Equinox: Student Cheese Goes Big Time

Acting on a tip from the Lakeville Journal's Ryan Snider, I obtained the super low-budget Equinox from NetFlix and right away realized where Sam Raimi got a lot of his ideas for The Evil Dead. I mean, look at it: well-meaning professor gets hold of ancient book of the occult and foolishly reads the spells aloud as he translates from the Sumerian. All Hell breaks loose. Well-meaning students blunder into situation, discover all H. breaking loose, and die in unusual ways.

The special effects for Equinox are spectacular, given they had a budget of about $8000 (in 1967). For the giant-menacing-the-smarty-pants scene, the actor playing in the ogre stood on a picnic table; the actor playing the wisenheimer was several yards away, aligned for the camera angle. To get the "ground" right, the right color dirt was placed on a piece of plywood, which was then propped up next to the picnic table.

The Criterion Collection DVD two-fer has the original version and the later theatrical (read: drive-in) release, with extra footage shot a couple of years later and some additional plot to get in the way of the story. The later scenes are noticeable: the longer sideburns on the men are a bit of a giveaway, and the young blonde lady doesn't fit her Capri pants quite as well.

Fans of WKRP in Cincinnati might recognize Frank Bonner (who played Herb in the TV series). He's the one with the sideburns.

Summary: Four stupid white people; one berserk scientist; one evil book; one weird park ranger/demon; assorted monsters, including giant house-eating octopus (tentacles only), ogre, flying red devil, minor league King Kong; one disappearing castle; one Zone of Doom; gratuitous shots of girl's bottom in Capri pants; reporter in porkpie hat; fat shrink in lab coat. Groovy LA teen stuff. Incredibly slow speed limits. Lots of scrambling up hills. Grimace sex.


Three coils.

Grimace sex

Demonic monster or Tennessee Titan? You decide.

Coming this week...

Exciting reviews of Equinox, Circle of Iron and Last House on the Left; notes on the onset of Trout Madness; the Search for the Perfect Penny Loafer.

Teaser:

Getting a Grip on the Dems

I find this tiresome Democratic primary difficult to handicap. There are too many variables to consider, and more appear every time these candidates open their mouths.

For professional pols, Sens. Clinton and Obama sure are clumsy. When not making ill-considered remarks about infants or inventing tales of derring-do, they are committing public, televised acts of bad bowling and, in the case of Mrs. Clinton, baring her teeth in a rictus-like grimace masquerading as a smile.

And they keep doing The Shuffle - clarifying, selectively denying, and otherwise dancing around whatever damn fool thing escaped from their wide open yaps that particular day.

They make Sen. John McCain, no mean Shuffler himself, look like a combination of the genes of Lincoln, Reagan and Aunt Bee from the "Andy Griffith Show" - visionary, principled, and possessed of good common sense and a sturdy rolling pin.

We are, however, professionals, and at some point money must change hands. So:

• Obama wins popular vote, regular delegates, nominated on first ballot: 2-1
• Obama wins as above but gets the shaft as super-delegates bolt to Clinton: 3-1
• Same scenario as number two, but entire thing gets hopelessly bogged down in big fight about the rules, which nobody understands: 7-2
• Big fight about rules drags on for four days, at which point Al Gore, dressed as an earth-toned Peter Pan, is lowered on to the stage from a crane to save the day. Howard Dean plays Tinker Bell: 9-2.
  

Bye Bye, Barack

To be honest, I wasn't going to vote for Barack Obama in the general election anyway. I was willing to listen to him, however, because I thought that he actually had some legitimate juice, and I admired his idealism, however fuzzy.

But after this mess with his nut preacher pal, Obama stands revealed as a completely conventional politician.

The senator could have just faced up to it and said, "Yeah, I've been hearing this stuff for years, and maybe the fact it comes as such a shock says more about the country's complacency than about those in attendance."

Or he could have said: “I, like so many of my fellow Americans, must strive not to fall asleep during the sermon. So when Rev. Wright was making his most outrageous remarks, I must have dozed off. You know how hot it gets in that place?”

But no. First he denied knowing about the sermons or being there, and then he did the Double-Clutch: He retracted the denial and then disavowed the retraction.

Then he blamed everybody else, from the media to his granny.

Which tells me that the big "change" shtick is pure hooey - this is business as usual.

And if I'm going to offered a choice between business as usual candidates I'll take the one who might just possibly keep the government's mitts off my money.

Now Let Us Praise Pam Grier

In Coffy (1973) the great Pam Grier makes her debut as a star, shooting up large numbers of creeps in the process.

