she's supposed to take out No. 1, Hundred Eyes.

That's about it for the plot. If it's a story you want, go buy a set of Dickens.

Stray Cat goes about her bidness, which involves masturbation, death in a swimming pool, a little girl with a lantern, sitting on a love seat in a driveway with another equally bizarre lady, dancing around with little guys in diapers, and other important hired killer activities.

Stray Cat, interrupted by the Diaper Guys.

Occasionally an extremely irritating solo trumpet on the soundtrack interrupts the flow of strangeness.

This flick makes no sense, so don't try. Just sit back and let it happen.

Two breasts, briefly. Hot assassin. Oddball with cane. Gunfight in the Bamboo Grotto. Japanese opera. Toy guns. Little dudes in diapers. Gratuitous artsy-fartsiness (see below) that works.

Three and a half coils. (Half off for the trumpet.) Check it out.

Select Something Else

2012-01-06T15:40:00.003-05:00

This might be creepy if the flick wasn't so stupid

"Natural Selection" (aka "The Monster Hunter") is an indie attempt at a serious black comedy about serial killers.

David Carradine is Louis Dehoven, a cross between Fox Mulder and the Exorcist, and he has a good time being weird and sticking stakes in corpses.

See, there's a serial killer loose in a small Texas town. He cuts off his victims heads, adds postage, and sticks them in the mailbox. Why? Because, hey, he works for the Postal Service!

Ahahaha.

The flick is part mockumentary, part warped procedural, and mostly tedious. All the bits have promise, and all of them fail due to the "Saturday Night Live" effect (i.e. not knowing when enough is enough).

It's the latest $1 item from my new source of bad cinema, the Douglas Library in North Canaan, Conn.

No breasts (automatic one coil deduction). A pint of blood, maybe. Scenery chewing. Flagellating. Quick demon scenes. At best, mildly amusing.

One coil.

NFL Week 17 and the Grand Triumphant Finish

2011-12-31T17:32:00.002-05:00

Broke even last week. Imagine the agony as I drove south, listening to the dog-ass Ravens allow the Browns back into the game, even as bulletins from New Jersey indicated nothing good for the dog-ass Jets.

So we're entering the final week of the regular season three games down.

East Coast Bias games:

NYG -3 vs. Dal: This is win and in for both teams, with no wild card in the picture. So what has to happen is that some alert and nimble Giant will hurl Tony Romo to the ground with extreme prejudice.

NYJ +2.5 at Mia: I have no faith in this crew at all, but I think they can certainly win this contest and then enjoy sitting around waiting for the Oracle to read the bones and feathers and tell them if they're in the playoffs.

Buf +11 at NE: Pats can get something here, home field all the way through, or whatever, and they will win this game, just not by this much. As usual.

Phi - 8.5 vs. Was: I made it to my folks house in time to observe the last bit of the Redskins-Vikings tilt. My conclusion is the Redskins are pretty bad. Eagles playing for pride.

Bal -2 at Cin: Last week's gagitatious performance against the Browns make me wary of the Ravens, but it is New Year's Eve, after all, and there is an excellent chance that many Bengals will be in jail prior to kickoff.

Games of tremendous significance:

Have you tried to puzzle out those AFC playoff scenarios? "Insert one dime and two nickels or four nickels or one dime and one nickel and five pennies or..."

GB +3.5 vs. Det: "How can this be?" you ask. The line assumes that most of the good Packers will be relaxing on the bench. Not to take anything away from the Lions, but the backup Packers are certainly worth a home underdog bet.

SF -10.5 at StL: The Niners can get a bye with a win, and nobody just beats the Lambs by seven or whatever. It's impossible.

Hou +3 vs. Ten: Here's another line I don't quite get.

Pit - 7.5 at Cle

Oak -3 vs. SD

KC +3.5 at Den: The extra half point makes this pick. A Tebow miracle brings this in under the field goal.

Atl -12 vs. TB

Ind +3.5 at Jax: Hey, why not?

Car +8 at NO: Surely Saints will take it easy

Who cares dept.

Min -1 vs. Chi

Sea +3 at AZ

Cordial Christmas

2011-12-26T08:08:00.004-05:00

Festive tie from Ellie and Andy's "The Cordial Churchman" shop. Y'all buy one.

NFL 2011 week 16

2011-12-22T15:16:00.002-05:00

Lord did I get creamed last week at 6-9-1.

Tonight I will stupidly take Houston minus 6 at Indianapolis. After last week I do not believe in anything.

Friday morning...

Well that worked out well. Indy 19-16. That takes me down to 87-90-4.

The slate:

Jets -3 vs. Giants: When this one was scheduled nobody thought it would be the two New York teams fighting for their lives. Whoever loses is probably out of the layoffs. Both clubs have looked bad lately but the Jets have won a few and the Giants haven't.

Mia + 9.5 at NE: Not for a moment do i think the Dolphins win this but Pats are not a great spread team.

Was -6.5 vs. Min: Redskins have shown signs of life. Not a lot of life, but a pulse, anyway. The Vikes have never really recovered form the Sex Boat days.

Bal -12.5 vs. Cle: Very uneasy opting for double digits with the Ravens, but the Browns make it more plausible.

Den -3 at Buf: Broncos kept the elite Pats off-balance for half the game last time. And the Bills are not the Pats.

Oak +2 at KC: Raiders last stand should add some urgency to this.

AZ +4 at Cin: I like the Cards and points, any time.

Pit -16.5 vs. StL: Way too many points for comfort, but a) the Rams are horrible and b) the Steelers are playing for pride after SF loss and playoff pecking order.

SF -2.5 at Sea: After the Steelers game I am a believer.

Ten - 7.5 vs. Jax

Car -7 vs. TB

Det -2.5 vs. SD

Phi + 1.5 at Dal

GB -13 vs. Chi

NO -6.5 vs. Atl

And away we go.

Oak +2 at KC

Lakeville, Conn.

2011-12-20T17:43:00.000-05:00

Lakeville on a cold December evening. Waiting for snow.

NFL 2011 week 15

2011-12-16T07:10:00.003-05:00

I forgot — again — about the Thursday night game but take the Falcons minus whatever you have to give against the wretched Jaguars.

Saturday night: Dallas -7 at Tampa Bay: Bucs have been awful, just awful. Feel comfortable with this number.

Sunday morning:

Best teams in the league in terms of points for/points against: SF 1.69 (10-3); GB 1.68 (13-0); Hou 1.59 (10-3); Bal 1.58 (10-3); NE 1.45 (10-3) and NO 1.45 (10-3); Pit 1.42 (10-3).

Best teams vs. point spread: NFC — SF (10-2-1); GB (9-4); NO (9-4); Sea (8-4-1); Was (8-5). AFC — Hou (10-3); Cin (7-5-1); Oak (7-5-1); Bal (7-5-1); Den (7-6) tied with KC and Mia.

Which tells you what, exactly? That the Ravens don't blow people out. That the Niners might eventually give Green Bay problems. And that if I paid more attention to this stuff instead of guessing I'd have a better record this season.

New York - New England:

Jets +3 at Phi: This seems like a real tossup. Pick Jets because they're still in it.

Giants -6.5 vs. Was: Redskins are bad but Giants aren't much better. The one thing NY has is a quarterback who can engineer things. Unhappy with the number but will take the chance.

Den +6.5 vs. NE: I think this is where the last-minute stuff comes to a halt for the Broncos. They need to be close or ahead the entire game to win it. Plus Brady has been known to pull some last-moment stunts himself. The non-existent Pats secondary makes me take the home 'dog plus the points. but I think NE wins this game.

Buf -1 vs. Mia: Really belongs in the "Who Cares?' dept. but let's go with the woesome Bills at home against the leaderless Dolphins.

Of interest:

SF -2.5 vs. Pit (Monday night): As I crunch the numbers the 49ers are a better club. And I like that missing half point.

Bal -2.5 at SD (Sunday night): Ravens out score opponents by a 1.58-1 margin; Chargers by 1.08-1. This should be enough for Baltimore to put SD out of its misery.

Hou - 6.5 vs. Car: For a team with no QB the Texans seem to be doing pretty well.

Det -1 vs. Oak: Raiders = Faders. Cheatin' Lions prevail. Keep hope alive.

NO -6.5 at Min: A dome is a dome.

GB -13.5 at KC: Packers outscore opponents by 1.68: 1; Chiefs are scored on 1: .57 . This is called a "gap."

Gack:

Sea +3.5 at Chi

Ten -6.5 at Ind

Cin -6.5 at StL

AZ -7 vs. Cle

NFL 2011 week 14

2011-12-08T15:54:00.002-05:00

Thursday night: Steelers minus 14 vs. Cleveland.

A feeble 8-7 last week, which got me one game over .500 (81-80-3)

More Sunday...

Back at .500 as stupid Steelers decided to waffle around.

Regional interest:

NYG +3.5 at Dal: Giants almost beat Green Bay and gave Saints a hard time.

KC -10.5 at NYJ: No way am I taking the Jets and giving double digits.

NE -8 at Was: This will be a classic Patriots game. They'll toy with the Redskins until late in the third, and then clobber them in the fourth.

Gambling interest:

Sea - 6.5 vs. StL (Monday night): Normally wouldn't touch with ten-foot or any other sort of pole, but Rams are going with a QB who's either the third stringer or off the practice team or something. Seems like easy pickings.

Ind + 16.5 at Bal: I suspect a similar situation to last week, when the Pats allowed Colts to cover an insane 20.5 spread.

AZ +4 vs. SF: As underdogs the Cardinals are a great betting team. They might even win it outright.

Football interest:

GB -12 vs. Oak: I like the Raiders but they are not the club that's going to upend the Packers.

No -3.5 at Ten: Titans have some playoff hope but hard to see them exploiting Saints suspect secondary, somehow. (Alliterate or die.)

Car +3 vs. Atl: I'll take Cam Newton and a field goal at home against the dog-ass Falcons. Sure I will. You betcha.

Den -3.5 vs. Chi: The key question is this: Does the last-moment Denver drive result in a touchdown or a field goal? Seems like an even money proposition to me.

Who Cares? Dept.

Hou +3 at Cin: I have no faith in Bengals

Det -8 at Min: Long past time for Lions to get back to form

Mia -3 vs. Phi: And the Eagles circle the drain

SD -7 vs. Buf: Make me watch this.

"The Acid Eaters" Wins Top Honors

2011-12-03T07:12:00.005-05:00

The quicksand scene, with breasts

Finally, a movie that makes even less sense than "The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies."

Byron Mabe shoulders the blame for this 1968 epic, with Carlo Monson handling the screenplay.

I hope Byron didn't pay Carlo much, because this film has no screenplay. It barely has a story, and certainly no plot to get in the way of anything.

After some uniquely bad "I'm gonna tune out/ Ain't gonna work for the Man no more/Twang twang/Plink screech thud" music the guys and gals head out on their motorcycles to go take LSD, make out, paint each other, kill passing motorists and find the giant white temple of acid.

Got that?

Many strange and wonderful things happen during the trip. They hang around this little hut next to a pretty crummy-looking pond, the girls take their tops off, and they paint each other. Then they make out.

Later a couple are making out and one girl gets mad at another one and chases her into quicksand, thus presenting Carlo with an opportunity to write some dialogue. Alas, Carlo's characters can only say things like "I've never seen quicksand before." The girl dies, and everybody makes out.

The girl winds up in Hell, where an Indian chief and an old guy in galluses are playing checkers next to a ladder. Seriously.

Then the gang rides elsewhere. Artie, played with near-autistic exuberance by the immortal Buck Kartalian, has no girl now, so he jumps up and down on these big pipes for a while until he meets the Indian chief, who gets the quicksand girl back for him, while he takes a cold shower under a tree.

