The Mojo Wire Is Not Your Friend

Part of the exciting life of a reporter is getting all kinds of material from kooks. And in these lax, post-modern times, kooks have a wide variety of methods to choose from to spread their kookery.

There is regular mail. Many kooks prefer this, as their remote dwellings are not wired for modern telecommunications.

There is telephone. Many kooks are unaware of caller ID, which takes the sting out of the anonymous "Deep Throat" sort of call.

Example:
Me: (guardedly) Hello?
Kook: I wanna give ya an anoner — an annonymuh — I wanna tell ya something without my name in it.
Me: Oh, hiya there, Al.
Kook: (spluttering) Click.

There is email. Anti-spam programs generally take care of this, but sometimes something slips through. Kooks like attachments; an email from a whacko will be festooned with them.

And there is the fax, a machine for which I prefer the Hunter S. Thompson name for the old Telex machine — the Mojo Wire.

Kooks like fax machines. I think it's because they know the product comes out on the receiver's end as a semi-legible, greasy affair, similar to the mimeographed copy of "The Protocols of the Elders of Zion" (b/w "Party Down with Henry Ford") that started their kookery in the first place.

Now, by "kooks" I include the following: crackpots, cranks, conspiracy theorists; people who think I am a shill for the right; people who firmly believe I am part of the left-wing conspiracy.

Not to forget these chatty souls: New Age believers of every description; zealots (from Anglicans to Zoroastrians); Twelve Steppers, No-Steppers, and my personal favorite, Missed Steppers.

All of them are convinced my soul is in peril. (Last I checked, it was a little battered, but basically intact and functioning.)

This is but a sampling of the kook world.

And I admit it: I am a connoisseur of kooks. Many's the time I have wriggled out of an unpleasant political discussion by invoking the Reptilian Conspiracy.

So I can't complain when the fax machine starts making that peculiar humming sound that says "Incoming from Uncaged Looney!"

Here is a recent example. These are the first two pages, of seven, plus a closeup of some of the marginalia.

(If you would like a copy of the entire thing, send $3.50 and a SASE to "Save the Kooks," PO Box 1755, Lakeville, CT 06039.)

Working for a newspaper really is a splendid way to make a living.

Page one

Page two

Page two detail

How to be organized

Organization is very important. Without organization, you will be disorganized. And if you are disorganized, no one will pay any attention to you and workmen will be working on the bathroom and everybody will be yelling and the goddamn phone won't stop ringing and you bounce a check to the grocery store and forget to pay the car insurance and...


Step One:

Have a well-organized work space. In this example, everything is piled up in order of importance, with the most important things on the bottom. This practice ensures annoying important things will not disrupt the work day.

Step Two:  Keep important reference materials handy. You never know when a zombie carrying an invasive plant may interrupt your fishing and require a stern talking-to.

Step Three: Follow the Soviets! The USSR was organized like a mamma-tamma. This book spells it all out. It is also very handy if you need to take a power nap.

Step Four: Outta Sight, Outta Mind.  Take everything you don't want to think about, put it in a cardboard box, and shove it under your desk.

Just follow these simple guidelines and you too will be organized!

NFL Playoffs 2014 second round

Split last week, by razor-thin margins in Green Bay and Indy. So the dream of a .500 season is dead. Entering this eight games behind (-$800).

Which won't stop me from picking the next batch of games:

NO +8 at Sea: Big spread for this, despite Saints last miserable game at Seattle.

Ind + 7.5 at NE: Sorry but Pats are terrible point spread team, take points and hang on

Car even vs. SF: At evens take home team

Den - 9.5 vs. SD: This should be a dog

NFL Playoffs — Wild card round

Hahaha. Lost five of the six sure things week 16, which put me back an even $1000 (10 games at $100 each). So demoralized by that I didn't even bother with week 17.

So let's see — there are four playoff games this week, then four next week, that's eight. Two conference championships, that's 10. And the Super Duper, that's 11.

So if I run the table on the playoffs and pick the Super Duper then I come out one game over .500 for the season.

Piece of cake. Let's get started:

Saturday:

Indy -2.5 vs. KC: Chiefs went 9-0 to start, then beat only Redskins and Raiders afterwards. Colts beat Seattle, SF and Denver.

NO + 2.5 at Phila.: Saints have had terrible road games and Philly has hot hand. Nonetheless, playoffs are a different animal. I think Saints rise to challenge and pull off upset.

Sunday:

SD +7 at Cin: I think Bengals probably win this, but Chargers are loose and happy and just glad to be there. Big spread demands take underdog.

