NFL Week 17 and the Grand Triumphant Finish

Broke even last week. Imagine the agony as I drove south, listening to the dog-ass Ravens allow the Browns back into the game, even as bulletins from New Jersey indicated nothing good for the dog-ass Jets.

So we're entering the final week of the regular season three games down.

East Coast Bias games:

NYG -3 vs. Dal: This is win and in for both teams, with no wild card in the picture. So what has to happen is that some alert and nimble Giant will hurl Tony Romo to the ground with extreme prejudice.

NYJ +2.5 at Mia: I have no faith in this crew at all, but I think they can certainly win this contest and then enjoy sitting around waiting for the Oracle to read the bones and feathers and tell them if they're in the playoffs.

Buf +11 at NE: Pats can get something here, home field all the way through, or whatever, and they will win this game, just not by this much. As usual.

Phi - 8.5 vs. Was: I made it to my folks house in time to observe the last bit of the Redskins-Vikings tilt. My conclusion is the Redskins are pretty bad. Eagles playing for pride.

Bal -2 at Cin: Last week's gagitatious performance against the Browns make me wary of the Ravens, but it is New Year's Eve, after all, and there is an excellent chance that many Bengals will be in jail prior to kickoff.

Games of tremendous significance:

Have you tried to puzzle out those AFC playoff scenarios? "Insert one dime and two nickels or four nickels or one dime and one nickel and five pennies or..."

GB +3.5 vs. Det: "How can this be?" you ask. The line assumes that most of the good Packers will be relaxing on the bench. Not to take anything away from the Lions, but the backup Packers are certainly worth a home underdog bet.

SF -10.5 at StL: The Niners can get a bye with a win, and nobody just beats the Lambs by seven or whatever. It's impossible.

Hou +3 vs. Ten: Here's another line I don't quite get.

Pit - 7.5 at Cle

Oak -3 vs. SD

KC +3.5 at Den: The extra half point makes this pick. A Tebow miracle brings this in under the field goal.

Atl -12 vs. TB

Ind +3.5 at Jax: Hey, why not?

Car +8 at NO: Surely Saints will take it easy

Who cares dept.

Min -1 vs. Chi

Sea +3 at AZ

Cordial Christmas

Festive tie from Ellie and Andy's "The Cordial Churchman" shop. Y'all buy one.

NFL 2011 week 16

Lord did I get creamed last week at 6-9-1.

Tonight I will stupidly take Houston minus 6 at Indianapolis. After last week I do not believe in anything.

Friday morning...

Well that worked out well. Indy 19-16. That takes me down to 87-90-4.

The slate:

Jets -3 vs. Giants: When this one was scheduled nobody thought it would be the two New York teams fighting for their lives. Whoever loses is probably out of the layoffs. Both clubs have looked bad lately but the Jets have won a few and the Giants haven't.

Mia + 9.5 at NE: Not for a moment do i think the Dolphins win this but Pats are not a great spread team.

Was -6.5 vs. Min: Redskins have shown signs of life. Not a lot of life, but a pulse, anyway. The Vikes have never really recovered form the Sex Boat days.

Bal -12.5 vs. Cle: Very uneasy opting for double digits with the Ravens, but the Browns make it more plausible.

Den -3 at Buf: Broncos kept the elite Pats off-balance for half the game last time. And the Bills are not the Pats.

Oak +2 at KC: Raiders last stand should add some urgency to this.

AZ +4 at Cin: I like the Cards and points, any time.

Pit -16.5 vs. StL: Way too many points for comfort, but a) the Rams are horrible and b) the Steelers are playing for pride after SF loss and playoff pecking order.

SF -2.5 at Sea: After the Steelers game I am a believer.

Ten - 7.5 vs. Jax

Car -7 vs. TB

Det -2.5 vs. SD

Phi + 1.5 at Dal

GB -13 vs. Chi

NO -6.5 vs. Atl

And away we go.

Oak +2 at KC

Lakeville, Conn.

Lakeville on a cold December evening. Waiting for snow.

NFL 2011 week 15

I forgot — again — about the Thursday night game but take the Falcons minus whatever you have to give against the wretched Jaguars.