Meanwhile, a well-dressed couple are having a strange post-coital conversation under a pile of hay, and everybody makes out.

Then they all kill a passing motorist to get reefer money. This is the most exciting moment in the film.

And finally we arrive at the "acid pyramid," which is really a ziggurat, and a pretty cheap-looking one at that. Naturally, the girls immediately take off their tops and everybody climbs on the ziggurat to make out.

And inside Arnie, dressed like the Devil, urges people to take a bite of the LSD tablet, a big thing that looks like styrofoam. And checks are cancelled, bourbon and 7-Up is poured, and long, arbitrary street scenes with jump cuts are provided. Plus an outraged citizen's face and the couple on the field. And a girl in a rowboat. Wait, that was at the beginning. Anyway, they all make out.

We're talking a near-constant parade of the same four sets of breasts: one large and starting to droop a bit; one large and defying gravity for the moment; one medium firm; one small and droopy, an unfortunate combination. Rear end assessment is more speculative — the production is quite profoundly mammarial.

Breast set number one

And then the girls take their shirts off and everybody makes out.

At 62 minutes, just bearable. Two coils, for the amount of nudity and sheer incomprehensibility.

NFL 2011 week 13

2011-12-02T07:09:00.002-05:00

I did pick Seattle over Philly last night, plus I think an even 3, but I forgot to post it.

Since nobody reads this it doesn't matter.

Sunday morning...

New York-New England regional:

GB -7 at NYG: The dog-ass Giants might make the playoffs but they are not going to derail the Packers. Not now, not ever.

NYJ-3 at Was: Have to take the dog-ass Jets in this spot, as it is do-or-die for them. In fact, every game is that way now for Fat Rex and the gang.

Ind +20 at NE: No I don't think the Colts will win. I don't think they will be competitive. But I know the Pats have an inconsistent defense which could allow a touchdown or two. And I don't think the league nor the coaches would be happy if New England won by 49 points, which is possible.

Ten +1.5 at Buf: The Bills folded faster than Superman on laundry day.

Around the league, in descending order of interest:

Oak+3 at Mia

Cin +6.5 at Pit: Bengals are 5-0 vs. spread on the road

Den +1.5 at Min: For all the criticism of Tebow, he's got the Broncos on the winning side of things.

Bal -6.5 at Cle

StL +13 at SF: Unlikely Rams win this but price is too high to take favorite

AZ +4.5 vs. Dal: Cowboys tend to win by a nose, and this spread is a nose and a nose hair.

NO -9 vs. Det: Lions are the Bills of the NFC. Pfui.

Atl -3 at Hou: Texans adopt single wing for today's contest.

TB -3 vs. Car

Jax +3 vs. SD (Monday night)

NFL 2011 week twelve

2011-11-24T07:02:00.004-05:00

Tuesday morning QB: We have achieved .500. 9-6 for Week 12, 73-73-3 overall.

Thursday morning in haste:

7-6-1 last week, picked up a game in the win column (64-67-3).

Thursday games:

Green Bay -6 at Detroit: I don't mind taking the Packers at this price, it's those double-digit doozies I have trouble with. Last score probably wins this one anyway.

Dallas -7 vs. Miami: Let's not get excited, Dolphins fans. They don't stink as bad as you thought, but they're still pretty aromatic.

SF + 3.5 at Baltimore: Ravens are streaky, Niners have been very consistent.

Sunday morning...

Well that went well.

NYJ -8 vs. Buf: The wind certainly seems to have gone out of the Bills' sails. I'd be happier about this at -6.5, but will give Gang Green one more chance.

NE -4 at Phi: Another dangerous spread, as Pats love to fuss around until the last second and then kick a field goal to win. Which won't help at -4. Oh well. Can't take the Eagles.

NO -7 vs. NYG: I think the Saints will kick it up a notch or two here and start playing with an eye on the NFC title game vs. Green Bay. Giants are very iffy lately.

Elsewhere:

Den + 6.5 at SD: Hey, why not? Chargers are floundering and Broncos' star is on the rise. So what if the kid can't pass? He's getting it done somehow, which is more than San Diego can say.

Oak -4.5 vs. Chi: I like the new-look Raiders more than I like the Cutler-less bears.

KC +10 vs. Pit: Chiefs showed enough life to take them as home underdog with big spread. And don't forget El Creepo's busted thumb.

Who Cares Dept.

StL -3 vs. Az

Cin - 7.5 vs. Cle

Hou -3 at jax

Car -3.5 at Ind

TB +3 at Ten

Atl - 9.5 vs. Min

Sea -4 vs. Was

NFL 2011 week eleven

2011-11-17T17:05:00.007-05:00

I just realized there's a Thursday night game.

Went 8-8 last week, so treading water.

Tonight, the dog-ass Jets are in Denver to face the dog-ass Broncos, who are a six-point home underdog-ass.

This is an impossible game to handicap, so I will take the Broncos and the six.

Sunday morning: And I was right about the above-mentioned dog-asses.

Last week a mediocre 8-8 kept me treading water but still four games off the pace at 57-61-2. Good thing I only bet kitchen matches. (Three games out with Denver win, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.)

NY Giants - 4 vs. Philadelphia: When the Giants win they do so by 3 or 4 points. I am gambling they will be just a little bit better, and the Eagles will be just a little bit worse.

Atl -6 vs. Ten

Buf +2 at MIA: Dallas game was a rough one for Bills. I think they bounce back big against hapless Dolphins.

Cin +7 at Bal: Bengals have best record vs. spread in AFC (7-2)

Jax +1 at Cle: Browns have worst record vs. spread in entire league (1-7-1)

Oak -1 at Min: I do not believe. At all.

Det -7 vs. Car: Lions need to turn it back on, starting now.

GB -14 vs. TB: I hate double-digit NFL spreads but Packers are in a different galaxy than most of the rest of the league, including the Bucs.

Dal -7.5 at Was: Cowboys made a pretty good Bills team look stupid. Skins are stupid.

StL -2 vs. Sea

SF -9.5 vs. Az

Chi - 3.5 vs. SD: I've had it with the Chargers (2-7 vs. spread).

Monday night: I hate this, but New England -15 vs. KC. Chiefs have new QB and when they lose they lose big. Pats can solidify hold on division here.

Stoned Cold Tedious

2011-11-15T10:23:00.005-05:00

A lot of this.

And this.

And this, which was marginally more interesting.

"Stoned," Stephen Woolley's bio-pic of Brian Jones of The Rolling Stones, was worth the buck I paid for it at the Douglas Library in North Canaan, Conn. I'm not sure it is worth the space to keep it on the shelf, though, and I'm not going to watch it again to find out.

Maybe to avoid lawsuits, the film treats the other Stones as bit players, which leaves Jones, flunky and villain Frank Thorogood, some other guy as the manager and a bunch of girls, in various states of undress.

Despite the abundant nekkidity, the film is curiously sterile. It's tedious. It's boring.

Maybe that's because addicts are, ultimately, boring.

One coil, for the 18 breasts.

NFL 2011 week ten

2011-11-10T17:12:00.003-05:00

Oakland visits San Diego tonight, and it's on the NFL Network. The one I don't get for the same reason I don't get HBO and a lot of other stuff — I can't afford it.

Every so often somebody raises the idea of a la carte pricing for cable television, and it always dies a quick death.

The NFL Network is a particularly egregious bit of marketing — six weeks of Thursday night games, maybe a playoff game or two? And the remainder of the year's programming is what, exactly?

Pfui.

Anyway I think the Raiders can keep this closer than one touchdown, so I like the underdog to get Week Ten started.

Sunday morning...

And I was right. Oakland defeated San Diego 24-17 Thursday night, which means the overall record going into this afternoon is 57-59-2.

The Jets are giving 1.5 to New England tonight and so am I.

And after last week's performance I can't pass up the Giants plus 3.5 at San Francisco.

Elsewhere:

Pit -3 at Cin

KC -3 vs. den

Jax -3 at Indy. I'm fed up taking the Colts on the "they've gotta win sometime" theory.

Buf + 5.5 at Dal: This spread is a mystery to me, but I'll gladly take it.

Hou -3 at TB

Car - 3.5 vs. Ten

Was +4 at Mia

NO even at Atl

Det + 2.5 at Chi

StL + 2.5 at Cle

AZ + 14 at Phi: When does this Dream Team crap end?

Sea + 6.5 vs. Bal

Min +13.5 at GB

Cordially

2011-11-09T18:24:00.003-05:00

For my money you can't do any better in the bow tie department than The Cordial Churchman. Andy, the actual cordial churchman, posted a bow tie his wife Ellie made for him. A bunch of us immediately responded "Gimme," and a business was born.

I call these outfits "cottage artisans" — including Kent Wang and Sam Hober. Good stuff, and reasonably priced.

I'm sure I am forgetting someone. Feel free to add your faves.

Nothing against Beau Ties, Maine Bows, et. al. I have plenty of ties from them too.

The Cordial Churchman

Kent Wang

Sam Hober

Jack Palance — Did He Really Need a Paycheck This Bad?

2011-11-07T21:38:00.009-05:00

I'm a sucker for these cheapo DVD compilations, especially the ones I pick up at the DouglasLibrary in North Canaan, Conn., for a couple of bucks.

But Allegro's "Mafia Kingpin Collection," at least the first disc, is major fermented curd.

In "Mister Scarface," Jack Palance plays Mister Scarface, so-called because he has a — yep, you guessed it — scar on his personal face.

He gets ripped off by a young punk from a rival gang. Another punk from Mister Scarface's gang helps, as does the local fat middle-aged gay gangster.

This wacky trio takes us on a wild ride in an orange dune buggy around little narrow Italian streets and to an abandoned slaughterhouse and so on.

It is all very exciting and makes a certain amount of sense, which detracts from the overall experience.

There might have been a breast but I don't think so. Some decent badly-dubbed kung fu, though, and the usual overdone sound effects — especially that curious insistence bad filmmakers have on making sure the sound of leather shoes on polished floors is in every scene — even if someone in ballet slippers is tip-toeing across a velvet field that's just been sprayed with silicone.

The cop in blue jeans is greasy and excitingly underexposed

The shoe sound is also a prevalent part of "The Cop in Blue Jeans," in which Jack Palance plays Richard Russo, who is not a semi-famous novelist and does not have a scar on his face. He is chiefly distinguishable from Mister Scarface by the fact he does not use a holder for his cigarettes.

A greasy unwashed detective wants to catch fences, so he goes to a soccer game and shoves a guy's head in the toilet. Then he dons a greasy, multi-colored knit cap and rides a motorcycle around in circles.

There is a sex scene, mercifully truncated and displaying nothing more alarming than the greasy man in his red briefs — which makes this a horror film (although not as horrible as it would have been if the shorts came down).

To make some sort of point, the greasy man is shown in front of a giant poster for "Serpico." He also has a small white rodent named "Serpico."

This film has two excruciating disco scenes, the last featuring the worst exhibition of White Man Dancing since I last took the floor, at Denison University, 1984, doing my thang to Luther "Guitar Jr." Johnson and The Magic Rockers.

It also has recurring soft-core porno music with someone pretending to be Ornette Coleman squonking over it.

And "The Cop in Blue Jeans" makes no sense. I mean none at all. Zero. No plot to get in the way of the story, and no story, either.

It's times like these that make me regret giving up drugs.

Unless you are either intoxicated, bored beyond belief or insane, there is no reason to watch either one of these films — especially not now, since I have done so for you.

One coil, and that's a gift.

NFL 2011 week nine

2011-11-06T08:09:00.002-05:00

Now coming to you with a 49-53-2 record.

The marquee game is tonight, Baltimore (plus 3) at Pittsburgh. Much as I dislike the latter and their creep of a quarterback, I think they will win this thing — quite possibly by the above-mentioned field goal.