Why am I writing this in pidgin English?

GB +2.5 vs. SF: Hard to pass up packers with Rodgers, at home, with points, in the snow.

NFL 2013 week 16

Last week got back into a bit of a groove, going two for three (and the Jets game was the dreaded half point)

So down $500 and looking to come out on the plus side of the ledger with six picks:

Miami -2.5 at Buffalo

Kansas City -6.5 vs. Indianapolis

Seattle -9.5 vs. Arizona

Detroit -9.5 vs. NY Giants

Cleveland -1 at NY Jets

New England + 2 at Baltimore

NFL week 15 and The Human Tornado

I'm not sure where I am, down some fairly substantial figure. I sat last week out, mostly because I forgot.

Seattle minus 6.5 at New York Giants. The Giants are horrible. They are. Face it. And Seattle's anything but.

Miami plus 3 at New England. I don't think the Pats will lose this game. I do think they will wait until the last second and win it by a point or two. If there was a way to win by one-tenth of a point Belichek would find it.

Carolina minus 10.5 vs. New York Jets. The Jets are horrible. Face it. They are. And Carolina's not perfect, but they are a damn sight better than the Jets.

This is great — picking against all three local teams.

Meanwhile, watch this clip from "The Human Tornado" and tell me the kung fu celebration at about 24 seconds in isn't the greatest of all time. Make a good end zone dance, come to think of it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MPu4-rmSjnw

NFL week 13

Down $700 heading into Thanksgiving. Whatever skill I ever had at picking pro football has deserted me. Good thing I am not actually gambling.

Thanksgiving: Oakland plus 9.5 at Dallas.

Sunday: Tennessee plus 4.5 at Indianapolis; New England minus 7.5 at Houston; San Francisco minus 9 vs. St. Louis;  San Diego minus 1 vs. Cincinnati

Monday night:  New Orleans plus 6 at Seattle

NFL week 12 I think

Well last week's three picks didn't go very well (0-3). Stupid referees in that Panthers-Pats game. Gronkowski and the Carolina player looked like they were waltzing.

So let's try it again:

Detroit minus 9.5 vs. Tampa Bay. This should be an easy rebound game for the Lions. Should be.

Jets plus 3 at Baltimore: The Jets alternate winning and losing, and they beat the teams they shouldn't beat. Although this time the two teams seem fairly evenly matched in terms of records and general suckiness.

Carolina -4 at Miami: After watching last week's game against new England I am a believer, in the Carolina defense anyway.

Edit at 10:36 a.m. Sunday: I'm going to add a couple of games.

I'll take Kansas City minus 4.5 vs. San Diego, and the Pats at home plus 2.5 vs. Denver.

Edit: Tuesday 8:12 a.m. — Well that's just dandy. Assuming $100 bets, I lost all three last week and hit one of five this past week. I make that -$700.

NFL 2013 week 11

I wasn't paying much attention to the NFL until the Jets knocked off the Saints. That woke me up a bit.

Looking at the schedule I see a few games that would be worth investing in:

New England (7-2, 1.34) +2.5 at Carolina (6-3, 1.86). Over the last few years I've learned the hard way — if you can get the Pats and the points, take them.

Kansas City (9-0, 1.94) +8 at Denver (8-1, 1.56). I can see being the underdog, but by eight? That's a lot of points to give an undefeated team. I'll take the Chiefs.

Detroit (6-3, 1.10) -2 at Pittsburgh (3-6, .82). Normally I take home 'dogs but every time I've seen the Steelers this year they've looked pretty bad.

We-eee!

Taylor Swift's "We Are Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together" is the strongest contender in years for Most Annoying Song of All Time. (It's fresh in my mind because I heard it twice yesterday, once at the gym and again on the radio.)

Ms. Swift, who might be fairly described as very slightly talented, leads a multi-tracked chant of semi-doggerel over a leaden beat, which culminates in the ultra-irritating refrain of "Wee-ee! Are nev-err ev-err ev-err...getting back togeth-err/ Wee-ee!" etc.

The "nevers" and "evers" are pronounced with an extended "-er," in the same manner as the woman who, upon being confronted on her appalling behavior, replies with the all-purpose post-modern comeback, "whatever" (pronounced "what-EV-err").

Behold the majesty of Taylor Swift and ask yourself: Is this in the same league as Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire?"

Shaggs and Stains

So I finally got around to watching Lou Adler's "Ladies and Gentlemen, the Fabulous Stains," a semi-coherent flick abut three teenage gals who form a punk band and hit it big.