And shooting up is what it's all about. Coffy is a nurse whose little sister is strung out on heroin. Enraged, she acquires some armaments and proceeds to take out those responsible.

And she does all this while mostly naked.

Her victims, blinded by gazongas, are mostly unaware of the terrible fate that awaits until it's too late. (Nate.)

Think about it. You're a drug kingpin, your jacket has enormous lapels and you wear it in public without the slightest bit of self-consciousness, you're thinking everything is cool and you're about to horse around with this nice-looking lady and - BOOM!

It would be a particularly nasty way to go.

The plot isn't as idiotic as it sounds. Coffy's investigations eventually lead her back to her low-life politician boyfriend, who is in the sleaze up to his neck. She lets him have it in an extra-sensitive area, but hey, he told the bad guys to kill her not two hours earlier. Plus he had another girl upstairs. Fair's fair.

An even dozen hooters. Cat fight between hookers, with food. Incredibly Jewish actor pretending to be an Italian mobster, with mixed results. Heavy-handed political satire, with mixed results. Intensely cheesy soundtrack, with lots of wah-wah guitar.

As good as it gets in the blaxploitation genre. Four coils.

Video clip of hooker catfight.

So Sue Me

By RUKMINI CALLIMACHI, Associated Press Writer Fri Mar 14, 6:26 PM ET

The Muslim world has created a battle plan to defend its religion from political cartoonists and bigots.

Concerned about what they see as a rise in the defamation of Islam, leaders of the world's Muslim nations are considering taking legal action against those that slight their religion or its sacred symbols. It was a key issue during a two-day summit that ended Friday in this western Africa capital.

The Muslim leaders are attempting to demand redress from nations like Denmark, which allowed the publication of cartoons portraying the Prophet Muhammad in 2006 and again last month, to the fury of the Muslim world.

Though the legal measures being considered have not been spelled out, the idea pits many Muslims against principles of freedom of speech enshrined in the constitutions of numerous Western governments.

"I don't think freedom of expression should mean freedom from blasphemy," said Senegal's President Abdoulaye Wade, the chairman of the 57-member Organization of the Islamic Conference. "There can be no freedom without limits."

Delegates were given a voluminous report by the OIC that recorded anti-Islamic speech and actions from around the world. The report concludes that Islam is under attack and that a defense must be mounted.

"Muslims are being targeted by a campaign of defamation, denigration, stereotyping, intolerance and discrimination," charged Ekmeleddin Ihsanoglu, the secretary general of the group.

I'm thinking that the best possible way to create a stir for myself and noodge my way into the profitable world of bloviation is to start insulting Islam in the hope of being sued by Senegal. Being a professional loudmouth is a long-time ambition of mine. God knows I've been an amateur loudmouth long enough - high time to start raking in some coin.

So here goes:

Hey, Islam! Why can't you miserable bastards get along with anybody? Why don't you have a Reformation? Do you all shave with a fork? Huh?

Please direct lawsuits to me at plsullivan62@gmail.com.

Old School Scandal

Monday's revelations about the exciting extracurricular life of New York Governor Eliot Spitzer cheered me up immensely. With all the talk of "change" this election season, it's good to know we can count on at least some of our highest elected officials to act like complete creeps.

Frankly, I don't trust a pol unless he's bent in some way. I want a governor (or senator or congressman), not a saint.

Barack Obama is a Depression-era socialist with a web site, but I'd be a lot happier about it if it turns out he really did get a sweetheart deal on his house from that developer guy, Resko.

And if we could get a few stories about Obama's dealings coming up in the rough and tumble world of the Daley machine in Chicago, it would inspire far more confidence than babbling about change, interrupted only by calls for the medics to haul out another swooning ninny. Anybody who can survive Chicago city politics shouldn't have too much trouble telling the Iranians to calm the hell down or else.

Mrs. Evil (aka Senator Clinton) - well, where do you start? Shady land deals, shady stock deals, the bimbo eruption squad, blah blah blah. She sure knows how to squirm out of trouble, though, and I have to admire that.

But ol' Spitzer kinda blew everybody out of the water with the hookers and whatnot. Now that's Old School corruption - pure lust, with a generous side helping of hypocrisy. No ideology involved.

How refreshing.

POSTSCRIPT:

New Yorkers can take some small solace in the fact that El Spitzo did things in a high-dollar manner. He didn't pay his temporary consort in crack, like Phil Giordano of Waterbury, or put the lady on the state payroll, like Jim McGreevey of New Jersey.

Or take advantage of a dumb intern, like William J. Clinton

If you're going to be a creep, do it right.

And the over/under on how fast this escapade appears, in suitably altered fashion, on one of the Law & Order shows? Six weeks.