If the New York Jets are for real, they will find a way to beat the resurgent Buffalo Bills in Buffalo today. That's a big "if." I will take the Jets plus two.

New England giving nine to the New York Giants seems like a wide spread. I don't trust the Patriots when it comes to covering. Take the Giants and the nine.

Elsewhere:

Ind + 7 vs. Atl

NO -8 vs. TB

Cle +11 at Hou

Mia +4 at KC

SF - 3.5 at Was

Sea + 11.5 at Dal

Oak -8 vs. Den

Cin +3 at Ten

AZ - 2.5 vs. StL

GB -5.5 at SD

Pit -3 vs. Bal

Phi - 7.5 vs. Chi

The marquee game

NFL 2011 week eight — Leap of Faith edition

2011-11-01T20:59:00.002-04:00

My power went out Saturday evening and didn't come back on until a couple hours ago.

Same story at work, and when we hastily put together our newspaper at another office in New York state today, there were a bunch of us vying for computers and no time for fooling around.

So you will just have to believe me when I state that I went 8-5 on week seven (that you can check) and 11-2 for week eight.

I picked Miami plus 10 because the Giants have a gift for floundering in what should be easy games.

I picked the Rams plus 13.5 because I just don't trust college spreads in the pros. In week seven with the Rams that wasn't the case (Dallas beat them 34-7), but in week eight it was and then some (they beat New Orleans 31-21).

And so on.

With two winning weeks in a row the record is nearing .500 (49-53-2). Believe it or not.

Spot the Ivyist

2011-10-24T15:19:00.004-04:00

At state senator Andrew Roraback's announcement that he is running for Congress. Get thee to an alterations tailor, sir.

Photo by John Murray for the Waterbury Observer. (Link)

NFL 2011 week seven

2011-10-23T09:20:00.004-04:00

(Last week — a dismal 4-9 performance dumps the record back to 30-46-2, which means that I need to run the table three times to get into the black. Not good.)

S0...

Why are the Chicago bears and Tampa Bay Buccaneers playing their game in London? (As in England.)

According to a hard-hitting report from hard-hitting NFL Network reporter Albert Breer (posted on the NFL's website, a well-known hotbed of hard-hitting reporting):

"Football ranks somewhere around seventh or eighth in popularity, with [NFL Vice-president of International Chris] Parsons sizing up the top five sports in the U.K. as soccer, golf, tennis, cricket and rugby. To put that in perspective, it's roughly in the area where soccer ranks as a spectator sport in the U.S."

Oh, so British stadiums are filled with expatriate Americans, the way soccer games are attended by expatriate Latinos here?

Sorry to sound skeptical, but there was the World League, NFL Europe...and now, the Bears and the Bucs.

If the Brits want to spend good money watching large men mangle each other, they have rugby, where they do it without pads, and the House of Commons, where they do it with pinstripe suits and snappy repartee.

Somehow the Bucs are 4-2 despite being outscored in the aggregate, so I will take Chicago and spot the generous one point.

The Jets take on the Chargers at the Meadowlands. Will Philip Rivers play? Can the Jets run? I don't know, but the Jets need this game rather badly if they wish to keep pace with New England and Buffalo, so NY minus another generous one point.

Elsewhere:

Car - 2.5 vs. Was

Hou +3 at Ten

Mia even vs. Den. The Dolphins have to win sometime, and this seems like the best opportunity.

Det - 3.5 vs. Atl

KC + 3.5 at Oak: I know, but the Raiders are without their place kicker and have an incipient QB controversy brewing.

Pit -4 at AZ

Sea +3 at Cle

Dal - 13.5 vs. StL: I hate these double-digit spreads, but the Rams are truly bad.

GB - 9.5 at Min : I heard some happy horseshit abot the Vikes keeping this close but I'm not buying it, tempting though the home underdog status is.

NO - 13.5 vs. Ind: Now you want bad, see "Colts." (Also "rudderless.")

Bal -8 at Jax: Ravens are the most solid team in the league.

Murky

2011-10-16T11:39:00.003-04:00

A couple weeks ago the only fishable stream in my neck of the Catskills was the Little Beaverkill, running along Route 212 between Mt. Tremper and Willow.

It was chalky but not the color of Yoo Hoo, which describes the entire Esopus watershed post-Irene.

So I went over yesterday to get one last whack at the LB, a stream I cannot recall ever fishing. The NY state general regs trout season ended Oct. 15; the Esopus season runs through the end of November, and maybe it will have cleared up some by then.

Alas, the couple of reasonably productive spots I had found on the LB were the same coffee with cream color as everything else. I wiggled a bucktail through some of the bigger pools just for the hell of it, and got one strike.

Then it started to rain some more.

I drove upstream to see what I could see, and voila — there was a giant exposed chunk of hillside, and the source of the muddy, clay-ey water.

So I dropped some wet flies in the swollen but at least semi-visible pools and was rewarded, as I was two weeks ago, with some skinny and bewildered-looking browns.

Next season I shall fish the Little Beaverkill more. There is pretty good access via state easements and several places where the stream is far below or far away from the road, and I bet the pressure in there is minimal.

Note: After six or seven weeks the Boiceville IGA is back in business. The bad news — they didn't have Gifford's "Moose Tracks" ice cream. But it's very good news for residents — Kingston or West Hurley are a long schlep for groceries — and for the folks who work there.

NFL 2011 week six

2011-10-15T07:58:00.002-04:00

Wednesday morning QB: Bad day for NY football, eh? Which team stinks more? Record on the week a mediocre 6-7, barely treading water, and an overall 26-37-2. Two good weeks and I'm in the black.

No time for this nonsense today, going fishing and won't be back until well after kickoff tomorrow. So:

Buf + 3.5 at NYG

StL + 15 at GB

Pit -12 vs. Jax

Was +1 vs. Phi

Det - 4.5 vs. SF

Car +4 at Atl

Ind +7 at Cin

Bal - 7.5 vs. Hou

Oak - 6.5 vs, Cle

NE -7 vs. Dal

NO - 4.5 vs. TB

Min +3 at Chi

NYJ -7 vs. Mia

Good God! Truffles!

2011-10-09T22:26:00.002-04:00

Or make up your own caption.

The Double-Soled Moccasin

2011-10-09T10:06:00.005-04:00

On the clothing sites there is a certain amount of interest in handsewn moccasins - camp mocs, canoe mocs, boat shoes, and actual moccasins with soft leather soles, as worn by Natty Bummpo (Mohicans) and Langdon Towne (Congregationalists).

The message boards discovered the Quoddy mocs, which was good for the company and not so good for everybody else. I bought mine direct from Quoddy when they were about $85. Then the hipsters discovered them. My local sport shop has them now, for $220. Unless they are lined with hundred dollar bills, they are not worth $220.

Town View Leather, another Maine outfit, has a line of mocs and slippers. more realistically priced. They also have an eBay shop where the double-sole, unlined version is on sale for a little less than the website. This is where I got mine.

I've had them two weeks. My impressions:

Pros: Immnesely comfortable and they look good. Fine for padding around the house or yard.

Cons: If you are used to boat shoes or mocs with a rubber sole be forewarned — these are slippery by comparison. On wood floors it's not hugely different than walking around in socks.

I think of these shoes as slippers, really, and since it's getting cold, I wear them with socks. If I had it to do again I'd probably get the lined version.

Here's the official photo:

Here are mine after two weeks:

NFL 2011 week five

2011-10-09T07:53:00.004-04:00

Wednesday morning QB: Bad day for NY football, eh? Which team stinks more? Record on the week a mediocre 6-7, barely treading water, and an overall 26-37-2. Two good weeks and I'm in the black.

Winging it last week was a modest success, and with a 10-5-1 showing (20-32-2 overall) a step closer to respectability.

With a quarter of the season in the books, it is now possible to take a very basic measurement of the teams scoring potential by dividing points for by points against (see your expanded standings in our newspaper, if you still read one).

Therefore, in the Giants -10 vs. Seattle game, New York is 3-1 with a scoring differential (what I call the Z Factor) of 1.24 and the Seahawks are 1-3 with a .60.

So the Giants have outscored their four opponents slightly (a cumulative 15 points) and Seattle hardly at all (cumulative -39). Add in home field advantage and the fact that the Seahawks have dorky uniforms and the choice is clear: Giants minus 10 over Seattle.

(First team is the pick)

NYJ + 7.5 at NE: Thinking here is that Pats will probably win, but not by more than a TD.

Indy -2.5 vs. KC: Colts have to win some time, and KC's a likely fall guy.

AZ + 3 at Min: Another battle of titans. No faith in Vikes here.

Buf +3 vs. Phi: Vick, Schmick. How about some facts — Bills, 3-1 (1.39); Eagles 1-3 (1.00). Oddsmakers are stubborn people, and the prevailing sentiment is that Michael Vick is a somewhat flawed but nonetheless powerful god. This one's got "push" written all over it.

Hou -5.5 vs. Oak: Raiders are more or less for real, in a middle of the pack way, but Texans are outscoring opponents and playing a nice brand of football. Plus anything associated with Texas inflames northeastern liberals and therefore pleases me.

NO -6.5 at Car: We keep hearing that whatsisname's going to have the big breakout game; in the meantime the Saints are 3-1 (1.30) and the Panthers are 1-3 (.87). The missing half point makes the bet even more plausible.

Cin +2 at Jax: This game is blacked out everywhere except Iran and North Korea.

Ten +3 at Pit: This is more wishful thinking on my part than anything else. I am enjoying the Steelers' demise — specifically, the demise of the creep who shoves girls around and worse.

I'm also tired of the guy with the hair.

SF -3 vs. TB: In which the 49ers fight to uphold the honor of their division, which as a group is 5-11.

SD - 3.5 at Den: The Incredible Shrinking Point Spread, as oddsmakers get hip to the fact that the Chargers do not blow anybody out.

GB -6 at Atl: They keep saying the Falcons are tough and I keep waiting to see it. Right now they look pretty ordinary, and the Packers look like 5-0.

Det - 5.5 vs. Chi: Why not the Lions? Their Z Factor is second in the league at 1.78. Chicago is 2-2-2 (.96) and looking very blah.

Separated at Birth: Chris Carpenter and The Crusher

2011-10-08T08:51:00.002-04:00

St. Louis pitcher Chris Carpenter, who made the Phillies look stupid last night, reminds me of The Crusher, who destroyed Ravishing Ronald but was no match for Bugs Bunny.

NFL 2011 week four

2011-10-02T10:52:00.004-04:00

Tuesday morning QB: Winging it was better. 10-5-1 (20-32-2, .385), getting closer to the .500 mark.

After this week a quarter of the season will be in the can and a meaningful statistical sample thus available. The single best number is the simplest: divide points for by points against and you get a number. If it's 1.00 or above, the team scores as many or more than their opponents. Under 1.00, the reverse. So if a team's number is 2.5 and they are playing a club with a .85, for example, that should tell you something about winning, losing, and by how much.

But this week we continue with the wildly unsuccessful "winging it" method...

Picks, with a heavy emphasis on home underdogs

NYG - 1.5 at AZ

NYJ + 3.5 at Bal

Det + 2.5 at Dal

Jax + 7 vs. NO

SF + 9.5 at Phi

Was - 2.5 at StL

Cle even vs. Ten

Buf -3 at Cin

KC + 2.5 vs. Min; Chiefs have to win some time, Vikes a good candidate.

Car + 6.5 at Chi

Hou -4 vs. Pit

Sea +5 vs. Atl

SD -7 vs. Mia

GB -12.5 vs. Den

Oak +5 vs. NE

TB -10 vs. Ind

NFL 2011 week three

2011-09-25T10:44:00.003-04:00

Tuesday morning QB: So much for that approach. I got crushed at 5-11 (10-27-1). My friend Kurt says "Other people's football picks bore the crap out of me" and I am coming around to his view.

