Friday, May 9, 2008

The Cinema - Helmet-Haired Hero Fails to Foil Phantasm Fiends

The Tall Man glaring at Reggie, who insists on wearing a pre-tied bow.

(1977) begins bootaciously, with bared bobbing boobs and grunting, gasping graveyard gropes.

Then the demonic dame stabs the prone putz, for no apparent reason, and we cut abruptly to somebody's funeral, where Jody, who has authentic late 70s helmet hair, is talking with Reggie, who doesn't.

Usually I like a film that makes no sense, but this turkey acts like it does, and this is confusing. Even CACA has rules.

So the upshot is this: The Tall Man (played by the immortal Angus Scrimm) runs a funeral home which is a front for a supernatural outfit that is taking the recently deceased, turning them into little malevolent dwarves in capes, and shipping them through a portal to be slaves in a world with eternal cold and crushing gravity.

Yes, the doomed are heading off into the America of President Barack Obama.

We have: Car chases; six breasts; yellow blood; flying orb thing that drills through some guy's head; absolutely no story to interfere with the plot; terrific hair continuity problems; relentlessly horrible theme music that is the same as "Tubular Bells" from
The Exorcist except the phrase goes up, not down.

This gets a "Ffffffft" from Fast-Forward Freddy, and a lone coil from me.

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