NFL 2011 week 15

I forgot — again — about the Thursday night game but take the Falcons minus whatever you have to give against the wretched Jaguars.

Saturday night: Dallas -7 at Tampa Bay: Bucs have been awful, just awful. Feel comfortable with this number.

Sunday morning:

Best teams in the league in terms of points for/points against: SF 1.69 (10-3); GB 1.68 (13-0); Hou 1.59 (10-3); Bal 1.58 (10-3); NE 1.45 (10-3) and NO 1.45 (10-3); Pit 1.42 (10-3).

Best teams vs. point spread: NFC — SF (10-2-1); GB (9-4); NO (9-4); Sea (8-4-1); Was (8-5). AFC — Hou (10-3); Cin (7-5-1); Oak (7-5-1); Bal (7-5-1); Den (7-6) tied with KC and Mia.

Which tells you what, exactly? That the Ravens don't blow people out. That the Niners might eventually give Green Bay problems. And that if I paid more attention to this stuff instead of guessing I'd have a better record this season.

New York - New England:

Jets +3 at Phi: This seems like a real tossup. Pick Jets because they're still in it.

Giants -6.5 vs. Was: Redskins are bad but Giants aren't much better. The one thing NY has is a quarterback who can engineer things. Unhappy with the number but will take the chance.

Den +6.5 vs. NE: I think this is where the last-minute stuff comes to a halt for the Broncos. They need to be close or ahead the entire game to win it. Plus Brady has been known to pull some last-moment stunts himself. The non-existent Pats secondary makes me take the home 'dog plus the points. but I think NE wins this game.

Buf -1 vs. Mia: Really belongs in the "Who Cares?' dept. but let's go with the woesome Bills at home against the leaderless Dolphins.

Of interest:

SF -2.5 vs. Pit (Monday night): As I crunch the numbers the 49ers are a better club. And I like that missing half point.

Bal -2.5 at SD (Sunday night): Ravens out score opponents by a 1.58-1 margin; Chargers by 1.08-1. This should be enough for Baltimore to put SD out of its misery.

Hou - 6.5 vs. Car: For a team with no QB the Texans seem to be doing pretty well.

Det -1 vs. Oak: Raiders = Faders. Cheatin' Lions prevail. Keep hope alive.

NO -6.5 at Min: A dome is a dome.

GB -13.5 at KC: Packers outscore opponents by 1.68: 1; Chiefs are scored on 1: .57 . This is called a "gap."

Gack:

Sea +3.5 at Chi

Ten -6.5 at Ind

Cin -6.5 at StL

AZ -7 vs. Cle

NFL 2011 week 14

Thursday night: Steelers minus 14 vs. Cleveland.

A feeble 8-7 last week, which got me one game over .500 (81-80-3)

More Sunday...

Back at .500 as stupid Steelers decided to waffle around.

Regional interest:

NYG +3.5 at Dal: Giants almost beat Green Bay and gave Saints a hard time.

KC -10.5 at NYJ: No way am I taking the Jets and giving double digits.

NE -8 at Was: This will be a classic Patriots game. They'll toy with the Redskins until late in the third, and then clobber them in the fourth.

Gambling interest:

Sea - 6.5 vs. StL (Monday night): Normally wouldn't touch with ten-foot or any other sort of pole, but Rams are going with a QB who's either the third stringer or off the practice team or something. Seems like easy pickings.

Ind + 16.5 at Bal: I suspect a similar situation to last week, when the Pats allowed Colts to cover an insane 20.5 spread.

AZ +4 vs. SF: As underdogs the Cardinals are a great betting team. They might even win it outright.

Football interest:

GB -12 vs. Oak: I like the Raiders but they are not the club that's going to upend the Packers.

No -3.5 at Ten: Titans have some playoff hope but hard to see them exploiting Saints suspect secondary, somehow. (Alliterate or die.)

Car +3 vs. Atl: I'll take Cam Newton and a field goal at home against the dog-ass Falcons. Sure I will. You betcha.

Den -3.5 vs. Chi: The key question is this: Does the last-moment Denver drive result in a touchdown or a field goal? Seems like an even money proposition to me.

Who Cares? Dept.

