Style Report 11-15-07

Just because I feel like govno is no reason not to maintain some semblance of style while waiting for the next explosion.

Here, then, is my first post in what I expect to be a series of incredibly irritating, narcissistic ramblings:

(In the manner of Mad magazine, ca. 1970)

See the man.
The man is not feeling well.
Everything he eats comes back out in a hurry.
Every trip to the little room on the man's right is an adventure.
The man feels like he is on a TV game show.
Will it be Door Number One, or Door Number Two?
It is just like a TV game show, except there is no prize.
The man, though unwell, still finds time to make this post.
The man is sick - in more ways than he realizes.

New heavy-duty Irish wool cardigan from eBay, and eBayed Allen Edmonds "Lawrence" loafers ( a discontinued model) that have zoomed to the top of my personal charts for fit. Also an old Orvis tattersall shirt and knockaround cords from Sierra Trading Post.

Note how this is really just a way of getting all these brand names and links into a post in the undoubtedly futile hope that one day this dopey blog thing will actually generate some cash.

Read This Blog (part one)

In an effort to join the blogging community - which is a little like showing up for Dorks Anonymous - I will plug various sites I come across, such as this one by my friend Kurt in Portland, Ore.

Kurt is a man of many talents, such as turning himself into a credible Yoda with the aid of a little strategically arranged shampoo.

He also knows more about bad movies than almost anybody alive.

So read his Ziggurat thing already.

Notes On the Bachelor Life: Cleaning In a Big Hurry

(A continuing narrative)



At times things happen that goad even the most complacent gent into action, and one of them is the Family Visit.

The Family Visit means that all the ordinary assumptions of the Bachelor Life are off.

It means, for instance, that the odd crusty stuff in the corner cannot wait until one remembers to buy floor soap. It means the excellent project of not washing any shirts until one has worn at least half the collection cannot continue. It means the pile of stuff destined for either eBay or the thrift shop is going to the latter, and right away.

It means the stranger exploitation films in the DVD collection have to be squirreled away in the "special box;" the pile of old newspapers that might have something worth saving must go; and there's a lengthy, smelly date with the can redemption machines at the Super-Duper Stop & Shop in the very near future.

But let us begin with dust. (See also: dirt, grit, flying particulate matter, cigar butts, choda.) It is absolutely astonishing how much dust there is in the average apartment, and when the inhabitant is a fresh air fiend, stuff just blows in the windows, gets caught up in the fan, and lands everywhere.

I am also slowly becoming aware of this fine true fact: regular applications of a dust mop or similar device mean less onerous (and much less dramatic) dust adventures.

In other words, I really should try and give the place a swipe more often than say, oh, once a year.

At the Super-Duper Stop & Shop, a cavernous place filled with confusing signs and kept at a sub-Arctic temperature, so one is in constant danger of being run down by the cart of a chilly nomad looking in vain for frozen peas, I meant to buy one of these Swiffer mop things, which look so easy and convenient on television. "Just Swiff in a Jiff and Light a Spliff!"

But they flip the meter on a Swiffer at 30 bucks, and I must call bush on a $30 disposable mop. So I went with the traditional,Libman model, at $12, with the washable replaceable head. "Kinda like my own," I thought as I shoved it in the cart, narrowly missing a stout lady with two screaming infants in tow heading for the Starch 'n' Ritalin aisle.

*****

Here are some exciting photos of Phase I - The Living Room:

The author discovers that large amounts of dust tend to clump, and these clumps are difficult to dislodge from the mop without the clumps returning to their original state of inchoate dustitude. It is best to go outside and shake the entire apparatus. Vigorously.

A background in pool halls is an aid to successful dusting with the Libman swivel dust mop.

Those unaccustomed to dusting find themselves in awkward positions.



The Enemy. This came out of one bookcase.

Coming soon...

I have been derelict in my posting lately, mostly because I have been under siege at Space Camp, where medical history is being made in the form of a highly communicable mental disorder, Infectious Stupidity.

Every day is an adventure when IS is roaring through the workplace. Those of us who are seemingly immune can only pick up the pieces, mop up the messes and pray for a happier, better time. Selah.

But I have a big essay in the works on The Avengers, and I wrote some notes on a few genuinely weird films noir I dug up from the vaults. Please stay tuned.

And for crying out loud start clicking on the little ad on the right hand side, even if you have zero interest in the pitch. If enough of you keep clicking, and get your pals to start clicking, then eventually Google will send me a check and I can be on my way to an independent life, free of the bondage of wage slavery and the peril of Infectious Stupidity.

(Click, damn you! Click!)

NFL '07 - Week Ten and the Road to Respectability

Last week saw the picks come in on the winning side yet again (8-6) and if the Indianapolis Colts hadn't collapsed like a cardboard valise...

But these things happen, which is why they call it gambling. Selah.

The season record stands at 56-68-7 vs. the spread, and here we go with the tenth week of the interminable NFL season:

Dal -1 at NYG: Low line more indicative of respect for the Parcells Theory of Existence ("You are what your record says you are") than for reality on the ground, which is that Cowboys are a notch up from the Giants.

KC -3 vs. Den: Broncos 1-7 against the spread and have no defense. This should be enough even for Chiefs coach Herman "What Time Did You Say It Was?!" Edwards, who is especially adept at snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.

Car -4 vs. Atl: One school of thought says that since the Falcons have already won more games than expected, why not another? A second says that if any of the hype was true then the Panthers should start making their move, and what better place to start than by mopping up a bottom-rung club? I'm going with the latter.