Managed to stay on the plus side of the ledger last week with a 8-7-1 performance (14-16-1 overall). I was spectacularly wrong about the two New York teams.

The NYC tabloids, the Post and the Daily News, both have extensive football betting analysis and squads of alleged experts who pick the games against the spread. It is heartening to note that most of these professional prognosticators suck at it too.

Someone named Ebenezer Samuel, of the Daily News, has the best record so far, at 17-12-3. I am bravely hitching my wagon to Eb's this week, mostly out of laziness. Boredom is a factor as well; the pro game seems more static than ever, and I am truly fed up with the hype. I don't think the hoo-hah is any worse this year, I'm just less tolerant.

Anyway, I am sick to death of watching somebody make a routine tackle and commence to prance. When I am elected Dictator prancing will be a capital crime.

Eb and I believe the Eagles will prevail by 7 1/2 over the Giants in Philly.

We also like:

The Jets to cover the 3 1/2 in Oakland — actually, Eb likes the Raiders, so we diverge, but we contain multitudes.

Bengals - 2.5 vs. SF

Pats -8 at Buffalo

Houston +4 at NO

Miami + 2.5 at Cleveland

Ten - 6.5 vs. Denver

Detroit - 3.5 at Vikings

Carolina - 3.5 vs. Jax

SD - 14.5 vs. KC

Bal - 3.5 at StL

Atl +2 at TB

Arizona - 3.5 at Seattle

GB - 3.5 at Chicago

Pitt - 10 at Indy

Wash + 5.5 at Dallas

NFL 2011 week two

2011-09-17T08:15:00.002-04:00

It was 6-9 vs. the spread last week (didn't pick the Saints-Packers game). That's a nice mediocre start.

NY Post line from Saturday, Sept. 17:

Picks in bold

NYJ -9 vs. Jax: Jax can run, keep this closer than 9

NO -7 vs. Chi

Det -8 vs. KC

Buf -3 vs. Oak

Was -4 vs. Az

Bal -6 at Ten

Pit -14 vs. Sea: Steelers bounce back against weak opponent

GB -10 at Car

Min -3 vs. TB

Cle -2 at Ind: Colts really are a one-man band

Dal -3 at SF: Take home dog for laughs and atavistic Cowboy hatred

Hou -3 at Mia

NE -7 vs. SD

Den -4 vs. Cin

Phi -2 at Atl

NYG -6 vs. StL: I think this is a long year for Giants fans

NFL 2011 week one

2011-09-11T12:28:00.004-04:00

Oh, what the hell, let's take a stab at it again. Skipped the Green Bay -New Orleans opener; these picks have zero analysis behind them.

Picks in bold

At Baltimore -1 Pittsburgh

At Tampa Bay -1.5 Detroit

Atlanta -1 At Chicago

At Kansas City -3.5 Buffalo

At Houston -9 Indianapolis

Philadelphia -4 At St. Louis

At Cleveland -6.5 Cincinnati

Tennessee -1 At Jacksonville

NY Giants -2 At Washington

At Arizona -6.5 Carolina

At San Francisco -6 Seattle

At San Diego -9 Minnesota

At NY Jets -6 Dallas

New England -7 At Miami

At Denver -3 Oakland

Score: 6-9 vs. spread

McBain on the Silver Screen

2011-09-02T09:24:00.000-04:00

Carelli and Teddy signing, sort of.

Vincent Gardenia, somewhat wilted

It was hot in the city, and air conditioning hadn't been invented yet. Or something.

Yes, that's Jerry Orbach

I've been on my semi-annual Ed McBain tear, especially the 87th Precinct novels, without which there would be no "Law and order."

Speaking of "Law and Order," the 1958 version of "Cop Hater" features an impossibly young Jerry Orbach as a street punk, head of a gang — er, social club called "The Grovers." You can tell the members from the general population by their tight tees that say "Grovers" on them. Also the pomade.

Vincent Gardenia, who used to pop up in 70s situation comedies like "All in the Family," is also on tap as alcoholic informer Danny the Gimp.

The film dispenses with the fictional "Isola" but doesn't exactly name the city, either. And for some reason they thought it wise to make Detective Steve Carella into a Carelli.

It's a fast flick, and a little sneaky in that the opening sequence makes it unclear if we're looking at a cop or a cop hater.

It's also pretty raunchy for the time — lots of semi-clad female pulchritude, in towels and underwear.

Surprisingly straightforward treatment of the Teddy Franklin character, Carelli's deaf/mute girlfriend.

Very bang bang. Anticipates the "CSI" shows by, oh, 50 years. Excellent noir direction. No wasted razzmatazz. A thoroughly solid B movie, often overlooked and not all that easy to find (got my DVD from a third party Amazon seller).

Four coils.

Dragnet '67 — The Triumph of the Square

2011-08-31T13:16:00.005-04:00

It was 3:15 p.m. and I'd stopped in at the library. On a table were DVDs and a sign — "All DVDs and CDs $1."

I grabbed some spaghetti westerns, some Italian mob flicks — and a box set of "Dragnet 1967."

The first episode, about LSD, was a real historical artifact. Sgt. Friday and Officer Gannon couldn't arrest this kid "Blue Boy" because LSD wasn't illegal — yet.

So when they found him with his face painted half blue, half yellow, with his head in an anthill, all they could do was take him home to his unappreciative parents.

Some months later they get some action from the legislature, and they go after Blue Boy. Alas, he's gone on The Last Trip.

That's just the beginning...

SEE! Jack Webb's curious gait, in which he walks without moving his UPPER BODY!

THRILL! To Harry Morgan's high roll three-button sack suit — with TWIN VENTS!

GASP! At the tripster with his head stuck — in an ACTUAL ANTHILL!

WONDER! At Sgt. Friday wearing the same grey jacket for weeks on end — even to a NEO-NAZI'S SECRET LAIR!

This is tremendous stuff. Robbers who only hold up candy stores, a rich lady who tries to defraud the insurance company when her "imperial jade" is stolen, criminals in sports jackets.

Four unabashed coils.

Cigars Must Go. Keep Saying That.

2011-08-24T07:25:00.003-04:00

I like cigars.

Scratch that.

I love cigars — the way they smell and taste. I like the way they line up in a humidor. I appreciate their value in deterring the insect world.

I'm not a cigar nut, but I don't buy them at the Rite-Aid either.

But over the last decade or so I have developed a 5-10 per day habit, and it's got to stop. It's expensive, unhealthy and disgusting.

Expensive? I spend about $200/month on cigars. That's more than I spend on food.

Unhealthy? My cholesterol's a tad high. The doc put me on a statin, "seeing as how you smoke all those cigars." And I hate this medicine. It makes me very logy.

Disgusting? Exhibit A: My teeth.

Exhibit B: Guy told me he was somewhere and smelled cigar, but didn't see anyone. Then he spotted my car, locked with the windows up.

"Your car smells like cigars," he said.

So here's the plan. No cold turkey like last time. I almost went insane.

Phase One — Get 5-10 per day down to 5-10 per week. Which is still a lot. Clean the car out, and stop smoking in it. This will make cutting down even easier as summer winds down. Who wants to stand outside in the snow for 45 minutes smoking a cigar?

Phase Two — Get it down further, to 5-10 per month. In effect, relaxing once a week with a smoke.

Very ambitious, but realistic. Now excuse me — I'm going to smoke a cigar and think about when to implement this fine plan.

She-Bop a Lulu

2011-08-22T07:21:00.006-04:00

The problem with The She Creature (1956) is the creature, frankly.

Look at the dark-haired girl who is being regressed by the evil Dr. Lombardi, back to the primeval ooze.

Now look at the She Creature, which is the eighty bazillion year old version of the same girl.

And now look at them together, and tell me something good about evolution.

So there's this tycoon and he has a daughter who has dumped her drunk fiance and is making a play for the serious Dr. Erickson, played in earnest Eraserhead style by Lance Fuller. Meanwhile Dr. Lombardi (Chester Morris) is regressing the crap out of the beautiful Andrea (Marla English) and causing the She Creature to come out of the ocean and kill people who have nothing to do with anything.

Most of this movie has nothing to do with anything, but it doesn't matter, because once the She Creature gets moving and the body count mounts the flick moves right along.

One too many hypnosis scenes. Galloping pocket squares. Eraserhead hairstyle on Lance. Bulging bodices. Monster breasts, modestly covered with what appear to be scales. Eight bodies. Sinister smoke. Past life regression, with bizarre Cockney commentary.

Idiotic. Mildly amusing. On a two-fer DVD with The Day the World Ended. Two coils.

When the Weather's Hot and Sticky...

2011-08-19T15:29:00.002-04:00

There's more to this doggerel but it's kinda dirty.

We're Broke — Can You Dig It?

2011-08-18T15:11:00.002-04:00

Declaration of Independents: How Libertarian Politics Can Fix What's Wrong with America by Nick Gillespie

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Usually when people talk about "moderates" or a "third way" they are taking a political stance similar to the Democratic party ca. 1976 — which was not all that different from that of the Republican Party ca. 1976.

And when libertarians get going, they often start out strong — the government that governs best governs least — and then flounder on the reefs of legalizing all illegal drugs, or adopting a McGovernish foreign policy. (See Ron Paul.)

These guys, from Reason magazine, are charting a third way that is based not as much on doctrine as on youth and technology.

The gist is that younger voters today approach politics like consumers. And they are jamming the servers with complaints about the slothful, wasteful and dopey government.

What, they ask several times, is so difficult about the concept that we are broke?

What indeed.

With bonus insight into the importance of the Velvet Underground, which should be a clue that this is not the ordinary political book.

View all my reviews

A Family Affair

2011-08-02T13:52:00.003-04:00

Rescued from the Ask Andy archives, here is a summer 2007 photo spread inspired by the erichiosis tick and the delirium therein:

Cousin Al, who has no visible means of support.

Ghastly, bibulous cousin Rufus. At any social event he is guaranteed to get his head stuck in the potato salad.

Cousin Edward (don't call him Eddie), a parsimonious twit whose burning ambition in the field of accountancy is matched only by his inability to do simple arithmetic. He, too, buys his neckties at the thrift shop, although I fear not with quite the same eye as, well, me.

And cousin Charlie, a state senator whose record of blundering, moral ambivalence and overall sleaze has earned him the notice of national party officials, shown here in his usual pose. Charlie has the ability to make the simplest things sound impressive; here he is asking for Thousand Island dressing on the side.

The Bonus

2011-07-15T08:32:00.003-04:00

I bought an old fiberglass fly rod from P.D. Walsh's Country Store in Falls Village, Conn. yesterday for a whopping $31.92 with tax.

I don't think it's ever been used. Seven feet long, casts well with a four weight and even better with a five. It's got to be 40 years old at least, probably older.

But imagine my surprise and delight when I opened the cardboard tube and saw the madras rod sock.

How I Escaped From Hell, Only to Watch This Turkey

2011-07-13T10:29:00.003-04:00

Tuesdays are rough in the weekly newspaper business. They usually involve writing a story or two from the previous evening — two and a half hours' worth of deep thoughts on wastewater treatment and the economic potential of Spandex-clad bicyclists this time — and proofreading, arguments about words, incessant food-related questions from Ye Editor, thinking up stories for next week, and an enduring headache.

So it was with considerable relief that I realized that not only did I not have any Tuesday night things to cover, but I had six Bimbos Behind Bars flicks to watch, courtesy of Amazon.

Unhappily, I started with "Femmine Infernali" (aka "Escape from Hell"), a piece of rancid Italian cheese from 1980.

The first clue that this was going to suck was the quality of the print. I think they set up a 16mm camera and sync sound recorder and filmed the screening of a 16mm print of the movie. Kind of like the guys who sneak little video recorders into theaters now and then sell the result as bootleg DVDs. At least the movie guys used a tripod.

