NFL 2011 week three

Tuesday morning QB: So much for that approach. I got crushed at 5-11 (10-27-1). My friend Kurt says "Other people's football picks bore the crap out of me" and I am coming around to his view.

Managed to stay on the plus side of the ledger last week with a 8-7-1 performance (14-16-1 overall). I was spectacularly wrong about the two New York teams.

The NYC tabloids, the Post and the Daily News, both have extensive football betting analysis and squads of alleged experts who pick the games against the spread. It is heartening to note that most of these professional prognosticators suck at it too.

Someone named Ebenezer Samuel, of the Daily News, has the best record so far, at 17-12-3. I am bravely hitching my wagon to Eb's this week, mostly out of laziness. Boredom is a factor as well; the pro game seems more static than ever, and I am truly fed up with the hype. I don't think the hoo-hah is any worse this year, I'm just less tolerant.

Anyway, I am sick to death of watching somebody make a routine tackle and commence to prance. When I am elected Dictator prancing will be a capital crime.

Eb and I believe the Eagles will prevail by 7 1/2 over the Giants in Philly.

We also like:

The Jets to cover the 3 1/2 in Oakland — actually, Eb likes the Raiders, so we diverge, but we contain multitudes.

Bengals - 2.5 vs. SF

Pats -8 at Buffalo

Houston +4 at NO

Miami + 2.5 at Cleveland

Ten - 6.5 vs. Denver

Detroit - 3.5 at Vikings

Carolina - 3.5 vs. Jax

SD - 14.5 vs. KC

Bal - 3.5 at StL

Atl +2 at TB

Arizona - 3.5 at Seattle

GB - 3.5 at Chicago

Pitt - 10 at Indy

Wash + 5.5 at Dallas

NFL 2011 week two

It was 6-9 vs. the spread last week (didn't pick the Saints-Packers game). That's a nice mediocre start.

NY Post line from Saturday, Sept. 17:

Picks in bold

NYJ -9 vs. Jax: Jax can run, keep this closer than 9

NO -7 vs. Chi

Det -8 vs. KC

Buf -3 vs. Oak

Was -4 vs. Az

Bal -6 at Ten

Pit -14 vs. Sea: Steelers bounce back against weak opponent

GB -10 at Car

Min -3 vs. TB

Cle -2 at Ind: Colts really are a one-man band

Dal -3 at SF: Take home dog for laughs and atavistic Cowboy hatred

Hou -3 at Mia

NE -7 vs. SD

Den -4 vs. Cin

Phi -2 at Atl

NYG -6 vs. StL: I think this is a long year for Giants fans

NFL 2011 week one

Oh, what the hell, let's take a stab at it again. Skipped the Green Bay -New Orleans opener; these picks have zero analysis behind them.

Picks in bold

At Baltimore -1 Pittsburgh

At Tampa Bay -1.5 Detroit

Atlanta -1 At Chicago

At Kansas City -3.5 Buffalo

At Houston -9 Indianapolis

Philadelphia -4 At St. Louis

At Cleveland -6.5 Cincinnati

Tennessee -1 At Jacksonville

NY Giants -2 At Washington

At Arizona -6.5 Carolina

At San Francisco -6 Seattle

At San Diego -9 Minnesota

At NY Jets -6 Dallas

New England -7 At Miami

At Denver -3 Oakland

Score: 6-9 vs. spread

McBain on the Silver Screen

Carelli and Teddy signing, sort of.

Vincent Gardenia, somewhat wilted

It was hot in the city, and air conditioning hadn't been invented yet. Or something.

Yes, that's Jerry Orbach

I've been on my semi-annual Ed McBain tear, especially the 87th Precinct novels, without which there would be no "Law and order."

Speaking of "Law and Order," the 1958 version of "Cop Hater" features an impossibly young Jerry Orbach as a street punk, head of a gang — er, social club called "The Grovers." You can tell the members from the general population by their tight tees that say "Grovers" on them. Also the pomade.

Vincent Gardenia, who used to pop up in 70s situation comedies like "All in the Family," is also on tap as alcoholic informer Danny the Gimp.

The film dispenses with the fictional "Isola" but doesn't exactly name the city, either. And for some reason they thought it wise to make Detective Steve Carella into a Carelli.

It's a fast flick, and a little sneaky in that the opening sequence makes it unclear if we're looking at a cop or a cop hater.

