Saturday, December 21, 2013

NFL 2013 week 16

Last week got back into a bit of a groove, going two for three (and the Jets game was the dreaded half point)

So down $500 and looking to come out on the plus side of the ledger with six picks:

Miami -2.5 at Buffalo

Kansas City -6.5 vs. Indianapolis

Seattle -9.5 vs. Arizona

Detroit -9.5 vs. NY Giants

Cleveland -1 at NY Jets

New England + 2 at Baltimore

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

You Bet Your Zombie Ass

Noburo Iguchi's Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead is not, strictly speaking, about toilets. There is an outhouse in the film, and it has dead people in it, but it's really incidental to the plot, which almost never gets in the way of the story.

Arisa Nakamura plays Megumi, a nice Japanese schoolgirl who knows some kung fu and is heartbroken over the suicide of her sister. She's with two girls and a dorky guy, plus a skeezy weirdo, and they are going camping, in the best, time-honored, "Stupid People in the Woods" manner.

One of the gals wants to eat a parasitic worm so she can be skinny and become a model. They find a worm in a trout which Megumi catches with a net.

Now here's where we have some problems. First of all, are there trout in Japan? Second — do they have big worms in them? Third, is it bcause they are wormy that they hang in space, waiting for a kung fu net-twirling Japanese kid to show up and catch them? Fourth — ever hear of cat and release?

I realized at this point in the film that the ol' suspension of disbelief was going to come in handy.

Anyhoo, as you might guess, there are zombies around, and in trying to get away from them the gang find a little village.

Ko (played by Yuki, or maybe it's the other way around), is feeling a little under the weather on account of the worm she ate, and she starts farting.

 She poots her way to the outhouse, where, as is often the case in these isolated locations with a mad scientist in  the barn and tapeworms in the trout, there are also zombies in — or under — the outhouse. 

Iguchi keeps upping the ante, to the point where the film is utterly disgusting in every possible way.

But never tasteless.

We're talking the usual exploding heads and popping eyes. Visible farts. Visible farts with demons in them. Zombies walking on all fours, backwards, with demon parasites sticking out of their butts. White panties. Flying parasite queen, in blue sun dress and flowered panties. Two breasts. Eight gallons blood; four gallons assorted glop. One mad scientist, one toothless goober, one skeezy drug addict, one flying trout.

An outstanding piece of work, and short, too.  Iguchi is an instant Immortal. Four coils, no doubt about it.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

NFL week 15 and The Human Tornado

I'm not sure where I am, down some fairly substantial figure. I sat last week out, mostly because I forgot.

Seattle minus 6.5 at New York Giants. The Giants are horrible. They are. Face it. And Seattle's anything but.

Miami plus 3 at New England. I don't think the Pats will lose this game. I do think they will wait until the last second and win it by a point or two. If there was a way to win by one-tenth of a point Belichek would find it.

Carolina minus 10.5 vs. New York Jets. The Jets are horrible. Face it. They are. And Carolina's not perfect, but they are a damn sight better than the Jets.

This is great — picking against all three local teams.

Meanwhile, watch this clip from "The Human Tornado" and tell me the kung fu celebration at about 24 seconds in isn't the greatest of all time. Make a good end zone dance, come to think of it.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Zombitatious Ta-Tas

"Erotic (or Sexy) Nights of the Living Dead" (1980) is a zombie porno flick that dithers between being a zombie exploitation flick with some decent nekkidity and being a flat-out hardcore porno flick with some decent zombitation.

I think the jury's out.

Erotic...sort of

It's a slightly alarming flick, because the guy who gets the most action, John Wilson, played by Mark Shannon, looks like Keith Hernandez, the Mets first basemen in 1986.

There's a scene with two gals and Keith, er, mark, or John, or whatever, that is pornographic in every sense of the term.

And there are a couple more that get close.

Keith Hernandez, working toward erotic

Laura Gemser, star of innumerable Emanuelle with one"m" flicks, is the star of this, and gets nekkid, but not pornographically.

Just sleazily.

I think this scene would have been more erotic if Larry took his pants off

The plot is about Stupid White People who want to put a hotel on Cat Island, ignoring the fact that the place is crawling with zombies, plus Laura Gemser and her blind grandfather.

Heads, necks, and a penis roll. The de-penising of Keith Hern— er, John Wilson is quite revolting.


Not erotic at all

Also: Fun in the insane asylum. Aquatic zombies.  Dramatic foreshadowing, leading to a solid if predictable denouement. A lovely mise-en-scene, which is French for long, lingering, and quite explicit shots of nekkid women doing things. With a champagne bottle, in one case. Hunky nekkid men, if you are watching in mixed company.

I give it two coils for not being one or the other.