Shake, Rattle and Zzzz

The Douglas Library in North Canaan, Conn. presents the immortal 2004 Sci-Fi Channel classic "Skeleton Man," featuring That Guy With the Kinda High-Pitched Voice Who Always Plays the Platoon Leader. As part of the four-flick set at $2, the investment in this film is therefore 50 cents.

Which is about 37 cents too much.

Here goes. Scene, Pacific Northwest. Archaeologists are looking at Indian artifacts. Guy dressed up as Guy Fawkes bursts in, kills dorky scientist and chases hottish middle aged science babe down the street to the power substation, where killing her is more fun. Then the killer tries to make a "Hey hey, ho ho, (fill in the blank) has got to go" chant work but "archaeology" just doesn't scan.

Then the mayor of New York sends in the Navy SEALS and they kill Oliver Cromwell. Afterwards everyone eats organic buckwheat pancakes and resists the urge to smoke.

The killer Tweets all through this, and is featured the next evening on MSNBC, where Ed Schultz calls him "an authentic voice for justice and democracy."

Wait, I'm getting things mixed up here. Sorry.

Scene, Pacific Northwest. Archaeologists are looking at Indian artifacts. Guy dressed up in hooded cape and unconvincing skull mask bursts in, kills dorky scientist and chases hottish middle aged science babe down the street to the power substation, where killing her is more fun.

Cut to Army dudes in woods getting chased by Skeleton Man. I can't help but interject that if these guys spent as much time on cardio as they do on their biceps they would be better able to run away from supernatural skeleton men on horseback. Just sayin'.

Later, Army Capt. Doofus and his team search for the missing people. They do this by blundering around in the woods with day packs and a lot of electronic stuff that never works at the best of times and really isn't worth a rip when deployed in an area of Ancient Evil.

The team consists of four men, all meatheads, and four babes who had wardrobe adjust their nylon cargo pants just right before the cameras rolled.

Eventually only Doofus and Lt. Ta-Ta (the blonde with the semi-big nose) are left for the exciting showdown at the chemical factory.

No breasts (automatic one coil deduction). Painful dialogue. Nice butts on the ladies in the team, especially the demolitions expert. Surprisingly little blood for a film littered with corpses. Decapitation. Suggested brain-eating. (No, wait, I'm getting mixed up with Occupy Portland again.)

In a word, it sucks. Avoid.

Best Opera Ever

This is highly symbolic.

A while back I got interested in Japanese gangster films and discovered the work of Seijun Suzuki, who is a flippin' genius of sorts.

"Pistol Opera" is a completely deranged flick — take a pound of Godard, add Fellini to taste, and serve on a bed of Japanese weirdness.

Stray Cat is the No. 3 assassin in the Guild. For some reason she's supposed to take out No. 1, Hundred Eyes.

That's about it for the plot. If it's a story you want, go buy a set of Dickens.

Stray Cat goes about her bidness, which involves masturbation, death in a swimming pool, a little girl with a lantern, sitting on a love seat in a driveway with another equally bizarre lady, dancing around with little guys in diapers, and other important hired killer activities.

Stray Cat, interrupted by the Diaper Guys.

Occasionally an extremely irritating solo trumpet on the soundtrack interrupts the flow of strangeness.

This flick makes no sense, so don't try. Just sit back and let it happen.

Two breasts, briefly. Hot assassin. Oddball with cane. Gunfight in the Bamboo Grotto. Japanese opera. Toy guns. Little dudes in diapers. Gratuitous artsy-fartsiness (see below) that works.

Three and a half coils. (Half off for the trumpet.) Check it out.

Select Something Else

This might be creepy if the flick wasn't so stupid

"Natural Selection" (aka "The Monster Hunter") is an indie attempt at a serious black comedy about serial killers.

David Carradine is Louis Dehoven, a cross between Fox Mulder and the Exorcist, and he has a good time being weird and sticking stakes in corpses.

See, there's a serial killer loose in a small Texas town. He cuts off his victims heads, adds postage, and sticks them in the mailbox. Why? Because, hey, he works for the Postal Service!

Ahahaha.

The flick is part mockumentary, part warped procedural, and mostly tedious. All the bits have promise, and all of them fail due to the "Saturday Night Live" effect (i.e. not knowing when enough is enough).

