Sunday, November 18, 2007

The Cinema - That Old "Black Magic" Is Horrible and Features Rice Sex


In Black Magic (1975), Xu Nuo, a cool, hip construction worker, is the not-so-obscure object of the evil, sneaky and skanky widow Luo Yin's desire.

Matter of fact, Luo Yin, who looks like a barracuda with a squint, is so darn horny she has to go hire the evil sorcerer who lives in the nasty forest, second hut on the right, past the snake pit and the rotting corpses, to cook up a love potion.

And as we find out, his love potions aren't all that different from his death potions.

This wizard guy has some terrific moves, and induces not just Luo Yin but some other lovelorn lady to part with some breast milk, in two separate scenes.

So if that's your bag, this is your flick.

The sorcerer also uses ordinary cooked rice as a sort of sex toy. Really.

So Xu Nuo is completely under the spell, but the greedy wizard keeps coming back for more money. Plus there's this other doofus who has a major thing for the widow, and while she's trying to dose Xu Nuo, the doofus, who's also been to see the wizard, doses her. They make the Sign of the Little Cardboard Container With the Metal Handle all night long, but when she wakes up the spell has worn off and it's Sayonara City for the doofus.

There's a whole lot of plot that gets nowhere until finally Xu Nuo's fiancee, Quming (played by the redundantly-named Li-Li Li) hires the Good Wizard, who looks like Wilfred Brimley with a squint.

This wizard rustles up a protective beam from heaven and presto! No more evil warlock.

This piece of chop socky is sadly lacking in kung fu, but hooters abound, and the bit with the rice was worth the $2 rental fee. The soundtrack sounds like it was recorded on a cassette player in a bathroom, and the entire mess is filmed in what the producers, the notorious Shaw Brothers, grandly call "Shaw Scope" - a narrow band of mise-en-scene that translates into roughly one-third the usable screen of a standard television.

Summary: Lactation (twice). Creative use of grains. Snakes. Gratuitous swinging cats in leisure suits. Gratuitous swinging chicks in bell bottoms and scarves. Subtitles don't match dubbed dialog. One dissolving wizard. One Beam of Protection. One Chinese Wilfred Brimley. Appalling. Utterly worthless. Three coils.

1 comment:

Kurt F. Weist said...

The notion of an Asian Brimley made me pee my pants. And for fans of idiotic tv commercials out there: "Ahhhh, Quakel Orts. Eets ze light sing to doooooo." Did ol' Wilfred (Wilford?) choke to death on his lumpy oaten flakes, or was that Ewell (sp?) Gibbons with his Grape Nuts? And do these countrified flax hawkers ever have simple names? Jeez.

-Kurt in CACA