How I Escaped From Hell, Only to Watch This Turkey

Tuesdays are rough in the weekly newspaper business. They usually involve writing a story or two from the previous evening — two and a half hours' worth of deep thoughts on wastewater treatment and the economic potential of Spandex-clad bicyclists this time — and proofreading, arguments about words, incessant food-related questions from Ye Editor, thinking up stories for next week, and an enduring headache.

So it was with considerable relief that I realized that not only did I not have any Tuesday night things to cover, but I had six Bimbos Behind Bars flicks to watch, courtesy of Amazon.

Unhappily, I started with "Femmine Infernali" (aka "Escape from Hell"), a piece of rancid Italian cheese from 1980.

The first clue that this was going to suck was the quality of the print. I think they set up a 16mm camera and sync sound recorder and filmed the screening of a 16mm print of the movie. Kind of like the guys who sneak little video recorders into theaters now and then sell the result as bootleg DVDs. At least the movie guys used a tripod.

But this sucker could have been pristine and it would still be awful, even though it has all the elements of a BBB movie — the shower scene, the lesbitation, the mud fight, the sadistic guards, the sadistic warden, the sadistic lesbitatious German female guardette.

And it adds some exciting new twists, such as de facto crucifixion, flogging while strapped to log, and burial up to the neck while the python approaches.

Or was it a boa constrictor?

The drunken doctor in the camp is the good guy. He gets his head out of the J & B bottle long enough to have sex with one of the gals, and lead them out on a mostly doomed escape bid.

Everybody else who isn't a prisoner are the bad guys, including the tubby little warden, who is germaphobic — not helpful when running a ladies' prison camp in the jungle.

We're talking a couple of dozen breasts, and lots of groping of the female areas. Also slobbering. Exceptionally bad overdubbing, which combined with extraordinarily poor sound quality, make it impossible to follow the dialogue. (Extra half coil for this.)

What makes this particular piece of schlock stink, as opposed to your "Caged Heat" or "The Big Doll House"?

The pace is turgid, the exploitation scenes are by the numbers, and while I am generally against plot getting in the way of the story, there has to be some reason for these gals to be out in the jungle digging holes and filling them back up.

One and a half coils, in gratitude for not being able to make out the words.