It's the latest $1 item from my new source of bad cinema, the Douglas Library in North Canaan, Conn.

No breasts (automatic one coil deduction). A pint of blood, maybe. Scenery chewing. Flagellating. Quick demon scenes. At best, mildly amusing.

One coil.

NFL Week 17 and the Grand Triumphant Finish

Broke even last week. Imagine the agony as I drove south, listening to the dog-ass Ravens allow the Browns back into the game, even as bulletins from New Jersey indicated nothing good for the dog-ass Jets.

So we're entering the final week of the regular season three games down.

East Coast Bias games:

NYG -3 vs. Dal: This is win and in for both teams, with no wild card in the picture. So what has to happen is that some alert and nimble Giant will hurl Tony Romo to the ground with extreme prejudice.

NYJ +2.5 at Mia: I have no faith in this crew at all, but I think they can certainly win this contest and then enjoy sitting around waiting for the Oracle to read the bones and feathers and tell them if they're in the playoffs.

Buf +11 at NE: Pats can get something here, home field all the way through, or whatever, and they will win this game, just not by this much. As usual.

Phi - 8.5 vs. Was: I made it to my folks house in time to observe the last bit of the Redskins-Vikings tilt. My conclusion is the Redskins are pretty bad. Eagles playing for pride.

Bal -2 at Cin: Last week's gagitatious performance against the Browns make me wary of the Ravens, but it is New Year's Eve, after all, and there is an excellent chance that many Bengals will be in jail prior to kickoff.

Games of tremendous significance:

Have you tried to puzzle out those AFC playoff scenarios? "Insert one dime and two nickels or four nickels or one dime and one nickel and five pennies or..."

GB +3.5 vs. Det: "How can this be?" you ask. The line assumes that most of the good Packers will be relaxing on the bench. Not to take anything away from the Lions, but the backup Packers are certainly worth a home underdog bet.

SF -10.5 at StL: The Niners can get a bye with a win, and nobody just beats the Lambs by seven or whatever. It's impossible.

Hou +3 vs. Ten: Here's another line I don't quite get.

Pit - 7.5 at Cle

Oak -3 vs. SD

KC +3.5 at Den: The extra half point makes this pick. A Tebow miracle brings this in under the field goal.

Atl -12 vs. TB

Ind +3.5 at Jax: Hey, why not?

Car +8 at NO: Surely Saints will take it easy

Who cares dept.

Min -1 vs. Chi

Sea +3 at AZ

Cordial Christmas

Festive tie from Ellie and Andy's "The Cordial Churchman" shop. Y'all buy one.

NFL 2011 week 16

Lord did I get creamed last week at 6-9-1.

Tonight I will stupidly take Houston minus 6 at Indianapolis. After last week I do not believe in anything.

Friday morning...

Well that worked out well. Indy 19-16. That takes me down to 87-90-4.

The slate:

Jets -3 vs. Giants: When this one was scheduled nobody thought it would be the two New York teams fighting for their lives. Whoever loses is probably out of the layoffs. Both clubs have looked bad lately but the Jets have won a few and the Giants haven't.

Mia + 9.5 at NE: Not for a moment do i think the Dolphins win this but Pats are not a great spread team.

Was -6.5 vs. Min: Redskins have shown signs of life. Not a lot of life, but a pulse, anyway. The Vikes have never really recovered form the Sex Boat days.

Bal -12.5 vs. Cle: Very uneasy opting for double digits with the Ravens, but the Browns make it more plausible.

Den -3 at Buf: Broncos kept the elite Pats off-balance for half the game last time. And the Bills are not the Pats.

Oak +2 at KC: Raiders last stand should add some urgency to this.

AZ +4 at Cin: I like the Cards and points, any time.

Pit -16.5 vs. StL: Way too many points for comfort, but a) the Rams are horrible and b) the Steelers are playing for pride after SF loss and playoff pecking order.

SF -2.5 at Sea: After the Steelers game I am a believer.

Ten - 7.5 vs. Jax

Car -7 vs. TB

Det -2.5 vs. SD

Phi + 1.5 at Dal

GB -13 vs. Chi

NO -6.5 vs. Atl

And away we go.

Oak +2 at KC

Lakeville, Conn.

Lakeville on a cold December evening. Waiting for snow.