But this sucker could have been pristine and it would still be awful, even though it has all the elements of a BBB movie — the shower scene, the lesbitation, the mud fight, the sadistic guards, the sadistic warden, the sadistic lesbitatious German female guardette.

And it adds some exciting new twists, such as de facto crucifixion, flogging while strapped to log, and burial up to the neck while the python approaches.

Or was it a boa constrictor?

The drunken doctor in the camp is the good guy. He gets his head out of the J & B bottle long enough to have sex with one of the gals, and lead them out on a mostly doomed escape bid.

Everybody else who isn't a prisoner are the bad guys, including the tubby little warden, who is germaphobic — not helpful when running a ladies' prison camp in the jungle.

We're talking a couple of dozen breasts, and lots of groping of the female areas. Also slobbering. Exceptionally bad overdubbing, which combined with extraordinarily poor sound quality, make it impossible to follow the dialogue. (Extra half coil for this.)

What makes this particular piece of schlock stink, as opposed to your "Caged Heat" or "The Big Doll House"?

The pace is turgid, the exploitation scenes are by the numbers, and while I am generally against plot getting in the way of the story, there has to be some reason for these gals to be out in the jungle digging holes and filling them back up.

One and a half coils, in gratitude for not being able to make out the words.

Adventures in Horticulture

2011-07-13T08:49:00.002-04:00

Through absolutely no fault of my own I have these flowers right outside my door. A couple years ago the landlord hired a lady to come mess around with the place, and nothing happened. But this year all these orange things popped up, and the purple things, which started out as boring green pods, changed color and in the last week or so started to open up.

I sit out here in the mornings with coffee, cigar and current book, Imus on the radio, and the flowers - whatever they are. Very restful.

Magnum Pie

2011-07-12T11:11:00.003-04:00

In college we referred to Tom Selleck (in "Magnum, P.I.") as Magnum Pie. We smoked a lot of pot in those days.

However, I do love my Magnum Pie red bird shirt. Ghastly, yet tasteless.

Where Are You, Lindsey Nelson ?

2011-07-07T16:09:00.010-04:00

The great Lindsey Nelson, on his wardrobe choices for broadcasting the New York Mets:

"We were going to be televising 120 games in color. I walked into a New York clothing store and told the clerk, 'Let me see all the jackets you can't sell.' He brought out seven, and I bought all of them.” He claimed he owned 335 of them at one point in time. They often clashed with the set and his surroundings, because the television technology of the time couldn’t handle it.

from Centerfield Maz

Today's offering is not quite as eccentric as Nelson's, but I tried. Old Brooks jacket, Lands End shirt and knit tie, baggy Bill's M1 poplins with the single forward pleat, argyle socks from J. Press with Mets orange and blue, and rather dirty bucs.

After a lot of false starts I have concluded that a white shirt and solid tie are the only things to wear under a jacket like this. I suppose pink, blue or yellow might work — but I lack the energy to try.

Pervert! — The Next Bloodsucking Freaks?

2011-07-02T07:25:00.004-04:00

Mary Carey plays with her corn in Pervert! — an act of easily penetrable symbolism.

No, Jonathan Yudis' Pervert! is not the next Bloodsucking Freaks. It's too tasteful, for starters.

James is a dorky college student who goes home from Tulane or wherever for a summer with pa in Death Valley.

The father has one of those minor prophet names like Hezekebediah, wears overalls and makes meat sculptures — not a great medium out in the desert.

He also hires hookers to come out and live with him. One of them played by erstwhile politician Mary Carey, has sex with James too.

But James has a terrible curse that involves the fact that his genitals have become detached from his own personal groinal area and are in fact a set of violent mutant genitals, with lots of sharp teeth and a very definite, if unfocused, desire to kill.

So what I want to know is how did James have sex with Mary Carey in the beginning of the flick?

This was keeping me up last night, but I got to sleep — finally — by counting breasts (22). A lake's worth of blood. Random witch doctors. Sexually ambivalent neo-Nazi child-abusing auto mechanic. Attack penis and testicles, with teeth. Penis-Cam. Surprisingly good soundtrack. Really, really stupid.

Hideous

2011-07-01T12:28:00.004-04:00

On June 28 I delivered a mostly ad-libbed lecture on fly-fishing at the historic and airless South Canaan Meeting House in Falls Village, Conn.

Sweating bullets, I stammered my way through the hour, and then did a little impromptu casting demo afterwards.

Brooks blazer, JAB StaysCool SuperDuper white buttondown, madras tie, baggy Bill's poplins, and dirty bucks. Rod is the Lunker Clunker, a nine-foot eight-weight piece of lumber from Cabelas, which cost about $89 shipped with a case, reel and line. You buy it cheap, you don't weep.

Cordially...

2011-06-28T14:23:00.003-04:00

The last time I put in an order with Ellie for bow ties she thoughtfully included this orange and blue number for my consideration.

And like the ill-mannered oaf I am I forgot all about it until last week.

So file it under "Better late than never."

Ellie's a versatile lady who is married to a guy named Andy. Andy started posting photos of bow ties his wife made, on the Ask Andy site. (Different Andys.)

Andy (who is married to Ellie) was promptly inundated with requests along the lines of "Gimme gimme" and "Me too." (A feature of my personal mythology is that I was the first.)

And now there's a nice little business venture with classy — and affordable — bow ties. Check it out.

The Cordial Churchman

Zero Woman vs. The Stupidest Gang in World History

2011-06-21T07:25:00.005-04:00

The gang's all here, with their learning disabilities

In "Zero Woman: Red Handcuffs" ZW is a cop who entraps an evil diplomat who likes to beat up girls until they're dead.

She does this so efficiently that, by golly, the diplomat gets dead. And for this outstanding bit of public service Zero Woman gets tossed in the coop.

Zero Woman gets this guy right in the diplomatic pouch

In the meantime, this guy who looks like a horse with Greg Brady hair gets out of prison and rejoins his moron friends. Together they form the absolute worst gang of all time.

They just happen to pile out of the weeds where the Japanese president's daughter is sitting in a Datsun sedan explaining to her boyfriend why he's got to go. The gang drags her out, rapes her, and brings her home for more fun.

Then they figure out who she is and demand a ransom. Or rather, their lesbian keeper figures it out.

The government decides the only way to handle this is to get Zero Woman out of jail and let her kill everyone.

The "Zero Woman" style — lots of blood, messily

For a "pink violence" flick this one's got just enough plot to make it semi-sensible, but not so much that it detracts from the extended torture scenes, or the magic self-repairing green dress Zero Woman wears.

We're talking about a dozen breasts, including a couple you'd probably rather skip. Strangling, garroting, shooting. Seven full gallons of blood, with special emphasis on the spurting. The regrettable state of Japanese male underpants ca. 1975. Entire gang afflicted with severe leaning disabilities. Everybody dies, pretty much. Short.

Three coils.

Mystery Brook

2011-06-19T20:22:00.005-04:00

I fished one of my favorite small streams in northwest Connecticut this evening. It runs through private property and the landowner asked me not to publicize it, so that's why I'm being cagey.

There are two stretches: one upstream from a bridge that stays close to the road and is relatively easy to get into, and a much longer section that runs through a steep gorge. It is perfectly possible to clamber 20-odd feet up some boulders and get a look at the next pool from eye level. And if you've never watched a fly floating at you from water level, and have a fish take it, well, it's different.

The water was warmer than I expected, and the brook trout a little sluggish, but I managed to land a few. They are spirited critters, and shake a hook much more decisively than their cousins in the big rivers.

A Salty Salute

2011-06-18T06:18:00.006-04:00

I haven't been to the ocean for swimming and lazing purposes in 30 years, so a week at Bethany Beach, Del. was an interesting change of pace.

There were herds of lifeguards doing drills. They'd charge around on the beach, running in that odd beach gait of short, high steps.

Then, at a signal, it was into the water, where they ceased being a herd and became a school.

The routine was quickly established: Up early and make the coffee, take a go cup to the beach and walk, smoking a meditative cigar. The town is the most regulated place I have ever seen, and smoking is at the top of the list of banned activities — except where the town fathers have placed those butt receptacle things at inconvenient places along the public beach. So discretion must be employed, but the only people out at 6 a.m. are surf-casters, the four percent body fat crowd getting a head start, and, well, visitors trying to enjoy a quiet smoke without killing anybody with their dangerous secondhand smoke that cunningly defeats the steady wind and miraculously goes into the lungs of everybody within 100 yards — with fatal results. Oh agony.

Then the morning fry. I tried to stay in the water, which was very pleasant. The rest of the time I sat under an umbrella, which helped some. I still got toasted.

To continue: The six-block walk to town. The search for the Washington Post and New York Times (for my elderly parents) and the New York Post for me (for Anthony Weiner jokes). The chintzy souvenir shops. The excellent bookstore. The French fries, with vinegar and salt, from Thrasher's. The afternoon fry. The stealthy slink through the residential neighborhoods, with cigar. The quiet dinner. The final beach walk. The bed.

The condo complex where we were was very comfortable and easy for my folks to navigate. although it had a sort of Stalinist tower block look to it, especially from a distance. On my own ticket I'd stay at an actual house — but on my own ticket I wouldn't have gone to begin with, unless there is a state campground somewhere nearby.

In six days I read nine detective stories and a big stack of New Yorkers I never got around to, walked a lot, and looked at girls. Not very exciting, but you'll have that.

The Hanging Gardens of Red Rock

2011-06-17T07:21:00.012-04:00

The Hanging Gardens Look at Red Rock

Returning to the Woodland Valley brook always means finding something different, but in recent years, between Mother Nature and various state agencies, Woodland has undergone massive makeovers.

The good news is that the Red Rock pool survived. The chute that runs into it is intact, and if we lost a little space on the road side, the retaining wall creates cool, deep cover for trout during the dog days of summer.

The bad news is it's easy and inviting to get down there from the road; I have already seen worm-drowners perched on the wall. They were hipsters, though, so maybe it was a one-shot deal. I know they were hipsters because a) the car had a vanity plate for an art gallery — also promoted by a sticker — and b) the male half of the sketch was wearing a stingy brim straw hat.

Re-exploring the brook in the spring is like arriving at your favorite golf course, only to find it completely remodeled. Except, of course, that streams get redone by floods and men with machines, which is right and proper and manly, and golf courses are playpens for the pampered. I hate golf. Lacrosse, too.

Anyway — the pool across from the Roxmor entrance was also given the retaining wall treatment, with good results; a stream shift from last year plus a tree down has created a very tricky and deep hole downstream from Nakamoto's; road improvements above Red Rock led to disimprovements in the stream above Red Rock, which used to have a series of deep pockets that are now mostly gone, along with the streamside cover.

The weekend of June 3-5 I fished the brook pretty hard. The stocked browns in the Roxmor and Red Rock pools would take pretty much anything Saturday morning. Sunday morning they were slightly more selective.

By the following weekend the fish that remained in the obvious pools were far more finicky, and the fish had spread out. I caught them in the pockets between Nakamoto and Roxmor, and again in the very last stretch of the stocked water — both shaded and squirrelly areas.

So all that's good. The bad news is that didymo (aka rock snot) was spotted in the lower part of Woodland Valley last summer, which means that guys are not paying attention and streamhopping in the same gear they use in the Esopus.

I know it's a pain and runs into money, but I have repaired and rehabbed waders and boots so I have clean gear for any body of water I'm likely to fish. I dry everything out thoroughly as well — in the sun.

If nothing else, keep a bottle of Tilex Mold and Mildew in the car and give your stuff a squirt before you go in.

Roxmor pool

Below Nakamoto's — upstream and down, where the deep hole under the tree is. Combination of tree, depth and fast current makes it hard to get a nymph in there.

