Preserve Our Rural Way of Life, Consarnit!

This item from Terry Cowgill's blog got me thinking about land use, Currier & Ives vs. Satellite and Double-Wide, and an idea I had when first exposed to development discussions in the towns of Sharon and Kent.

My notion was to challenge the folks who throw around the phrase "Our rural way of life" to actually put their money where their mouths are and adopt a group of amendments to the zoning regulations that would, in fact, encourage the rural way of life...

As practiced by actual living rural people, that is.

Some proposed regs:

1. A quarter mill off the homeowner's annual tab for any of the following items left out in the yard, up to ten total units: bed springs, vehicles on blocks, white metal appliances, couches, mysterious pieces of machinery. (Homeowner may petition the authorities to include other items not listed here.)

2. An additional quarter mill if any of the above are used to house chickens.

3. Town-supported historic landmark status for anyone who whittles outside his trailer or sagging porch while wearing a union suit.

4. All property taxes are waived for 10 years for anyone willing to legally change his or her name to "Skeeter." (Limit of one Skeeter per family, please.)

5. All persons living in designated historic districts shall employ authentic backwoods gibberish in public conversations. Example: "Them racketfrabbin' Red Sox sure did blow the whangdoodle past Aunt Betsey's ratchetjammer, dagnabbit!"

I'm sure those New York City transplants will get into the spirit of the thing. It will make for great cocktail party conversation material, if nothing else. "Did you see my photos of my 18th century Tuscan kitchen cabinets?" "No, but my neighbor Hiram changed his name to Skeeter for tax purposes."

The bedsprings are tucked away behind the tasteful fence.

NFL Playoffs - round two

We hit three of four last week, with only the Redskins gagging.

This week the focus is on the differences between the conferences, which is why I like both NFC underdogs and both AFC favorites against their respective spreads.

That would be Seattle plus eight at Green Bay Saturday; New York plus seven and a half at Dallas Sunday; New England minus 13 and a half vs. Jacksonville Saturday; Indianapolis minus nine vs. San Diego Sunday.

Conventional wisdom says Packers QB Brett Favre will get picked for points at least once, kooky gunslinger that he is. I'm thinking the Seahawks moved the ball pretty well last week and will stay inside the line anyway.

Conventional wisdom says the Cowboys' T.O. always comes up with a convenient injury at crunch time; could this be because Mr. O is an obvious neurotic who fronts by being an obnoxious loudmouth? Dallas is vulnerable to the Giant' boring old running game, and Mr. Eli Manning has had two decent games in a row.

Conventional wisdom says that the Colts will be so mad at the Chargers that it won't even be close. I think it's because the Chargers are so inconsistent that this won't be close.

And finally, conventional wisdom says Dr. Evil, who has super-secret powers of clairvoyance, magically knew he would be playing the Jaguars and not the Chargers or Steelers. The fact that the Pats already played the Chargers and Steelers and thus had dossiers on hand, allowing the Doc to focus on Jax, apparently never entered conventional wisdom's pretty little head.

So:

Sea + 8 at GB

NE - 13.5 vs. Jax

Indy -9 vs. SD

NY + 7.5 at Dal

Free Speech pt. 1

Isn't the Internet wonderful? How did we ever get along without this sort of thing?

I Kiss You (blog)

More to follow...

Antipodean Funk

I urge you to check out the blog of my cousin Nancy Sullivan, an anthropologist, author and all-around good egg who plies her trade in Papua-New Guinea, which is a hell of a long way from Scarsdale, N.Y.

As a kid I was always slightly in awe of Nancy, who is seven or eight years older than me. She was a bit of a nut, and dspecialized in ticking off the family elders - a skill I admired.

Anyway, as the blog tells the reader, she's been down there 19 years; her articles and photos are quite astounding.

And I saw her Christmas of 2006, after a gap of at least 10 years, and I am pleased to report she's still a bit of a nut.

Style Report, Jan. 7, 2008: Behold the Ugly Tie

Thrifting is fun not only when a true gem is unearthed and purchased for a pittance. Sometimes an item appears that is so ghastly it must be acquired, if only to be carefully stored and brought out for very special occasions, like human sacrifices.

This beauty was lurking beneath a pile of lesser, moderately distasteful neckties at the Bargain Barn.

Note the serial number, presumably so the artisan can be traced and arrested. Note also the width of the tie's blade as compared to the hand.

I sent it along to a friend, Cyrus H. Snodgrass, headmaster of the Potzrebie Academy for Boys in Torrance, Calif.

He writes:

Dear Sully -

Many heartfelt thanks for the excellent tie. As you can see in the attached photo, the explosions complement the pink and blue polka dots of the pocket square quite nicely. One of the boys promptly had a seizure upon viewing it the first time - a most gratifying reaction.

Yrs.

CHS

Potzrebie Academy - Turning Mere Misdemeanants Into Full-Fledged Felons Since 1937

NFL '07 playoffs - first round

I am sick so I don't have the mental capacity to figure out what the season record was. It was below .500 for the second straight year, I know that much.

Lemme hear ya say "D'oh!"

(Speaking of "D'oh!", I finally saw the Simpsons movie and was struck by the sheer brilliance of one little throwaway bit - Homer holding the pig upside down to get its footprints on the ceiling, while singing "Spider Pig, Spider Pig/ Does whatever a Spider Pig does...")

Okay.

If you were really going to put money on the pro football playoff games the best way to do it would be the money line, since all but one of these spreads are so miniscule that the picks almost amount to straight up bets anyway.

But I'm sitting here with a head full of yick thinking about Spider Pigs and the notion of explaining the money line for the 11 people who read this stupid blog just doesn't hold much appeal.

So...

Saturday:

Redskins plus 3.5 at Seahawks: Washington hits playoffs with the hot hand.

LATE CORRECTION - Saturday, 4:10 p.m. -- Line shifted to Jaguars minus 2.5 at Steelers: I think the loss of Willie Parker makes Pittsburgh's offense one-dimensional, plus Jax has hot hand (see above). But Pittsburgh plus points in their own building? I'll take it.

Sunday:

Giants plus 3 at Buccaneers: This depends entirely on New York pounding the ball and keeping Tampa's Jeff Garcia off the field. It would also be nice if young Master Manning could avoid lobbing the ball to the opposition.

Chargers minus 9.5 vs. Titans: San Diego coach Norv Turner has a remarkable gift for the FUBAR, but it's hard to imagine Tomlinson not accounting for at least seven of the nine and change.

The Ghastly Ones Aren't Kidding

Andy Milligan's 1968 costume-gore schlockathonfest The Ghastly Ones is so bad it's...bad.

Just plain bad.

The sets are dimly lit. The sound is muddy. The gore is unconvincing. The dialogue is stilted. The actors are wooden.

And the gazongas are completely uninspired - not what you want for an exploitation movie whose premise is that the three couples must spend the night in "sexual harmony" in the old house on the lonely island before they get the money.

Something Weird usually unearths some good CACA but this ain't it. It took a hardened viewer four separate attempts to get through this turkey.

No coils. Avoid.