It's mostly interesting because Paul Simonon from The Clash, Steve Jones and Paul Cook from the Sex Pistols,
and Fee Waybill and Vince Welnick from The Tubes play major roles that don't involve much acting.

And you get to see an incredibly young Laura Dern pretending to play the bass.

What I noticed most, though, is when The Stains start to play — a sound which could be kindly described as "rudimentary" — they sounded like...

The Shaggs! A real group of teenage girls with existential questions, who actually made records, and were better than The Beatles, according to Lester Bangs.

Mild nuditity, lots of "wankers" and "tossers," one good song and not much plot. Worth a look if you're interested in — or, God forbid, nostalgic for — 1981. Three coils.

NFL 2011 — Almost Super

Monday morning: Ha. Nailed it.

I've been at .500 for the playoffs so that means with three games remaining if I pick everything right I can finish the season at .500 on the nose.

This is what passes for excitement around here in the winter. The sky darkens at about 3:30 p.m., the people snarl at each other in the checkout line, and the only girls I know are either half my age or have more children than teeth.

NY Giants +2.5 at SF. I like the Giants here because a) they are on a roll and b) I think they are marginally better than the Niners, and an excellent definition of "marginally" is two and a half points.

Baltimore plus 7 at New England. Shredding the Denver defense is not the same as playing the Ravens. Sorry, it isn't. Ray Rice out of the backfield is another offensive kettle of fish as well. Joe Flacco is no Brady. He might not even be a Tebow. But he can hand it off. Pats will win this but by their classic field goal.

NFL 2011 second round

Last week's 2-2 was not helpful. Who knew the Falcons would fold up like that?

Saturday:

It goes against the grain not to pick a home underdog but I think the Saints will cover the 3.5 at SF. Just too much offense.

And in "GQ vs. Jesus," while I respect the resilient Broncos, the fact is just a few weeks ago the Pats put up 41 against them. I don't like the 13.5 spread, because New England has a habit of just squeaking by, but in this case I will concede it.

Sunday:

Baltimore -7.5 vs. Houston: I've thought all season that the Ravens were, pound for pound, the most balanced AFC team. Texans have overachieved to get to this point.

NY Giants + 7.5 at Green Bay: So I like the underdog here — and not the Broncos _ why exactly? Because I think the New York has the ability to do what the Chiefs did to the Packers a few weeks ago and keep this thing closer than this spread.

NFL 2011 wild card round

A lousy regular season, finishing three games under .500. Let's try to make up the difference in the playoffs.

Saturday:

Bengals +3.5 at Texans. Speaking of lousy, Houston's been pretty dubious lately, and Cincinnati's on a bit of a roll.

Saints -10.5 vs. Lions: No way the young Lions get past Mr. All-Universe Drew Brees at the Superdome.

Sunday:

Falcons +3 at Giants: Yes, New York won the division. Barely. I like Atlanta's chances to blow this open with lots of passing.

Broncos +8.5 vs. Steelers. I think Pittsburgh will win this one, but a home underdog with a history of comebacks is hard to resist. Plus Steelers are banged up.

NFL Week 17 and the Grand Triumphant Finish

Broke even last week. Imagine the agony as I drove south, listening to the dog-ass Ravens allow the Browns back into the game, even as bulletins from New Jersey indicated nothing good for the dog-ass Jets.

So we're entering the final week of the regular season three games down.

East Coast Bias games:

NYG -3 vs. Dal: This is win and in for both teams, with no wild card in the picture. So what has to happen is that some alert and nimble Giant will hurl Tony Romo to the ground with extreme prejudice.

NYJ +2.5 at Mia: I have no faith in this crew at all, but I think they can certainly win this contest and then enjoy sitting around waiting for the Oracle to read the bones and feathers and tell them if they're in the playoffs.

Buf +11 at NE: Pats can get something here, home field all the way through, or whatever, and they will win this game, just not by this much. As usual.

Phi - 8.5 vs. Was: I made it to my folks house in time to observe the last bit of the Redskins-Vikings tilt. My conclusion is the Redskins are pretty bad. Eagles playing for pride.

Bal -2 at Cin: Last week's gagitatious performance against the Browns make me wary of the Ravens, but it is New Year's Eve, after all, and there is an excellent chance that many Bengals will be in jail prior to kickoff.

Games of tremendous significance:

Have you tried to puzzle out those AFC playoff scenarios? "Insert one dime and two nickels or four nickels or one dime and one nickel and five pennies or..."

