NFL 2011 week twelve

Tuesday morning QB: We have achieved .500. 9-6 for Week 12, 73-73-3 overall.

Thursday morning in haste:

7-6-1 last week, picked up a game in the win column (64-67-3).

Thursday games:

Green Bay -6 at Detroit: I don't mind taking the Packers at this price, it's those double-digit doozies I have trouble with. Last score probably wins this one anyway.

Dallas -7 vs. Miami: Let's not get excited, Dolphins fans. They don't stink as bad as you thought, but they're still pretty aromatic.

SF + 3.5 at Baltimore: Ravens are streaky, Niners have been very consistent.

Sunday morning...

Well that went well.

NYJ -8 vs. Buf: The wind certainly seems to have gone out of the Bills' sails. I'd be happier about this at -6.5, but will give Gang Green one more chance.

NE -4 at Phi: Another dangerous spread, as Pats love to fuss around until the last second and then kick a field goal to win. Which won't help at -4. Oh well. Can't take the Eagles.

NO -7 vs. NYG: I think the Saints will kick it up a notch or two here and start playing with an eye on the NFC title game vs. Green Bay. Giants are very iffy lately.

Elsewhere:

Den + 6.5 at SD: Hey, why not? Chargers are floundering and Broncos' star is on the rise. So what if the kid can't pass? He's getting it done somehow, which is more than San Diego can say.

Oak -4.5 vs. Chi: I like the new-look Raiders more than I like the Cutler-less bears.

KC +10 vs. Pit: Chiefs showed enough life to take them as home underdog with big spread. And don't forget El Creepo's busted thumb.

Who Cares Dept.

StL -3 vs. Az

Cin - 7.5 vs. Cle

Hou -3 at jax

Car -3.5 at Ind

TB +3 at Ten

Atl - 9.5 vs. Min

Sea -4 vs. Was

NFL 2011 week eleven

I just realized there's a Thursday night game.

Went 8-8 last week, so treading water.

Tonight, the dog-ass Jets are in Denver to face the dog-ass Broncos, who are a six-point home underdog-ass.

This is an impossible game to handicap, so I will take the Broncos and the six.

Sunday morning: And I was right about the above-mentioned dog-asses.

Last week a mediocre 8-8 kept me treading water but still four games off the pace at 57-61-2. Good thing I only bet kitchen matches. (Three games out with Denver win, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.)

NY Giants - 4 vs. Philadelphia: When the Giants win they do so by 3 or 4 points. I am gambling they will be just a little bit better, and the Eagles will be just a little bit worse.

Atl -6 vs. Ten

Buf +2 at MIA: Dallas game was a rough one for Bills. I think they bounce back big against hapless Dolphins.

Cin +7 at Bal: Bengals have best record vs. spread in AFC (7-2)

Jax +1 at Cle: Browns have worst record vs. spread in entire league (1-7-1)

Oak -1 at Min: I do not believe. At all.

Det -7 vs. Car: Lions need to turn it back on, starting now.

GB -14 vs. TB: I hate double-digit NFL spreads but Packers are in a different galaxy than most of the rest of the league, including the Bucs.

Dal -7.5 at Was: Cowboys made a pretty good Bills team look stupid. Skins are stupid.

StL -2 vs. Sea

SF -9.5 vs. Az

Chi - 3.5 vs. SD: I've had it with the Chargers (2-7 vs. spread).

Monday night: I hate this, but New England -15 vs. KC. Chiefs have new QB and when they lose they lose big. Pats can solidify hold on division here.

Stoned Cold Tedious

A lot of this.

And this.

And this, which was marginally more interesting.

"Stoned," Stephen Woolley's bio-pic of Brian Jones of The Rolling Stones, was worth the buck I paid for it at the Douglas Library in North Canaan, Conn. I'm not sure it is worth the space to keep it on the shelf, though, and I'm not going to watch it again to find out.

Maybe to avoid lawsuits, the film treats the other Stones as bit players, which leaves Jones, flunky and villain Frank Thorogood, some other guy as the manager and a bunch of girls, in various states of undress.

Despite the abundant nekkidity, the film is curiously sterile. It's tedious. It's boring.

Maybe that's because addicts are, ultimately, boring.

One coil, for the 18 breasts.

NFL 2011 week ten

Oakland visits San Diego tonight, and it's on the NFL Network. The one I don't get for the same reason I don't get HBO and a lot of other stuff — I can't afford it.

Every so often somebody raises the idea of a la carte pricing for cable television, and it always dies a quick death.

The NFL Network is a particularly egregious bit of marketing — six weeks of Thursday night games, maybe a playoff game or two? And the remainder of the year's programming is what, exactly?

Pfui.

Anyway I think the Raiders can keep this closer than one touchdown, so I like the underdog to get Week Ten started.

Sunday morning...

And I was right. Oakland defeated San Diego 24-17 Thursday night, which means the overall record going into this afternoon is 57-59-2.

The Jets are giving 1.5 to New England tonight and so am I.

And after last week's performance I can't pass up the Giants plus 3.5 at San Francisco.

Elsewhere:

Pit -3 at Cin

KC -3 vs. den

Jax -3 at Indy. I'm fed up taking the Colts on the "they've gotta win sometime" theory.

