Monday, January 14, 2008

Preserve Our Rural Way of Life, Consarnit!

This item from Terry Cowgill's blog got me thinking about land use, Currier & Ives vs. Satellite and Double-Wide, and an idea I had when first exposed to development discussions in the towns of Sharon and Kent.

My notion was to challenge the folks who throw around the phrase "Our rural way of life" to actually put their money where their mouths are and adopt a group of amendments to the zoning regulations that would, in fact, encourage the rural way of life...

As practiced by actual living rural people, that is.

Some proposed regs:

1. A quarter mill off the homeowner's annual tab for any of the following items left out in the yard, up to ten total units: bed springs, vehicles on blocks, white metal appliances, couches, mysterious pieces of machinery. (Homeowner may petition the authorities to include other items not listed here.)

2. An additional quarter mill if any of the above are used to house chickens.

3. Town-supported historic landmark status for anyone who whittles outside his trailer or sagging porch while wearing a union suit.

4. All property taxes are waived for 10 years for anyone willing to legally change his or her name to "Skeeter." (Limit of one Skeeter per family, please.)

5. All persons living in designated historic districts shall employ authentic backwoods gibberish in public conversations. Example: "Them racketfrabbin' Red Sox sure did blow the whangdoodle past Aunt Betsey's ratchetjammer, dagnabbit!"

I'm sure those New York City transplants will get into the spirit of the thing. It will make for great cocktail party conversation material, if nothing else. "Did you see my photos of my 18th century Tuscan kitchen cabinets?" "No, but my neighbor Hiram changed his name to Skeeter for tax purposes."


The bedsprings are tucked away behind the tasteful fence.

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