It's Spring! Oh, Wait a Sec...

2011-05-16T07:57:00.002-04:00

We're having one of those springs where Mother Nature lulls the people into a sense of complacency with a short string of sunny days with the mercury getting into the 70s.

Then it clouds up and it spits and doesn't get much above 60. Hmm...should I try a light tweed today, or just stubbornly go by the calendar?

I picked up some cotton jackets over the winter, including this two-button, undarted Corbin number. Which is a little tight, as over the last couple of weeks I slacked off at the gym. Grrr.

Signs of Spring

2011-05-11T09:12:00.003-04:00

Opened up the Catskill house. Lots of dead mice strewn around; my D-Con assault worked, apparently.

Esopus Creek above the Portal. Water temps still cold; chucked everything in my fly box out there and didn't see a thing. Still, it was nice to get out of Dodge.

Found a pair of madras pants from the great Trimingham's shop in Bermuda. They were a little chewed up at the bottom so I had Gabriele convert them to shorts. And I found a bucket hat that actually fits my absurdly large head. It takes very little to make me happy these days.

Bucket hats, madras shorts, and fishing. Finally.

The effect was somewhat mitigated yesterday by a forest fire in the general vicinity of Mt. Riga.

When Legends Bite the Big One

2011-05-01T07:45:00.013-04:00

I picked up some used CDs at a tag sale yesterday — the Who's Quadrophenia, and a Jimi Hendrix collection, Voodoo Child.

A friend of mine in college was always a little out there, but by our senior year he had holed up in a single room, taking blotter acid and listening to Quadrophenia (and Sgt. Pepper) over and over. Somehow he graduated. How is one of life's enduring mysteries.

I haven't heard Quadrophenia in 25 years, except for bits and pieces on the radio. I popped it in on the way to a "Battle of the Bands" thing at the local high school.

Right away it was stupid — surf noises, and an alternately bombastic and syrupy Statement of Themes on the synthesizer.

The synth was set on "strings," I suppose. And Sweet Tap-Dancin' Jeezus does it sound childish, and amateurish. For anybody without the massive ego of Pete Townshend these interludes would be more accurately described as "ditties."

But "Can You See the Real Me" is a Who song. Not their greatest by a long shot, but it's the real thing.

And it's the last listenable moment on the two-disc set. I remembered "5:15" as pretty good. It isn't.

A "rock opera" was always a dopey notion. Real opera is bad enough — you think a back beat's gonna make it work? Just write your kick-ass three-minute song and shut up already.

(Quadrophenia is also a really long, really bad film. If you've run out of red-hot needles to shove in your eyeballs check it out.)

One of the flaws in the enthusiastic performances at the Battle of the Bands was the belief of the electric guitarists that they will, at some point in their careers, get paid by the note. And it's hard to argue the point after listening to the live disc of Voodoo Child, which presents Jimi Hendrix as the recipient of the Annoying Guitarist Guild's highest award, the Diddley-Diddley-Diddley Whoo-Ooo-Ooo medal (with wah-wah clusters) for "Most Egregious Waste of Everybody's Time."

Disc one is a recap of a different Hendrix: the innovative and — dare I say? (dare, dare) — economical player on three monstrously good studio albums.

Buried in the insipid liner notes, with a sanitized bio and lots of self-congratulatory splooge about how the great man's recorded legacy is finally in the hands of people who care, is an observation of bass player Noel Redding looking bored out of his mind while Hendrix went off on one of his endless, tedious workouts.

Charlie Parker and John Coltrane were geniuses, but after Parker all horn players started trying to play really fast, with few spaces. Post-Coltrane, horn players began playing really fast with no spaces.

And no point. Jazz morphed into chamber music after that. Has anybody danced at a jazz show in the last 50 years?

Listen to Hendrix's solos on these live shots without getting a headache and I'll send you five bucks. (You can't be drunk or stoned, and you'll have to prove it before I send the dough.)

No dynamics, no restraint, no thought. Just flailing away, as if getting paid by the note.

Brian Eno was once asked why Robert Fripp was his favorite guitarist. The answer: "He plays with his ears, not with his hands."

Salon Kitty Not Up to Scratch

2011-04-23T11:57:00.004-04:00

I had high hopes for Tinto Brass' Salon Kitty (1976). I had heard through the underground film grapevine (i.e. fellow sickos) that it rivaled Ilsa: She-Wolf of the SS in the Naziploitation genre.

And it could have, too. The "Salon Kitty" was a Gestapo brothel; the Nazis got the idea to bug the place and listen to the pillow talk as a way to ferret out spies, potential deserters and dissenters, and the like.

But somebody got the idea they were making a serious film, albeit one with lots of nekkidity. It's the same notion that sank Caligula.

So what you wind up with is two hours plus of sporadic weirdness, some of the most annoying Nazis in screen history and entirely too many cabaret numbers.

The big ol' orgy scene near the beginning is noteworthy, if only for the sheer number of writhing young members of the Master Race.

And one musical number would have been okay to set the decadent tone. But four? (Or was it five? I don't remember, I used the fast-forward.)

And Brass does not miss an opportunity to editorialize against the Nazis, which is not a particularly bold or unusual stance.

We're talking massive orgy, filmed a la Stanley Kubrick with a rigidly symmetrical long shot to establish the thing. Pubic hair trimming. Dwarf sex. Amputee sex. Breasts galore (lost count after a dozen). Nazi in Ubermensch/super hero outfit. Toe sucking. Bread dildo. Sex with "Triumph of the Will" showing on the wall. Shouting Nazis. Mincing Nazis. Cape-wearing Nazis. Luftwaffe brains blown out in shower by vengeful hooker. True love. Interminable musical nightclub intervals, and somebody took the time to write the songs. Way too much plot getting in the way of the story.

A grudging two coils, with a fast-forward caveat.

Convents and Roses and Nuns, Oh My!

2011-04-19T10:39:00.004-04:00

School of the Holy Beast (1974) is an unpleasant little Japanese nun-sploitation flick that will have you rethinking your relationship with your florist.

Maya (Yumi Takigawa) enters the convent where her mother died 18 years earlier, under suspicious circumstances.

The nuns are sorted into cliques, none of them are very nice, and there's a fair bit of lesbitation going on.

There's also a Western woman floating around, for no apparent reason other than the lesbitation.

It's hard to figure out what is going on, plus the star and the second female lead look very similar, so I wasn't sure who was doing what.

Yumi's big moment is the slow-motion rose-whipping scene. In the DVD's interview with the actress, she says she wasn't completely hip to what the flick was about and resented the nudity that director Norifumi Suzuki insisted on.

So those are real grimaces in the rose scene — not of pain, but of anger and disgust — and that takes the exploitation level up a notch.

Eight breasts, give or take. Whipping (self-administered). Whipping by others. Whipping with roses. Flowery panties cause conniption in abbess. Dorky guys get smuggled over the wall. Dialogue about God (existence of) lifted from "The Seventh Seal."

Starts out well, gets bogged down in incomprehensible plot, picks up again with rose scene. Essentially pointless, but not a horrible way to spend an hour and a half.

Bonus interview with tubby Japanese film critic who knows entirely too much about porno.

Two and a half coils.

Labels

2011-04-15T20:24:00.003-04:00

Interesting labels — I'll add to them as they come along.

When did Brooks start making slim fits? I know they now offer four fits — Traditional, regular, Slim and Extra-Slim. Just wondering how old this shirt is.

Here's a real relic: A J. Press shirt from the days of three stores.

Seussical — The Falls Village Children's Theater

2011-04-11T11:33:00.004-04:00

Variations on a theme — Brooks Brothers #1 tie

2011-04-08T22:43:00.003-04:00

OK, which is a Brooks Brothers #1 repp stripe tie — and which is an imitation?

With the exception of the Mulberrywood (now Sam Hober) tie, these all came from thrift shops. So there's no excuse for every guy not having one of these in his arsenal.

Sharktopus, or Why You Should Not Go to Mexico Without a Big Nuclear Spear Gun

2011-04-02T20:19:00.010-04:00

Never mind Egypt — this TV newsbabe's got serious assault problems

In Declan O'Brien's Sharktopus (2010) there are two problems.

The first is how to get as many taut firm young bikini-clad bodies in the film as possible.

The second is, inexplicably, how to keep those bikinis firmly in place.

In a film that requires an unusually robust suspension of disbelief — not just for the Sharktopus itself, but for the laptop that never runs out of juice and boots up in seconds, the cell phone that always gets service, the magic machine gun with the eternal supply of bullets — the idea that all these panic-stricken bathing beauties can run away from a giant mutant man-eating ambulatory shark/octopus without losing a bikini top here or there simply won't do.

This is why the SyFy Channel should not be allowed to make movies — even if the producer is Roger Corman.

A SyFy movie has to be shown on the SyFy Channel, which is readily available to every Tom, Dick and Methodist.

That in turn means no nekkidity, no cussing, and none of the other elements that make the cinema the great art form it is today — like sex scenes interrupted by a giant mutant man-eating ambulatory shark/octopus, for instance.

There's some plot I won't bore you with, except that it's that darn old military-industrial complex fiddling around with the genetic balance again. Amazingly, the movie does not blame George W. Bush. For anything.

Never go bungee-jumping, especially not when a giant mutant man-eating ambulatory shark/octopus is on the loose

We're talking bikinis galore, all occupied and none in transition, for an automatic one-coil deduction.

Fire-dancing routine for stupid fat tourists entertainingly interrupted by Sharktopus. Boat, Volkswagen convertible eaten by same. Spoiled whiny girl who reminded me of my last girlfriend so much that I cheered when she was neatly plucked from the bungee jump by Sharktopus. Head popping. Tentacle fu. Confusing subplot that ends happily when annoying TV reporter gets mauled. Confusing subplot that ends happily when pirate radio deejay gets mauled.

With some mild nudity, this could have been a truly noteworthy film. With lots of utterly pointless and gratuitous nudity, this could have been a serious contender for an Iron Coil — right up there with heavyweights like Bloodsucking Freaks, Zombie Lake and Ilsa: She-Wolf of the SS.

As it is, Sharktopus gets full marks for funny story and not wasting a lot of time on plot; the special effects are just as goofy as they need to be; and at 89 minutes it's a sandwich and a seltzer kinda deal.

Three coils

Fishing 2011 — First Blood (mine)

2011-04-02T17:48:00.009-04:00

Somebody tell Nike I'm available for less than 10 percent of Tiger's price

Spring is just a rumor in Deep Hollow

Deep Hollow. It sure looked trouty.

Ten-Mile Creek. Massive flooding last month makes access easy now, but in a month the banks will be a solid mass of that $%^#! multi-flora stuff.

No sign of the remaindeer, hahaha

I couldn't stand it anymore. Tossed some gear in the car and went over to Dutchess county, N.Y., to take a whack at Deep Hollow and the Ten-Mile River between Amenia and Dover Plains somewhere.

Didn't even see a trout. Nobody else did either.

Found some deer remains and barked my shin well enough to draw blood through waders, chinos, and long johns.

Summary — lots of stumbling around; lost three flies; rainy and cold (spring is only a theory in Deep Hollow); shins; two cigars; absolutely pointless.

Hooray! Fishing season!

Caddisfly?

The vintage Brooks Brothers sport shirt

2011-04-02T08:43:00.006-04:00

Way back in the olden days, when giants roamed the Earth and you could hear great rock and roll music that jumped out of a single speaker in the dashboard, Brooks Brothers made sport shirts.

They still do, but the "large" has sleeves that go to my knuckles and I can't button up a "medium." (For reference, I'm 5'9", 170 or so, and wear a 16.5 x 33 shirt.)

Old BB sport shirts, however, all seem to fit me extremely well. I think it's just dumb luck, frankly.