Saturday night: Dallas -7 at Tampa Bay: Bucs have been awful, just awful. Feel comfortable with this number.

Sunday morning:

Best teams in the league in terms of points for/points against: SF 1.69 (10-3); GB 1.68 (13-0); Hou 1.59 (10-3); Bal 1.58 (10-3); NE 1.45 (10-3) and NO 1.45 (10-3); Pit 1.42 (10-3).

Best teams vs. point spread: NFC — SF (10-2-1); GB (9-4); NO (9-4); Sea (8-4-1); Was (8-5). AFC — Hou (10-3); Cin (7-5-1); Oak (7-5-1); Bal (7-5-1); Den (7-6) tied with KC and Mia.

Which tells you what, exactly? That the Ravens don't blow people out. That the Niners might eventually give Green Bay problems. And that if I paid more attention to this stuff instead of guessing I'd have a better record this season.

New York - New England:

Jets +3 at Phi: This seems like a real tossup. Pick Jets because they're still in it.

Giants -6.5 vs. Was: Redskins are bad but Giants aren't much better. The one thing NY has is a quarterback who can engineer things. Unhappy with the number but will take the chance.

Den +6.5 vs. NE: I think this is where the last-minute stuff comes to a halt for the Broncos. They need to be close or ahead the entire game to win it. Plus Brady has been known to pull some last-moment stunts himself. The non-existent Pats secondary makes me take the home 'dog plus the points. but I think NE wins this game.

Buf -1 vs. Mia: Really belongs in the "Who Cares?' dept. but let's go with the woesome Bills at home against the leaderless Dolphins.

Of interest:

SF -2.5 vs. Pit (Monday night): As I crunch the numbers the 49ers are a better club. And I like that missing half point.

Bal -2.5 at SD (Sunday night): Ravens out score opponents by a 1.58-1 margin; Chargers by 1.08-1. This should be enough for Baltimore to put SD out of its misery.

Hou - 6.5 vs. Car: For a team with no QB the Texans seem to be doing pretty well.

Det -1 vs. Oak: Raiders = Faders. Cheatin' Lions prevail. Keep hope alive.

NO -6.5 at Min: A dome is a dome.

GB -13.5 at KC: Packers outscore opponents by 1.68: 1; Chiefs are scored on 1: .57 . This is called a "gap."

Gack:

Sea +3.5 at Chi

Ten -6.5 at Ind

Cin -6.5 at StL

AZ -7 vs. Cle

NFL 2011 week 14

Thursday night: Steelers minus 14 vs. Cleveland.

A feeble 8-7 last week, which got me one game over .500 (81-80-3)

More Sunday...

Back at .500 as stupid Steelers decided to waffle around.

Regional interest:

NYG +3.5 at Dal: Giants almost beat Green Bay and gave Saints a hard time.

KC -10.5 at NYJ: No way am I taking the Jets and giving double digits.

NE -8 at Was: This will be a classic Patriots game. They'll toy with the Redskins until late in the third, and then clobber them in the fourth.

Gambling interest:

Sea - 6.5 vs. StL (Monday night): Normally wouldn't touch with ten-foot or any other sort of pole, but Rams are going with a QB who's either the third stringer or off the practice team or something. Seems like easy pickings.

Ind + 16.5 at Bal: I suspect a similar situation to last week, when the Pats allowed Colts to cover an insane 20.5 spread.

AZ +4 vs. SF: As underdogs the Cardinals are a great betting team. They might even win it outright.

Football interest:

GB -12 vs. Oak: I like the Raiders but they are not the club that's going to upend the Packers.

No -3.5 at Ten: Titans have some playoff hope but hard to see them exploiting Saints suspect secondary, somehow. (Alliterate or die.)

Car +3 vs. Atl: I'll take Cam Newton and a field goal at home against the dog-ass Falcons. Sure I will. You betcha.

Den -3.5 vs. Chi: The key question is this: Does the last-moment Denver drive result in a touchdown or a field goal? Seems like an even money proposition to me.

Who Cares? Dept.

Hou +3 at Cin: I have no faith in Bengals

Det -8 at Min: Long past time for Lions to get back to form

Mia -3 vs. Phi: And the Eagles circle the drain

SD -7 vs. Buf: Make me watch this.

