Sunday, November 18, 2007

The Cinema - Instant Caca


Every so often a film comes along that is so transcendently cheese-ridden it vaults over lesser rivals and achieves instant all-time CACA Award status. Die You Zombie Bastards (2005) is such a film.

The hero, Red Toole, is a cannibal who, along with his wife Violet, eats hippies. When she is kidnapped by Baron Nefarious, who has a lab on Hell Island from which he plans to use his Zombotron to turn all humanity into his personal zombie army, Red must act.

He embarks on a quest which takes him to Pittsburgh, Sweden, and other exotic locales.

Along the way he encounters a fat old rockabilly singer, Super Inga the Nippleless Swedish Barmaid, the horrifying legend of Bermudan monster Coconut Head Face Man, Ninjas, Angry Dog Men, lovely topless Swedish farmgirls, and other perils typical of life as a super hero in the post-9/11 world.

And zombies - green, completely unconvincing zombies.

The movie careens along, bouncing from non-sequitur to absurdity like me trying to find the bathroom at 3 a.m. on any night between 1989 and New Year's Eve, 2000.

Unlike most films of this ilk (i.e. cheap), it is mostly shot on film, so it doesn't have the videotaped look.

DYZB is so stupid, in fact, that all I can do is mention the approximately 36 breasts; the nekkid fish scientists; the repeated and highly unsubtle penis imagery; the Jamaican guy in the bathtub; Pittsburgh; and Hasil Adkins, the rockabilly singer.

If you're a moron, this is your flick. Four honest-to-God coils.


No comments: