Getting a Grip on the Dems

I find this tiresome Democratic primary difficult to handicap. There are too many variables to consider, and more appear every time these candidates open their mouths.

For professional pols, Sens. Clinton and Obama sure are clumsy. When not making ill-considered remarks about infants or inventing tales of derring-do, they are committing public, televised acts of bad bowling and, in the case of Mrs. Clinton, baring her teeth in a rictus-like grimace masquerading as a smile.

And they keep doing The Shuffle - clarifying, selectively denying, and otherwise dancing around whatever damn fool thing escaped from their wide open yaps that particular day.

They make Sen. John McCain, no mean Shuffler himself, look like a combination of the genes of Lincoln, Reagan and Aunt Bee from the "Andy Griffith Show" - visionary, principled, and possessed of good common sense and a sturdy rolling pin.

We are, however, professionals, and at some point money must change hands. So:

• Obama wins popular vote, regular delegates, nominated on first ballot: 2-1
• Obama wins as above but gets the shaft as super-delegates bolt to Clinton: 3-1
• Same scenario as number two, but entire thing gets hopelessly bogged down in big fight about the rules, which nobody understands: 7-2
• Big fight about rules drags on for four days, at which point Al Gore, dressed as an earth-toned Peter Pan, is lowered on to the stage from a crane to save the day. Howard Dean plays Tinker Bell: 9-2.