Cle +9 1/2 at Pit: Not for a minute to I expect the browns to win this game, but I do think they will keep it well within this line.

Buf -3 at Mia: It was with considerable amusement that I read of the Dolphins tandem of QB Lemon to TE Peelle.

NO - 11 1/2 vs. StL: Is this a trap game, or The Rams to the Slaughter? If the Saints are going to make a run after their lousy start, the time is now, and who better than the hopeless Lambs to be the victims.

Some other wild guesses:

Ten -4 vs. Jax

GB -6 vs. Min

Cin +4 at Bal

Det +1 at AZ

Phi +3 at Was

SD + 3 1/2 vs. Ind

Oak + 3 1/2 vs. Chi

Sea -10 vs. SF

ANNOYING COMMERCIAL DEPT.

Regular American men who find themselves in Charlottesville, Va. should drop by Eljo's, the great Trad haberdashery that has outfitted both Wahoo and yahoo for umpty-ump years.

I recently ordered a Gitman shirt - white point collar with French cuffs, for those rare occasions I need such a garment. (The last time I dug out the incumbent I noticed the collar was coming off and as it was a thrift shop special, I felt replacing it with a new shirt was not an extravagance.)

Mr. Trent Thurston emailed me to confirm and added he had a couple of pairs of Bill's Khakis in my size that were slightly irregular or something, and offered me both, cuffed and shipped, for $50 each - 50 percent off retail. And of course I said sure.

I mention this because it's this level of service and the personal touch - not to mention the good memory - that has allowed Eljo's to prosper while men's shops fold by the dozen.

And even if you can't get to C-ville and get yourself measured for a Southwick sports coat, you can certainly stock up by long distance on staples like oxford cloth buttondowns.

Eljo's - check it out, y'hear?

NFL '07: The Week Nine Conundrum (By Robert Ludlum)

Very quietly I will state that with last week’s 7-6 the season record crept a little closer to the .500 mark at 47-62-7. This has been accomplished without a lot of smarty-pants remarks about the Bengals having their own police blotter in the paper, or players who get suspended because they didn’t realize cocaine isn’t a steroid, etc.

So shhh, here are the picks:

Was - 3.5 at NYJ

KC -2.5 vs. GB

TB -3.5 vs. AZ

Ten -4 vs. Car

Atl -3 vs. SF

NO -3.5 vs. Jax

Det -3 vs. Den

Buf +1 vs. Cin

SD -7 at Min

Cle -1 vs. Sea

Ind +6 vs. NE

Oak -3 vs. Hou

Phi +3 vs. Dal

Bal +9 at Pit (Monday night)

Shameless Commercial Dept.

Why fool around with the department store dreck this holiday season when you can get yourself or your loved one outfitted in classic style at Brooks Brothers?

For slightly less than the cost of a decent used car ol' Fred or Barney can look like a million bucks in a suit from the Bros. Well, maybe that's pushing it, but the BB silhouette, whether in an updated, darted version or the classic sack cut, is good for the bulky American type who does not spend his every spare waking hour in the gym.

I'll put in a plug for the Brooks Brothers non-iron shirt, too. Most of their RTW shirtings are in this Teflon-coated fabric, a development purists regard with scorn and contempt.

And I wouldn't buy one in the buttondown collar configuration. BDs are supposed to look frumpy.

But in other, dressier collar styles the Brooks non-iron solids are hard to beat. I have half a dozen in white and blue; they can be shoved in a suitcase and shaken out; they stay reasonably fresh-looking all day, and if you follow the laundering directions and don't leave them in the dryer for a long time on maximum heat they come out of same ready to go.

So don't waste your time and heard-earned shekels pawing through over-priced crap at the department stores. (You might as well scour Marshall's or TJ Maxx for an actual bargain.) Go to your local Brooks Brothers store and do it right - and if you buy a suit or jacket for someone else, make sure the recipient takes it in to be altered, and make sure the jacket sleeves are tweaked to show half an inch or so of shirt cuff. This modest maneuver will instantly mark the wearer as a cut above 98 percent of American men.

Also don't buy their socks. They stink.

NFL '07 - The League Goes To London; Or Whose Bright Idea Was This?

The New York Giants and the Miami Dolphins are playing today at Wembley Stadium in London, England. The Giants are 5-2 and the Dolphins are 0-7. Will anybody care?

Who thinks these things up, anyway? Did they pick New York and Miami because those are the two most likely U.S. airports for British travelers?

The Giants are having a decent year but Miami's a disaster. Couldn't the league put everybody on notice that someone's going to go to London in Week Eight and then send that week's best matchup?

Oh, but this is just part of the TV show that is the NFL. I forgot. The main thing is to show huge football players wandering around London and listening quizzically to authentic Cockney, as spoken by someone originally from Pakistan. That's a'right, innit?

Last week's quiet 8-6 narrowed the deficit a bit to 40-56-7.

NYG - 9.5 vs. Mia at London

Buf +3 at NYJ

Cle -3 at StL

Chi -5 vs. Det

Ind - 6.5 at Car (note: Indy defense has only allowed 95 points over six games - an average of 15.8)

Ten - 7.5 vs. Oak

Phi -1 at Min

Pit - 3.5 at Cin

Hou +9 at SD

TB -3.5 vs. Jax
NO -2.5 at SF

Was + 16.5 at NE (note: Here's where the Pats break down a bit. 'Skins have allowed 88 points - an average of 14.6 per game. )

GB +3 at Den (Monday night)