GB +3.5 vs. Det: "How can this be?" you ask. The line assumes that most of the good Packers will be relaxing on the bench. Not to take anything away from the Lions, but the backup Packers are certainly worth a home underdog bet.

SF -10.5 at StL: The Niners can get a bye with a win, and nobody just beats the Lambs by seven or whatever. It's impossible.

Hou +3 vs. Ten: Here's another line I don't quite get.

Pit - 7.5 at Cle

Oak -3 vs. SD

KC +3.5 at Den: The extra half point makes this pick. A Tebow miracle brings this in under the field goal.

Atl -12 vs. TB

Ind +3.5 at Jax: Hey, why not?

Car +8 at NO: Surely Saints will take it easy

Who cares dept.

Min -1 vs. Chi

Sea +3 at AZ

NFL 2011 week 16

Lord did I get creamed last week at 6-9-1.

Tonight I will stupidly take Houston minus 6 at Indianapolis. After last week I do not believe in anything.

Friday morning...

Well that worked out well. Indy 19-16. That takes me down to 87-90-4.

The slate:

Jets -3 vs. Giants: When this one was scheduled nobody thought it would be the two New York teams fighting for their lives. Whoever loses is probably out of the layoffs. Both clubs have looked bad lately but the Jets have won a few and the Giants haven't.

Mia + 9.5 at NE: Not for a moment do i think the Dolphins win this but Pats are not a great spread team.

Was -6.5 vs. Min: Redskins have shown signs of life. Not a lot of life, but a pulse, anyway. The Vikes have never really recovered form the Sex Boat days.

Bal -12.5 vs. Cle: Very uneasy opting for double digits with the Ravens, but the Browns make it more plausible.

Den -3 at Buf: Broncos kept the elite Pats off-balance for half the game last time. And the Bills are not the Pats.

Oak +2 at KC: Raiders last stand should add some urgency to this.

AZ +4 at Cin: I like the Cards and points, any time.

Pit -16.5 vs. StL: Way too many points for comfort, but a) the Rams are horrible and b) the Steelers are playing for pride after SF loss and playoff pecking order.

SF -2.5 at Sea: After the Steelers game I am a believer.

Ten - 7.5 vs. Jax

Car -7 vs. TB

Det -2.5 vs. SD

Phi + 1.5 at Dal

GB -13 vs. Chi

NO -6.5 vs. Atl

And away we go.

Oak +2 at KC

NFL 2011 week 14

Thursday night: Steelers minus 14 vs. Cleveland.

A feeble 8-7 last week, which got me one game over .500 (81-80-3)

More Sunday...

Back at .500 as stupid Steelers decided to waffle around.

Regional interest:

NYG +3.5 at Dal: Giants almost beat Green Bay and gave Saints a hard time.

KC -10.5 at NYJ: No way am I taking the Jets and giving double digits.

NE -8 at Was: This will be a classic Patriots game. They'll toy with the Redskins until late in the third, and then clobber them in the fourth.

Gambling interest:

Sea - 6.5 vs. StL (Monday night): Normally wouldn't touch with ten-foot or any other sort of pole, but Rams are going with a QB who's either the third stringer or off the practice team or something. Seems like easy pickings.

Ind + 16.5 at Bal: I suspect a similar situation to last week, when the Pats allowed Colts to cover an insane 20.5 spread.

AZ +4 vs. SF: As underdogs the Cardinals are a great betting team. They might even win it outright.

Football interest:

GB -12 vs. Oak: I like the Raiders but they are not the club that's going to upend the Packers.

No -3.5 at Ten: Titans have some playoff hope but hard to see them exploiting Saints suspect secondary, somehow. (Alliterate or die.)

Car +3 vs. Atl: I'll take Cam Newton and a field goal at home against the dog-ass Falcons. Sure I will. You betcha.

Den -3.5 vs. Chi: The key question is this: Does the last-moment Denver drive result in a touchdown or a field goal? Seems like an even money proposition to me.

Who Cares? Dept.

Hou +3 at Cin: I have no faith in Bengals

Det -8 at Min: Long past time for Lions to get back to form

Mia -3 vs. Phi: And the Eagles circle the drain

SD -7 vs. Buf: Make me watch this.

NFL 2011 week 13

I did pick Seattle over Philly last night, plus I think an even 3, but I forgot to post it.

Since nobody reads this it doesn't matter.

Sunday morning...

New York-New England regional:

GB -7 at NYG: The dog-ass Giants might make the playoffs but they are not going to derail the Packers. Not now, not ever.

NYJ-3 at Was: Have to take the dog-ass Jets in this spot, as it is do-or-die for them. In fact, every game is that way now for Fat Rex and the gang.

