Narrowly Avoiding the K

Three discs arrived from Netflix last week. It was grim.

First up, "Dracula Rising," a tedious piece of fermented curd starring Christopher Atkins, whom moviegoers of a certain age will remember from his pond work with Brooke Shields in "The Blue Lagoon," a film that elicited howls of laughter at college.

No such luck here. This is strictly a fast-forward film. Way too much plot getting in the way of the story. Big 1980s hair on the girl; gratuitous 1980s feathered modified Italian wind tunnel on Chris. Brief moment of aquatic nudity, utterly unredeeming.

Half a coil.

Next, a two-fer from Jess Franco that cements his reputation as the World's Worst Filmmaker. Not that these are films. They are videos — shot on video, edited on video, with a videographer's eye (i.e. amateurish).

Although you'd think something called "Mari-Cookie and the Killer Tarantula in 8 Legs to Love You" would have something going for it.

It doesn't. The flick on the flip side is even worse, and apart from two women with shaved genitals is utterly unremarkable.

No coils. So bad even I couldn't take it.

I was able to scratch out a weak single with the final disc — a Hammer film from the end of that studio's run, "Lust For a Vampire," a re-telling of the Carmilla story. This one has the Karsteins — that darn vampire family with the wild daughter — taking advantage of the fact that some nitwit has opened a girl's finishing school nearby, making a useful addition to the supply of beautiful virgins (although the town has a bunch too).

About an even dozen breasts and the obligatory Hammer scenes inside the village pub. Also the obligatory leaden dialogue and the hero in pants so tight the audience knows which side he dresses on, if you get my drift.

Two coils, mostly for the hootage.

Mari-Cookie and the Killer Tarantula in 8 Legs to Love You