Hou +3 at Cin: I have no faith in Bengals

Det -8 at Min: Long past time for Lions to get back to form

Mia -3 vs. Phi: And the Eagles circle the drain

SD -7 vs. Buf: Make me watch this.

"The Acid Eaters" Wins Top Honors

The quicksand scene, with breasts

Finally, a movie that makes even less sense than "The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies."

Byron Mabe shoulders the blame for this 1968 epic, with Carlo Monson handling the screenplay.

I hope Byron didn't pay Carlo much, because this film has no screenplay. It barely has a story, and certainly no plot to get in the way of anything.

After some uniquely bad "I'm gonna tune out/ Ain't gonna work for the Man no more/Twang twang/Plink screech thud" music the guys and gals head out on their motorcycles to go take LSD, make out, paint each other, kill passing motorists and find the giant white temple of acid.

Got that?

Many strange and wonderful things happen during the trip. They hang around this little hut next to a pretty crummy-looking pond, the girls take their tops off, and they paint each other. Then they make out.

Later a couple are making out and one girl gets mad at another one and chases her into quicksand, thus presenting Carlo with an opportunity to write some dialogue. Alas, Carlo's characters can only say things like "I've never seen quicksand before." The girl dies, and everybody makes out.

The girl winds up in Hell, where an Indian chief and an old guy in galluses are playing checkers next to a ladder. Seriously.

Then the gang rides elsewhere. Artie, played with near-autistic exuberance by the immortal Buck Kartalian, has no girl now, so he jumps up and down on these big pipes for a while until he meets the Indian chief, who gets the quicksand girl back for him, while he takes a cold shower under a tree.

Meanwhile, a well-dressed couple are having a strange post-coital conversation under a pile of hay, and everybody makes out.

Then they all kill a passing motorist to get reefer money. This is the most exciting moment in the film.

And finally we arrive at the "acid pyramid," which is really a ziggurat, and a pretty cheap-looking one at that. Naturally, the girls immediately take off their tops and everybody climbs on the ziggurat to make out.

And inside Arnie, dressed like the Devil, urges people to take a bite of the LSD tablet, a big thing that looks like styrofoam. And checks are cancelled, bourbon and 7-Up is poured, and long, arbitrary street scenes with jump cuts are provided. Plus an outraged citizen's face and the couple on the field. And a girl in a rowboat. Wait, that was at the beginning. Anyway, they all make out.

We're talking a near-constant parade of the same four sets of breasts: one large and starting to droop a bit; one large and defying gravity for the moment; one medium firm; one small and droopy, an unfortunate combination. Rear end assessment is more speculative — the production is quite profoundly mammarial.

Breast set number one

And then the girls take their shirts off and everybody makes out.

At 62 minutes, just bearable. Two coils, for the amount of nudity and sheer incomprehensibility.

NFL 2011 week 13

I did pick Seattle over Philly last night, plus I think an even 3, but I forgot to post it.

Since nobody reads this it doesn't matter.

Sunday morning...

New York-New England regional:

GB -7 at NYG: The dog-ass Giants might make the playoffs but they are not going to derail the Packers. Not now, not ever.

NYJ-3 at Was: Have to take the dog-ass Jets in this spot, as it is do-or-die for them. In fact, every game is that way now for Fat Rex and the gang.

Ind +20 at NE: No I don't think the Colts will win. I don't think they will be competitive. But I know the Pats have an inconsistent defense which could allow a touchdown or two. And I don't think the league nor the coaches would be happy if New England won by 49 points, which is possible.

Ten +1.5 at Buf: The Bills folded faster than Superman on laundry day.

Around the league, in descending order of interest:

Oak+3 at Mia

Cin +6.5 at Pit: Bengals are 5-0 vs. spread on the road

Den +1.5 at Min: For all the criticism of Tebow, he's got the Broncos on the winning side of things.

Bal -6.5 at Cle

StL +13 at SF: Unlikely Rams win this but price is too high to take favorite

AZ +4.5 vs. Dal: Cowboys tend to win by a nose, and this spread is a nose and a nose hair.

NO -9 vs. Det: Lions are the Bills of the NFC. Pfui.

Atl -3 at Hou: Texans adopt single wing for today's contest.