Ind +20 at NE: No I don't think the Colts will win. I don't think they will be competitive. But I know the Pats have an inconsistent defense which could allow a touchdown or two. And I don't think the league nor the coaches would be happy if New England won by 49 points, which is possible.

Ten +1.5 at Buf: The Bills folded faster than Superman on laundry day.

Around the league, in descending order of interest:

Oak+3 at Mia

Cin +6.5 at Pit: Bengals are 5-0 vs. spread on the road

Den +1.5 at Min: For all the criticism of Tebow, he's got the Broncos on the winning side of things.

Bal -6.5 at Cle

StL +13 at SF: Unlikely Rams win this but price is too high to take favorite

AZ +4.5 vs. Dal: Cowboys tend to win by a nose, and this spread is a nose and a nose hair.

NO -9 vs. Det: Lions are the Bills of the NFC. Pfui.

Atl -3 at Hou: Texans adopt single wing for today's contest.

TB -3 vs. Car

Jax +3 vs. SD (Monday night)

NFL 2011 week twelve

Tuesday morning QB: We have achieved .500. 9-6 for Week 12, 73-73-3 overall.

Thursday morning in haste:

7-6-1 last week, picked up a game in the win column (64-67-3).

Thursday games:

Green Bay -6 at Detroit: I don't mind taking the Packers at this price, it's those double-digit doozies I have trouble with. Last score probably wins this one anyway.

Dallas -7 vs. Miami: Let's not get excited, Dolphins fans. They don't stink as bad as you thought, but they're still pretty aromatic.

SF + 3.5 at Baltimore: Ravens are streaky, Niners have been very consistent.

Sunday morning...

Well that went well.

NYJ -8 vs. Buf: The wind certainly seems to have gone out of the Bills' sails. I'd be happier about this at -6.5, but will give Gang Green one more chance.

NE -4 at Phi: Another dangerous spread, as Pats love to fuss around until the last second and then kick a field goal to win. Which won't help at -4. Oh well. Can't take the Eagles.

NO -7 vs. NYG: I think the Saints will kick it up a notch or two here and start playing with an eye on the NFC title game vs. Green Bay. Giants are very iffy lately.

Elsewhere:

Den + 6.5 at SD: Hey, why not? Chargers are floundering and Broncos' star is on the rise. So what if the kid can't pass? He's getting it done somehow, which is more than San Diego can say.

Oak -4.5 vs. Chi: I like the new-look Raiders more than I like the Cutler-less bears.

KC +10 vs. Pit: Chiefs showed enough life to take them as home underdog with big spread. And don't forget El Creepo's busted thumb.

Who Cares Dept.

StL -3 vs. Az

Cin - 7.5 vs. Cle

Hou -3 at jax

Car -3.5 at Ind

TB +3 at Ten

Atl - 9.5 vs. Min

Sea -4 vs. Was

NFL 2011 week eleven

I just realized there's a Thursday night game.

Went 8-8 last week, so treading water.

Tonight, the dog-ass Jets are in Denver to face the dog-ass Broncos, who are a six-point home underdog-ass.

This is an impossible game to handicap, so I will take the Broncos and the six.

Sunday morning: And I was right about the above-mentioned dog-asses.

Last week a mediocre 8-8 kept me treading water but still four games off the pace at 57-61-2. Good thing I only bet kitchen matches. (Three games out with Denver win, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.)

NY Giants - 4 vs. Philadelphia: When the Giants win they do so by 3 or 4 points. I am gambling they will be just a little bit better, and the Eagles will be just a little bit worse.

Atl -6 vs. Ten

Buf +2 at MIA: Dallas game was a rough one for Bills. I think they bounce back big against hapless Dolphins.

Cin +7 at Bal: Bengals have best record vs. spread in AFC (7-2)

Jax +1 at Cle: Browns have worst record vs. spread in entire league (1-7-1)

Oak -1 at Min: I do not believe. At all.

Det -7 vs. Car: Lions need to turn it back on, starting now.

GB -14 vs. TB: I hate double-digit NFL spreads but Packers are in a different galaxy than most of the rest of the league, including the Bucs.

Dal -7.5 at Was: Cowboys made a pretty good Bills team look stupid. Skins are stupid.

StL -2 vs. Sea

SF -9.5 vs. Az

Chi - 3.5 vs. SD: I've had it with the Chargers (2-7 vs. spread).

Monday night: I hate this, but New England -15 vs. KC. Chiefs have new QB and when they lose they lose big. Pats can solidify hold on division here.