Buf + 5.5 at Dal: This spread is a mystery to me, but I'll gladly take it.

Hou -3 at TB

Car - 3.5 vs. Ten

Was +4 at Mia

NO even at Atl

Det + 2.5 at Chi

StL + 2.5 at Cle

AZ + 14 at Phi: When does this Dream Team crap end?

Sea + 6.5 vs. Bal

Min +13.5 at GB

Cordially

For my money you can't do any better in the bow tie department than The Cordial Churchman. Andy, the actual cordial churchman, posted a bow tie his wife Ellie made for him. A bunch of us immediately responded "Gimme," and a business was born.

I call these outfits "cottage artisans" — including Kent Wang and Sam Hober. Good stuff, and reasonably priced.

I'm sure I am forgetting someone. Feel free to add your faves.

Nothing against Beau Ties, Maine Bows, et. al. I have plenty of ties from them too.

The Cordial Churchman

Kent Wang

Sam Hober

Jack Palance — Did He Really Need a Paycheck This Bad?

I'm a sucker for these cheapo DVD compilations, especially the ones I pick up at the DouglasLibrary in North Canaan, Conn., for a couple of bucks.

But Allegro's "Mafia Kingpin Collection," at least the first disc, is major fermented curd.

In "Mister Scarface," Jack Palance plays Mister Scarface, so-called because he has a — yep, you guessed it — scar on his personal face.

He gets ripped off by a young punk from a rival gang. Another punk from Mister Scarface's gang helps, as does the local fat middle-aged gay gangster.

This wacky trio takes us on a wild ride in an orange dune buggy around little narrow Italian streets and to an abandoned slaughterhouse and so on.

It is all very exciting and makes a certain amount of sense, which detracts from the overall experience.

There might have been a breast but I don't think so. Some decent badly-dubbed kung fu, though, and the usual overdone sound effects — especially that curious insistence bad filmmakers have on making sure the sound of leather shoes on polished floors is in every scene — even if someone in ballet slippers is tip-toeing across a velvet field that's just been sprayed with silicone.

The cop in blue jeans is greasy and excitingly underexposed

The shoe sound is also a prevalent part of "The Cop in Blue Jeans," in which Jack Palance plays Richard Russo, who is not a semi-famous novelist and does not have a scar on his face. He is chiefly distinguishable from Mister Scarface by the fact he does not use a holder for his cigarettes.

A greasy unwashed detective wants to catch fences, so he goes to a soccer game and shoves a guy's head in the toilet. Then he dons a greasy, multi-colored knit cap and rides a motorcycle around in circles.

There is a sex scene, mercifully truncated and displaying nothing more alarming than the greasy man in his red briefs — which makes this a horror film (although not as horrible as it would have been if the shorts came down).

To make some sort of point, the greasy man is shown in front of a giant poster for "Serpico." He also has a small white rodent named "Serpico."

This film has two excruciating disco scenes, the last featuring the worst exhibition of White Man Dancing since I last took the floor, at Denison University, 1984, doing my thang to Luther "Guitar Jr." Johnson and The Magic Rockers.

It also has recurring soft-core porno music with someone pretending to be Ornette Coleman squonking over it.

And "The Cop in Blue Jeans" makes no sense. I mean none at all. Zero. No plot to get in the way of the story, and no story, either.

It's times like these that make me regret giving up drugs.

Unless you are either intoxicated, bored beyond belief or insane, there is no reason to watch either one of these films — especially not now, since I have done so for you.

One coil, and that's a gift.

NFL 2011 week nine

Now coming to you with a 49-53-2 record.

The marquee game is tonight, Baltimore (plus 3) at Pittsburgh. Much as I dislike the latter and their creep of a quarterback, I think they will win this thing — quite possibly by the above-mentioned field goal.

If the New York Jets are for real, they will find a way to beat the resurgent Buffalo Bills in Buffalo today. That's a big "if." I will take the Jets plus two.

New England giving nine to the New York Giants seems like a wide spread. I don't trust the Patriots when it comes to covering. Take the Giants and the nine.

Elsewhere:

Ind + 7 vs. Atl

NO -8 vs. TB

Cle +11 at Hou

Mia +4 at KC

SF - 3.5 at Was

Sea + 11.5 at Dal

Oak -8 vs. Den

Cin +3 at Ten

AZ - 2.5 vs. StL

GB -5.5 at SD

Pit -3 vs. Bal

Phi - 7.5 vs. Chi

The marquee game

NFL 2011 week eight — Leap of Faith edition

My power went out Saturday evening and didn't come back on until a couple hours ago.

Same story at work, and when we hastily put together our newspaper at another office in New York state today, there were a bunch of us vying for computers and no time for fooling around.

So you will just have to believe me when I state that I went 8-5 on week seven (that you can check) and 11-2 for week eight.

I picked Miami plus 10 because the Giants have a gift for floundering in what should be easy games.

I picked the Rams plus 13.5 because I just don't trust college spreads in the pros. In week seven with the Rams that wasn't the case (Dallas beat them 34-7), but in week eight it was and then some (they beat New Orleans 31-21).

And so on.

With two winning weeks in a row the record is nearing .500 (49-53-2). Believe it or not.