"The Acid Eaters" Wins Top Honors

The quicksand scene, with breasts

Finally, a movie that makes even less sense than "The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies."

Byron Mabe shoulders the blame for this 1968 epic, with Carlo Monson handling the screenplay.

I hope Byron didn't pay Carlo much, because this film has no screenplay. It barely has a story, and certainly no plot to get in the way of anything.

After some uniquely bad "I'm gonna tune out/ Ain't gonna work for the Man no more/Twang twang/Plink screech thud" music the guys and gals head out on their motorcycles to go take LSD, make out, paint each other, kill passing motorists and find the giant white temple of acid.

Got that?

Many strange and wonderful things happen during the trip. They hang around this little hut next to a pretty crummy-looking pond, the girls take their tops off, and they paint each other. Then they make out.

Later a couple are making out and one girl gets mad at another one and chases her into quicksand, thus presenting Carlo with an opportunity to write some dialogue. Alas, Carlo's characters can only say things like "I've never seen quicksand before." The girl dies, and everybody makes out.

The girl winds up in Hell, where an Indian chief and an old guy in galluses are playing checkers next to a ladder. Seriously.

Then the gang rides elsewhere. Artie, played with near-autistic exuberance by the immortal Buck Kartalian, has no girl now, so he jumps up and down on these big pipes for a while until he meets the Indian chief, who gets the quicksand girl back for him, while he takes a cold shower under a tree.

Meanwhile, a well-dressed couple are having a strange post-coital conversation under a pile of hay, and everybody makes out.

Then they all kill a passing motorist to get reefer money. This is the most exciting moment in the film.

And finally we arrive at the "acid pyramid," which is really a ziggurat, and a pretty cheap-looking one at that. Naturally, the girls immediately take off their tops and everybody climbs on the ziggurat to make out.

And inside Arnie, dressed like the Devil, urges people to take a bite of the LSD tablet, a big thing that looks like styrofoam. And checks are cancelled, bourbon and 7-Up is poured, and long, arbitrary street scenes with jump cuts are provided. Plus an outraged citizen's face and the couple on the field. And a girl in a rowboat. Wait, that was at the beginning. Anyway, they all make out.

We're talking a near-constant parade of the same four sets of breasts: one large and starting to droop a bit; one large and defying gravity for the moment; one medium firm; one small and droopy, an unfortunate combination. Rear end assessment is more speculative — the production is quite profoundly mammarial.

Breast set number one

And then the girls take their shirts off and everybody makes out.

At 62 minutes, just bearable. Two coils, for the amount of nudity and sheer incomprehensibility.

NFL 2011 week 13

I did pick Seattle over Philly last night, plus I think an even 3, but I forgot to post it.

Since nobody reads this it doesn't matter.

Sunday morning...

New York-New England regional:

GB -7 at NYG: The dog-ass Giants might make the playoffs but they are not going to derail the Packers. Not now, not ever.

NYJ-3 at Was: Have to take the dog-ass Jets in this spot, as it is do-or-die for them. In fact, every game is that way now for Fat Rex and the gang.

Ind +20 at NE: No I don't think the Colts will win. I don't think they will be competitive. But I know the Pats have an inconsistent defense which could allow a touchdown or two. And I don't think the league nor the coaches would be happy if New England won by 49 points, which is possible.

Ten +1.5 at Buf: The Bills folded faster than Superman on laundry day.

Around the league, in descending order of interest:

Oak+3 at Mia

Cin +6.5 at Pit: Bengals are 5-0 vs. spread on the road

Den +1.5 at Min: For all the criticism of Tebow, he's got the Broncos on the winning side of things.

Bal -6.5 at Cle

StL +13 at SF: Unlikely Rams win this but price is too high to take favorite

AZ +4.5 vs. Dal: Cowboys tend to win by a nose, and this spread is a nose and a nose hair.

NO -9 vs. Det: Lions are the Bills of the NFC. Pfui.

Atl -3 at Hou: Texans adopt single wing for today's contest.

TB -3 vs. Car

Jax +3 vs. SD (Monday night)