TB -3 vs. Car

Jax +3 vs. SD (Monday night)

NFL 2011 week twelve

Tuesday morning QB: We have achieved .500. 9-6 for Week 12, 73-73-3 overall.

Thursday morning in haste:

7-6-1 last week, picked up a game in the win column (64-67-3).

Thursday games:

Green Bay -6 at Detroit: I don't mind taking the Packers at this price, it's those double-digit doozies I have trouble with. Last score probably wins this one anyway.

Dallas -7 vs. Miami: Let's not get excited, Dolphins fans. They don't stink as bad as you thought, but they're still pretty aromatic.

SF + 3.5 at Baltimore: Ravens are streaky, Niners have been very consistent.

Sunday morning...

Well that went well.

NYJ -8 vs. Buf: The wind certainly seems to have gone out of the Bills' sails. I'd be happier about this at -6.5, but will give Gang Green one more chance.

NE -4 at Phi: Another dangerous spread, as Pats love to fuss around until the last second and then kick a field goal to win. Which won't help at -4. Oh well. Can't take the Eagles.

NO -7 vs. NYG: I think the Saints will kick it up a notch or two here and start playing with an eye on the NFC title game vs. Green Bay. Giants are very iffy lately.

Elsewhere:

Den + 6.5 at SD: Hey, why not? Chargers are floundering and Broncos' star is on the rise. So what if the kid can't pass? He's getting it done somehow, which is more than San Diego can say.

Oak -4.5 vs. Chi: I like the new-look Raiders more than I like the Cutler-less bears.

KC +10 vs. Pit: Chiefs showed enough life to take them as home underdog with big spread. And don't forget El Creepo's busted thumb.

Who Cares Dept.

StL -3 vs. Az

Cin - 7.5 vs. Cle

Hou -3 at jax

Car -3.5 at Ind

TB +3 at Ten

Atl - 9.5 vs. Min

Sea -4 vs. Was

NFL 2011 week eleven

I just realized there's a Thursday night game.

Went 8-8 last week, so treading water.

Tonight, the dog-ass Jets are in Denver to face the dog-ass Broncos, who are a six-point home underdog-ass.

This is an impossible game to handicap, so I will take the Broncos and the six.

Sunday morning: And I was right about the above-mentioned dog-asses.

Last week a mediocre 8-8 kept me treading water but still four games off the pace at 57-61-2. Good thing I only bet kitchen matches. (Three games out with Denver win, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.)

NY Giants - 4 vs. Philadelphia: When the Giants win they do so by 3 or 4 points. I am gambling they will be just a little bit better, and the Eagles will be just a little bit worse.

Atl -6 vs. Ten

Buf +2 at MIA: Dallas game was a rough one for Bills. I think they bounce back big against hapless Dolphins.

Cin +7 at Bal: Bengals have best record vs. spread in AFC (7-2)

Jax +1 at Cle: Browns have worst record vs. spread in entire league (1-7-1)

Oak -1 at Min: I do not believe. At all.

Det -7 vs. Car: Lions need to turn it back on, starting now.

GB -14 vs. TB: I hate double-digit NFL spreads but Packers are in a different galaxy than most of the rest of the league, including the Bucs.

Dal -7.5 at Was: Cowboys made a pretty good Bills team look stupid. Skins are stupid.

StL -2 vs. Sea

SF -9.5 vs. Az

Chi - 3.5 vs. SD: I've had it with the Chargers (2-7 vs. spread).

Monday night: I hate this, but New England -15 vs. KC. Chiefs have new QB and when they lose they lose big. Pats can solidify hold on division here.

Stoned Cold Tedious

A lot of this.

And this.

And this, which was marginally more interesting.

"Stoned," Stephen Woolley's bio-pic of Brian Jones of The Rolling Stones, was worth the buck I paid for it at the Douglas Library in North Canaan, Conn. I'm not sure it is worth the space to keep it on the shelf, though, and I'm not going to watch it again to find out.

Maybe to avoid lawsuits, the film treats the other Stones as bit players, which leaves Jones, flunky and villain Frank Thorogood, some other guy as the manager and a bunch of girls, in various states of undress.

Despite the abundant nekkidity, the film is curiously sterile. It's tedious. It's boring.

Maybe that's because addicts are, ultimately, boring.

One coil, for the 18 breasts.