It's also pretty raunchy for the time — lots of semi-clad female pulchritude, in towels and underwear.

Surprisingly straightforward treatment of the Teddy Franklin character, Carelli's deaf/mute girlfriend.

Very bang bang. Anticipates the "CSI" shows by, oh, 50 years. Excellent noir direction. No wasted razzmatazz. A thoroughly solid B movie, often overlooked and not all that easy to find (got my DVD from a third party Amazon seller).

Four coils.

Dragnet '67 — The Triumph of the Square

It was 3:15 p.m. and I'd stopped in at the library. On a table were DVDs and a sign — "All DVDs and CDs $1."

I grabbed some spaghetti westerns, some Italian mob flicks — and a box set of "Dragnet 1967."

The first episode, about LSD, was a real historical artifact. Sgt. Friday and Officer Gannon couldn't arrest this kid "Blue Boy" because LSD wasn't illegal — yet.

So when they found him with his face painted half blue, half yellow, with his head in an anthill, all they could do was take him home to his unappreciative parents.

Some months later they get some action from the legislature, and they go after Blue Boy. Alas, he's gone on The Last Trip.

That's just the beginning...

SEE! Jack Webb's curious gait, in which he walks without moving his UPPER BODY!

THRILL! To Harry Morgan's high roll three-button sack suit — with TWIN VENTS!

GASP! At the tripster with his head stuck — in an ACTUAL ANTHILL!

WONDER! At Sgt. Friday wearing the same grey jacket for weeks on end — even to a NEO-NAZI'S SECRET LAIR!

This is tremendous stuff. Robbers who only hold up candy stores, a rich lady who tries to defraud the insurance company when her "imperial jade" is stolen, criminals in sports jackets.

Four unabashed coils.

Cigars Must Go. Keep Saying That.

I like cigars.

Scratch that.

I love cigars — the way they smell and taste. I like the way they line up in a humidor. I appreciate their value in deterring the insect world.

I'm not a cigar nut, but I don't buy them at the Rite-Aid either.

But over the last decade or so I have developed a 5-10 per day habit, and it's got to stop. It's expensive, unhealthy and disgusting.

Expensive? I spend about $200/month on cigars. That's more than I spend on food.

Unhealthy? My cholesterol's a tad high. The doc put me on a statin, "seeing as how you smoke all those cigars." And I hate this medicine. It makes me very logy.

Disgusting? Exhibit A: My teeth.

Exhibit B: Guy told me he was somewhere and smelled cigar, but didn't see anyone. Then he spotted my car, locked with the windows up.

"Your car smells like cigars," he said.

So here's the plan. No cold turkey like last time. I almost went insane.

Phase One — Get 5-10 per day down to 5-10 per week. Which is still a lot. Clean the car out, and stop smoking in it. This will make cutting down even easier as summer winds down. Who wants to stand outside in the snow for 45 minutes smoking a cigar?

Phase Two — Get it down further, to 5-10 per month. In effect, relaxing once a week with a smoke.

Very ambitious, but realistic. Now excuse me — I'm going to smoke a cigar and think about when to implement this fine plan.

She-Bop a Lulu

The problem with The She Creature (1956) is the creature, frankly.

Look at the dark-haired girl who is being regressed by the evil Dr. Lombardi, back to the primeval ooze.

Now look at the She Creature, which is the eighty bazillion year old version of the same girl.

And now look at them together, and tell me something good about evolution.

So there's this tycoon and he has a daughter who has dumped her drunk fiance and is making a play for the serious Dr. Erickson, played in earnest Eraserhead style by Lance Fuller. Meanwhile Dr. Lombardi (Chester Morris) is regressing the crap out of the beautiful Andrea (Marla English) and causing the She Creature to come out of the ocean and kill people who have nothing to do with anything.

Most of this movie has nothing to do with anything, but it doesn't matter, because once the She Creature gets moving and the body count mounts the flick moves right along.

One too many hypnosis scenes. Galloping pocket squares. Eraserhead hairstyle on Lance. Bulging bodices. Monster breasts, modestly covered with what appear to be scales. Eight bodies. Sinister smoke. Past life regression, with bizarre Cockney commentary.

Idiotic. Mildly amusing. On a two-fer DVD with The Day the World Ended. Two coils.