Here are two vintage specimens that arrived yesterday. I'd be interested to know the exact vintage — that one label is very minimal.

Now I can't button these all the way up, but I'm not going to wear a tie with these anyway, so who cares?

A tale of two Weejuns

2011-03-31T17:52:00.010-04:00

First, a recently eBayed (strap penny) pair that have been reheeled (it's practically new) and resoled (and needs it again, it's squishy at the ball of the foot).

Second, a thrifted pair of beefroll pennies I had redone by NuShoe.

Notice that both appear to be of the same approximate vintage; both made in USA, so that should provide at least an outside date; and both have interiors that are practically spotless, and uppers in good shape.

The previous owners must have been "loafers with socks" guys.

And just in case you haven't twigged yet that I am completely insane, here is a portion of the loafer collection.

Negatory, Good Buddy

2011-03-31T17:23:00.002-04:00

No, no, a thousand times no.

Dockers D3

2011-03-31T09:00:00.003-04:00

In the never-ending quest for decent chinos I bought a couple pairs of Dockers D3.

They are comparable in fit to Bill's M2 model — in 36 x 29, after washing in cold water and drying 15 minutes on low heat, they shrank a little, to a 18.5 x 2 = 37 inch waist (so vanity sizing is in play here), 12-inch rise, 28 inch inseam, leg opening at the bottom 9.75 inches, which might be a deal-breaker for some. I have a shot with a loafer above — the pants leg doesn't appear to overwhelm the shoe, but that's at least partially a function of the short leg.

The pants have a non-alterable waistband, a stupid slogan and two mysterious orange loops.
The fabric is fairly hefty. I won't even try to wear these in dressy situations, these are casual or knockaround pants.

I like them because the rise is long enough that they're not hip-huggers but the cut in the back is such that I don't have a lot of extra fabric billowing around.

Grade: B

Strategy

2011-03-29T20:51:00.005-04:00

Update — Just got the Brooks Bros. shirt today (top photo). Hint: If you're searching eBay for madras shirts, try "sport shirt."

(Original post)

In the warm weather I divide my spare time between two remote locations about 75 miles apart, in NW Connecticut and the Catskills in New York.

The goal is to be able to throw a dop kit and spare shorts into the duffel bag and go. No trundling clothing around.

So I've been amassing sport shirts on the cheap — some from the thrift shops, but most from eBay — including these two just today.

From the same seller, these two short-sleevers came to just under $30 shipped. I might have been able to argue the seller down a couple of bucks on the shipping — but naaah.

These are, frankly, better than what I'm likely to find thrifting. And $15 per isn't all that much different than two $4 thrift shops shirt plus the gas to drive to the place, 15 miles round trip, plus the time involved.

Right? Right.

PT Boats?

2011-03-28T15:51:00.004-04:00

Everybody loves their Alden or Florsheim gunboats, but what would you call these? Besides Tom, Dick or Harry, which has to be the weirdest shoe name ever.

From the Allen Edmonds customer service desk:

Thank you for your interest in our Allen-Edmonds Shoes. The shoes were manufactured in the late 80's. There is really no story behind the name of the shoes.

The name came up in a manufacturing meeting and stuck.

Skinny Lapels

2011-03-27T17:53:00.005-04:00

Along with the wide tie question I was thinking about some of these older jackets I've picked up. If you're going with the theory that lapel and tie width should be correlated, a lapel like this one really leaves no alternative to a knit tie — except maybe a sort of Ric Ocasek deal, ca. 1981, which would also demand a mullet poufe and red leather pants.

Large Pattern, Wide Tie?

2011-03-26T19:37:00.006-04:00

I am thinking about the ties. I have stripes galore. I've got solids, plaids, neats, repeats; reety- all-righties, swirls, twirls, floops and zoops; marching sperm, dancing girls, leaping trout, doghouses and golf clubs, and the insignias for The Episcopal Church, the Gibraltar Club and something mysterious from the local Masonic lodge that found its way to the thrift shop — and probably shouldn't have.

But what I don't have are a lot of ties with large patterns and the reason why is I think large patterns probably demand a wide tie. And I like my ties no wider than three and a half inches.

Consider this Rooster:

I like the pattern a lot. Would it look abbreviated on a slimmer tie? I think so.

A guy in Pennsylvania who just bought a couple of things from me saw my plea on the sales blog and is sending me this J. Press paisley, which he says is massively wide.

We'll see how this goes.

I am thinking specifically about wearing wide ties with double-breasted suits. The peak lapels on the jackets should offset the extra tie width. I'm thinking a little in the Edward G. Robinson mode here.

Big Time

2011-03-23T22:01:00.001-04:00

The Connecticut Yankee sales blog caught the eye of Megan Baldwin, a web producer for the NBC affiliate in Hartford.

We emailed back and forth a bit, and this was the result.

The Feast Connecticut

Pebble Grain Longwings

2011-03-23T19:53:00.006-04:00

Stuart McGuires, with a cushy insole that's mighty comfy and a sole that seems to resist everything, as they look exactly the same as when I bought them at a garage sale two years ago.

Allen Edmonds MacNeil

Older pair of the same shoe, with the patented "Death Heel"

And finally, Florsheim, with the patented "V-Cleat Death Heel"

Outerwear Bonanza

2011-03-23T17:14:00.003-04:00

It seemed a little, well, stupid.

I was trying to sell things and clear some much-needed space in my apartment. Yet when the opportunity to buy this Golden Bear jacket and an antique Brooks brothers car coat I just couldn't resist.

And today it's been snowing and it's cold and bitter out, so I feel very clever.

Total for both (one clothing forum find, one eBay) about $95, funded by the PayPal slush fund. So it's not even real money, right?

(With economic thinking like that I could be a star in the current administration. Hell, that's delusional enough for a congressman.)

And they even say "railroad"

2011-03-23T07:25:00.003-04:00

I was hoping these boots would find a buyer, but time is running out.

Do you suppose it might be the $1400 price tag that's keeping even the most determined hipsters away? I mean, $1400 buys a lot of espresso, Dunhill cigarettes, grey Goose vodka and, uh...oh wait, that is the hipster diet.

The Overpriced, the Bad, and the Ugly

2011-03-21T19:56:00.008-04:00

Update — This old coat from the real Abercrombie and Fitch started off at $99, which is within the bounds of sanity, but there were two bids immediately for $500. How that will work out I don't know, but I suspect...

Hipsters...with trust funds

Original post:

Sometimes I find things that are so preposterous they deserve our attention. Like these shoes on eBay for a mere $29.99 plus shipping.

I'd pay that to make them go away — which, come to think of it, might be what the seller has in mind.

To be continued...

Here's a nice old suit with skinny lapels, short side vents and all that Lee Marvin in "The Killers" stuff. The seller's connecting it with "Mad Men," a tedious television show with some interesting clothes and a whole lotta hype.

Purveyors of "vintage" gear have to take advantage of the golden moment when something stops being old and outdated and starts being hipster. (Notice I didn't say 'hip," because hipsters aren't.)

Hipsters have large budgets and the attention span of a gnat, so the window for selling something to them is short but lucrative.

That means that this nice suit, for which I might pay $100 if everything was just right, has an absurd asking price of $299. Nothing against the seller; I've bought from him before, and he's honest and reliable.

I blame the hipsters. Luckily the wind seems to have gone out of the "Mad Men" balloon, so maybe these old gems — which happen to suit me — will go back down in price soon.

Under the Influence

2011-03-20T16:17:00.003-04:00

Under the influence of John Mordock, a fishing writer out of Ulster county, N.Y., who says the bugs on the Esopus have gotten smaller over the years, I got my initial lineup of new flies from Wally Allen, who runs Ligas Flies out of Boulder, Colo.

He's got a terrific selection, great prices, and he writes cheerful notes on the invoice.

Top row: salmon egg, Dark Cahill, Light Cahill. Bottom row: Leadwing Coachman, Adams, Blue Dun
Bottom: San Juan Worm, dark red

All the wets are size 16. The other two are 14.

Small and wet is the ticket this year. Opening Day nears.

See ligasflies.com

Books by Mordock are hard to find, apparently he likes to sell through small retailers. I applaud the goal but it does mean you have to work for them. For his guide to Catskill streams and ponds I went via Feathercraft, a fly shop in St. Louis.

For my money the best general book on fly-fishing remains Taylor Streit's Instinctive Fly Fishing

There — I Said It (Gorilla version)

2011-03-20T08:08:00.004-04:00

I found a DVD at the thrift shop of a film called "Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla." It's so bad even I can't take it.

Speaking of gorillas, the last one seems to have left the room. It was extremely satisfying to come across several electronic reminders of the ex and get rid of them without a pang or the slightest urge to reread them for old time's sake.

I'd rather watch the entire Lugosi/gorilla movie. There — I said it.

Handy Tips for Bachelors

2011-03-19T10:27:00.005-04:00

We have unusually high electric rates in Connecticut — the result of an unfortunate combination of greed and stupidity among utilities, politicians, and the sort of environmentalists who secretly wish we could all live in huts and eat dirt.

Here are two easy ways to save on the Connecticut Light and Power (CLAP) bill:

1. Turn off the power strip that controls the cable box. Yes, it takes a few seconds for the thing to reorient itself when you switch it back on, but when I began doing this the bill went down 40 percent. That is not a typo.

2. I was using the dishwasher a lot, but at the N.Y. cabin, where there isn't one, I just put the evening's dishes in the sink, run hot water, add soap, and let the gentle motion of the waves do its thing overnight. A quick rinse in the morning, into the drainer, and no running the machine.

This method also allows me to use the dishwasher for its traditional bachelor function — storing really filthy dishes.

Here are some other tactics that make life easier.

1. Keep the bathroom clean. You do not, I repeat do not want to have a girl come over and need to use the can and have to wait while you dash in with cleaning supplies to give the toilet a quick swipe. A clean bathroom will give the entirely erroneous impression that you are, in fact, civilized.

2. Keep the weirdo DVDs in a box somewhere, out of sight. In the above scenario, you do not want to have to explain the presence of "Caged Heat" or "Ilsa: She-Wolf of the SS" — especially if you just had to clean the toilet.

There is plenty of time for the lady to get to know you before revealing the Dark Side of the Force. With a little luck she will have a Dark Side too and they'll balance out.

3. Women hate cigars the way men hate modern dance. These are genetic, atavistic prejudices, hard-wired into the Western psyche. They cannot be changed, just dealt with.

Suit week

2011-03-16T10:37:00.002-04:00

I'm wearing suits this week, no special reason, just a general what the hell attitude.

DB today, and, God help me, an Armani tie.

New sales blog

2011-03-12T13:34:00.001-05:00

I'm going to try consolidating all my various "for sale" threads on the clothing forums here

http://theconnecticutyankee.blogspot.com/

Shoes I Don't Use

2011-03-11T17:07:00.003-05:00

AE bit loafers, with heavier hardware than you usually see in such a shoe. "Heathwood" model, size 9D. Not a ton of wear, clean inside (nobody went the sockless route). Yours for $35 shipped CONUS.

The Mighty Housatonic

2011-03-10T12:50:00.004-05:00

At the Falls Village power station this morning. There are great hunks of ice everywhere. The heavy rain and the considerable snow pack have conspired to flood. It's down some today but more rain is in the forecast.

It'll be a while before fishing in the year-round sections is feasible, but we can dream.

I forgot my rubbers so my shoes got muddy. Horrors. Guys get completely nuts about their shoes. They're supposed to get dirty and dinged up.

Yes, I Am Full of Crap

2011-03-09T14:50:00.003-05:00

No sooner do I post about having too much stuff and vowing a sell-off than my new shirts from Mercer arrive.

Every so often I buy new stuff, and I try to do so from small outfits that make their goods by hand. Ties and pocket squares (and, regrettably, scarves for hideous ex-girlfriends) from Sam Hober. Cuff links from Kent Wang. Bow ties from The Cordial Churchman.

And shirts from Mercer and Sons. A pink university stripe oxford buttondown and one of their snazzy Italian checks in the point collar. I like Mercers point collars a lot, I think they look good as sport shirts or with a tie (and I skip the stays, I like the rumpled collar bit, it's vaguely English somehow).

The Sacred and Profane

2011-03-09T12:57:00.004-05:00

I find these billboards complement each other nicely. After all, you need one to identify the other.

I see no reason you couldn't do both, in fact. There — I said it.

(Hat tip to Big Tony at FNB)

Thoughts on Thrifting

2011-03-09T09:04:00.002-05:00

The last time I was seized by the urge to clean the apartment I was struck by just how many articles of clothing I have.

And most of them were bought on the cheap at thrift shops, eBay or from fellow Ivy enthusiasts.

I'm working on an inventory for a renter's insurance policy, and it's turned out to be quite a chore. My initial concern was for the 30-odd fly rods and assorted reels and other gear, but when I mentioned the clothing to the agent she suggested I include it.

Not that anyone's going to steal the clothes, but a fire or flood could wipe the whole mess out and leave me nekkid.

What are we talking about here?

Rough figures - two dozen sport coats and blazers. About the same for suits — many of them sacks, but a few double-breasteds, standard American two-button jobs and a few odds and ends, like a Corneliani and a couple of English cuts.

Piles of chinos in different weights and configurations. Ditto wool pants.

Shirts? Forget about it. I probably have 500 shirts if you include polos.

Luckily I have a cabin where I can store the summer stuff, which is not included in the above.

Forty pairs of shoes. Ties out the wazoo. Pocket squares, hats, striped watch bands.

The dirty secret? I wear about 10 to 20 percent of this stuff with any regularity. But I can hardly bring myself to divest.

I do believe it's a sickness, worthy of being included in the next edition of the DSM.

I won't watch that TV show about hoarders — hitting a little close to the nerve there.

Every so often I take a pile to the thrift shop, or sell something. Selling is a real pain in the neck, though.

But something has to give. I am out of room, in a large two-bedroom place. (Plus the packed closets elsewhere.)

Occasionally it comes in handy, though. The local high school is doing "Guys and Dolls" and I am loaning them some shoes and fedoras. Maybe I'll just let the props department keep the things.

What is needed is a thorough assessment and a massive sell-off. Then donate whatever doesn't sell.

And then some discipline. If something comes in, something else has to go out.

It's not as much fun as it used to be.

Never Get Rid of the Fat Pants

2011-03-08T12:36:00.004-05:00

Two weeks of being sick with a flu/bronchial thing, one week of a mild steroid, and no gym means that despite hardly eating anything during this period I have completely erased all the gains of the winter's gym regimen. I clocked in at 180 pounds this morning, and had to dig out my size 37 chinos. Never, ever get rid of your fat pants after losing a bunch of weight.

[Insert swearing here]

Two more days of the steroid and then it's back to the gym. Salad for everybody!

[Insert more swearing here]

I wish I had a copy of Root Boy Slim and the Sex Change Band's "Dare To Be Fat" to play as the soundtrack to the next couple of weeks.

Proto-Glop "Fiend"

2011-03-01T11:43:00.004-05:00

Arthur Crabtree's "Fiend Without a Face" (1958) is a nifty little Cold War sci-fi shocker that apparently caused a stir with the depictions of the mutant brain-creature fiend things getting shot or clobbered — with appropriate splatter.

See, there's this USAF base way the hell up in Manitoba somewhere, and they are playing around with a nuclear reactor to get a better picture on their radar screens. Meanwhile people in the small town nearby start croaking, and it's kinda odd — their brains and spinal cords are sucked out.

Jeff, the handsome American major, figures out that the stupid mad scientist professor is behind it all. The prof, while working on telekinesis experiments, managed to summon up out of his diseased academic brain an invisible monster that shuffles around, making slurping noises, until — SHPLOOT! Another brain sucked away.

For some reason the creatures become visible for the last third of the flick, and this is where it gets fun. They are basically brains with tails — they use the tails to push themselves along until they fly up and wrap themselves around the victim's neck.

We're talking good-looking girl in late 50s tight pants. Flying attack brains. Jeep. Manitoban goobers. Giant sucking sounds. Highly dubious science. Extremely cavalier approach to nuclear power ("Whaddya mean the rods are all smashed? Where can we get some more?")

And attack brains getting shot, getting clubbed, getting their radioactivity shut off, with appropriate gurgles and glop.

"Fiend" was ahead of its time. The stop-action effects are pretty much the same as those used years later by (to pick one example) Sam Raimi in the first two "Evil Dead" flicks.

Nice, tight little flick. Three coils.

Another Triumph of Science

2011-02-25T11:34:00.002-05:00

"Let Sleeping Corpses Lie" is the flick that answers the question "Wouldn't it be great if government scientists could barge around the countryside beaming rays into things?"

Some geniuses from the Ministry of Agriculture have developed a gizmo that zaps bugs. It doesn't just wipe 'em out, it turns the bugs into raving lunatics that kill each other.

Alas, this boon to agriculture has a slight downside — the ray also reanimates the corpses of the recently deceased. And these zombies don't emulate the insects and take it out on each other — nooo, they feel a deep-seated need for human flesh. Living human flesh.

So this snotty hippie type gets his motorcycle clipped by a nitwit in a Mini at the gas station, and since the bike won't be ready until Monday they set off together.

And of course they get lost so they stop at a farm where the hippie gets his first look at the Death Ray truck and the gal gets her first look at the Wet Zombie.

Then there is a whole lot of plot revolving around the Inspector (Arthur Kennedy) who says terrific things to the hippie, like "You're disgusting, the lot of you, with your drugs and your sex."

In the DVD's interview with director Jorge Grau he relates how the producers kept bugging him to make something like "Night of the Living Dead." He resisted at first but when he finally decided to rip off the ur-zombie movie, he did it very, very well.

I'm talking gut-eating, eyeball-sucking, foot-grabbing, gunshot-resistant zombie action, in the finest Romero tradition.

Also in the Romero tradition is the heavy-handed social commentary, without which these kinds of movies would be simply creative displays of anatomy.

One breast, ripped. Four gallons of blood. Consistently wet zombie. Heroin addict. Bad photography. Incestuous zombie attacks (two). Many exciting scenes shot in the dark. Great zombie noises. Two "Oh I don't have the keys to the car and the zombies are coming" moments.

Stupid scientists with even stupider machine.

Very interesting interview with the director.

I don't know how I overlooked this gem. Straight to the all-time list. Four coils.

So Many Cliches, So Little Time

2011-02-15T13:45:00.006-05:00

I found a two-fer DVD at the Stop & Shop a few weeks ago — "The Howling", installments V and VI. Oddly enough, V's release date is two years after VI.

VI has got most of what you want in this type of film, except breasts. (There is one, but it's attached to a hermaphrodite nightclub singer.)

Now I don't expect great writing, but can't we do a little better than this roster of stereotypes? Sheriff who is automatically suspicious of foreigners; peckerwood pol in polyester three-piece suit, even when it's obviously 98 degrees; preacher/weirdo; preacher's daughter, anxious to get a little sinning in; evil villain who might or might not be Satan and dresses like a roadie for Rush.

OK then. We're talking cat swinging. Supernaturally evil villain in charge of a circus. Tight pants and checked frock coats on same, which for some is the true horror. Stupid fat mayor. Stupid fat mayor's stupid fat wife. Alligator boy. Malevolent midget. Lycanthropic transformation scenes shot on a very tight budget. Werewolf who looks like Michael Jackson after a long night in the Magic Kingdom. Cute girl who fails to get nekkid. Yokels. Guns. Some blood. One breast, sort of. Exceptionally stupid. A grudging two coils.

Bite Me

2011-02-15T10:22:00.004-05:00

Tell the truth — would you throw her out of bed for eating crackers, or small animals?

"My Mom's a Werewolf" (1989) is a perfectly foul made-for-TV (and/or straight-to-VHS) flick that has very little to recommend it except for the presence of Susan Blakely as Mom.

No nekkidity, alas, but who wouldn't take a shot at her? (Assuming you can get around that hair and fangs deal.)

Working out the angles is always the toughest part of home dentistry

Imagine inquiring about lycanthropy in addition to sexually-transmitted diseases, prior to jumping in the sack with someone?

I used to date a girl who looked like this — on purpose.

High 1980s hair. Bad pleated acid-washed 1980s jeans. Toe-sucking. Toe-biting. John Saxon taking a break from harassing Jim Rockford. Ruth Buzzi chewing the crystal ball as a gypsy fortune teller. John Schuck wearing an expression that says "I would rather be doing summer stock."

One coil.

Ugh

2011-02-11T08:57:00.003-05:00

"I hate this effing snow" — Mike V.

Temperature reading in Lakeville, Conn., 7:05 a.m.

Cordially...

2011-02-08T13:49:00.003-05:00

While we're in catch-up mode, here is a quick how-de-doo to Ellie Laveer and The Cordial Churchman bow tie deal.

Ellie sent this along about a month or so ago and I finally wore it last week. Or was it the week before?

She also sent me a spring tie to try out, and if spring ever gets here I will report then.

In the Queue

2011-02-08T10:46:00.006-05:00

Neither of these people are named Boris Lugosi, but they do appear in "Frankenstein's Castle of Freaks."

I have a big pile of scrawled notes that will be turned into movie reviews shortly — three regular films by Jean-Pierre Melville and a load of caca that has erupted from the depths of my NetFlix queue.

That list includes Tod Browning's "Freaks," which I haven't seen in a decade, and "Frankenstein's Castle of Freaks," featuring Boris Lugosi as "Ook, the Neanderthal Man."

I fell asleep in the middle of the latter so I must fire it up again. But thus far we've got: one necrophiliac midget; uneasy transition between guys in Sta-Prest slacks and windbreakers subduing Ook the Neanderthal Man in the opening scene and the Victorian era setting of the rest of the film; one nekkid scene with no goodies; one full breast (dead); four partial breasts (living); girl in polka-dotted top hat, for no apparent reason.

Update: This is a tough movie to watch, it's that bad. One full breast in the grotto scene. The police inspector rides one way along the path; then he rides back. Some of the most hapless dubbing in cinematic history. One pint blood, unusual for a mad scientist with freaks and corpses everywhere. (Maybe they blew the budget on the inspector's horse.) A consistent and frankly splendid disregard for continuity. Utter crap. One coil.

Snow Style

2011-02-05T09:31:00.002-05:00

Viyella bathrobe, Brooks Brothers pajamas, LL Bean slip ons, Stormy Kromer cap. Coffee and cigar optional.

Holy Grail Time

2011-01-20T13:21:00.003-05:00

Maybe describing a new old stock white buttondown shirt from the late, lamented Huntington Clothiers of Columbus, Ohio as a Holy Grail is a stretch.

But Huntington supplied my shirts for my post-college years, when I lived in Boston and made about $400 a week if I was lucky.

And now, thanks to the magic of eBay, here is Huntington again supplying a shirt. (I now live in rural Connecticut and, er, make $400 a week if I'm lucky. But unlike Huntington, I'm still here.)

This shirt is at least 15 years old. Still in the wrapper, still has the pins in it.

In those days half a dozen shirts ran about $125 with shipping. They advertised in the New York Times Sunday magazine, I think. I'd clip the ad, fill it out, mail it off with a check and a couple weeks later receive a box of Made in USA oxfords, plus a nifty little catalog with some fancier shirts, $40 jobs. Ritzy stuff.

I don't actually need another white shirt in the rotation right now, so I think I will instead construct a shrine for this one.